Friday, December 18, 2009

Separation: Day 178

It's Friday again. Damn didn't I just post this about two days ago?? Got to see JD tonight!! Woo Hoo!! First time I have seen her since the first of the month. We talk and text everyday but there is only so much you can talk and text about. We had good conversation over Mexican food and a couple of drinks. Hers was the alcohol kind and mine was sweet tea. I have just a few more days to enjoy the sweet tea because next week I start a medically supervised weight loss program. One of the things that the Ex was adamant about was that I had to lose weight. Both the marriage councilor and the personal councilor told me that a lot of my issues were due to my weight. I'm not going to go into numbers here lets just say that it will be a significant loss. It was always my plan to find a Dr. that would take interest in me and take me under their wing and help. So now I have found that Dr. and I am hoping for some good results. He told me that if I ate the meal plan and took the meds that I should lose 30-60 lbs. a month. He told me that I could do that for about six months and then look at where we are at. I know you all are sitting there with your jaws dropped thinking WTF that's a lot of weight. Like I said I'm not going into numbers. When I no longer look like the Jabba The Gut I will post some before and after pictures. I didn't want to mention anything about my weight in this blog but since this will be a big part of my life then I thought I should mention it. You know when I started talking about all the hoochie momma's I'm dating your going to know something is up! ;) So if your a praying person pray that I will maintain the program and succeed. If your not a praying person an atta boy every now and again wouldn't hurt. So without further ado here is what I'm thankful for:

  1. Little Christmas bonus
  2. Good Dr.'s visit
  3. Spending time with JD (wasn't enough though)
  4. Getting some on-line shopping done
  5. Company Dinners (not that I'm a company man)
  6. Blogging Buddies
  7. My boys
  8. Iron Man 2 trailer
  9. Got my "How to be a divorced father class" over with
  10. I was able to help my Grandma W. out with a sliced country ham.

Hope everyone has a kick ass, Capri Sun laced with vodka, eharmony, out of tune, nerd cop dating, shredding, and smoked meat weekend!!!!!

Monday, December 14, 2009

Separation: Day 174

Last weekend I went to church. For most of you this is an every weekend deal. It used to be for me. My dad was a deacon of the church. My mom and dad didn't believe in divorce. I don't either but it only takes one for a divorce. I always prided myself for being a good man. A good man in the sense that I was a good provider, never cheated on my wife, never lost my temper, never berated or cussed my wife, good father to my boys. I always thought in that way I was a lot like my father. It wasn't till after church last weekend after all the church ladies came and gave me hugs and told me that they loved me and appreciated me coming that one lady stood out. She gave me a hug and said you remind me of your daddy. I was dumbfounded. I didn't know what to say. Later when I went to see my grandmother in the nursing home and told her what the lady said she told me you remind me a lot of your daddy. So all this time I was hoping I wasn't letting the memory of my father down that I was doing a pretty good job of maintaining it. "A Life Apart" is not only about divorce it's also about being a young man without both parents to lean on and plunder their knowledge of life lessons. There is no doubt in my mind that had both my parents been living that I wouldn't be going through a divorce. I loved and miss my parents and hope that someday I can feel like I have done them proud.

Friday, December 11, 2009

Separation: Day 171

It's Friday!!! Friday! F.R.I.D.A.Y!! Which don't mean a damn thing to me since I have to work Saturday!! Honestly and truly most my days are like Mondays anyway. That is what I tell everyone that comes in and says "well at least it's Friday". Really? All I know is Mondays now sign your paperwork and have a coke and a smile. :) Nah, not really. But I sure am thinking it. Welp I guess JD is leaving tonight for the Magic Kingdom. Haven't seen her since last Tuesday and I am starting to miss her a wee bit. I've had to work a little OT this week and last week and was informed the other day that we would be open for the rest of the month except for holidays. Which is good because I have five days of vacation left!!! Woo Hoo!! Vacation sucks now because I used to save my days off to be with my wife. Well unbeknownst to me while I was planning my vacations for her she was planning her exit strategy. Phase one: Break his heart and shatter it into a thousand pieces, then grind it in a coffee grinder, make some heartache coffee and use it for an enema. Phase two: blame him for everything and deny, deny, deny. Phase three: get a divorce and take him for half what he makes a month. Give her a big Borat SUCCESS!! I'm not bitter, really I'm not. ;p Without further pause here is a thankful list:

  1. Not getting laid off for Christmas.
  2. Going to watch old Christmas movies with JD.
  3. G Force (got to watch that with my boys while the ex was out)
  4. Steak fingers with mashed potatoes and gravy!! Awesome meal!!
  5. Sweet Tea (for you Yankees that is tea with sugar in it) :)
  6. West Wing DVD complete series my brother sent me from Iraq!!
  7. Got to see Micah this week, he was testy but cute.
  8. Went to church and didn't burst into flames.
  9. My kick ass cell phone
  10. OT

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

Separation: Day 168

Welp it won't be long now. This time of year is turning out harder than I thought it would be. My wife was putting out all the decorations the other day when I went to take a shower. Every year we were together she bought us an ornament for the tree. I remember them all and looked forward to seeing what she got us each year. Sadly they didn't make the tree this year. When the boys came along she got them each one for every year. We had a pretty big tree and she loved to do all the decorations. She was a Jehovah Witness when she was little and she didn't get to celebrate Christmas for a long time. The first year we were married we had a tree in the dining room and I bought her a bicycle. Those were the days. I loved to buy her lots of things. Things she needed and things she didn't know she needed. :) Just like when I was growing up our stockings were the best thing to get. We always put a prize in them and filled them with our favorite candy. Everything she learned about holiday traditions she learned from my family. We had a tradition in my family that the first person to yell "Christmas Eve Gift" got to open a present on Christmas eve. The running joke Dad always said if you open one you won't have one to open on Christmas morning. I made homemade hot chocolate and she would make monkey bread. After the kids were born we wouldn't get in bed till late in the morning. One year we bought my youngest a train table and we had to set up the table and the train. Santa was one tired mo-frigger the next morning. Then I would write each of the boys a letter and tell them how good a boy they had been and to help their mother more and clean their rooms!!! None of that will happen this year. I don't have the Christmas spirit. My wife robbed me of that when she fell for another man and then blamed me for the failure of our marriage. My oldest told me the other day that he bet that my wife could make me happy for Christmas and I told him I thought it was passed that for us. I hate having those feelings and I really would try again but it would be a long hard road. ANYWAY I am thankful for the boys and glad that they bring me much joy and consternation.

Friday, December 4, 2009

Separation: Day 164

Today I was supposed to go to a court mandated class to learn how to be a parent. I have only been one for ten years now so you would think that I'd have the hang of it by now. That is just my case though I am sure everybody knows somebody that needs this class. First off it is a class that everyone in the state of Georgia has to take when getting a divorce (if they have kids). So it's not like they are questioning my parenting skills they just want my fifty bucks. Just another expense I can chalk up to the soon to be ex. Anyway....I left the house with plenty time to spare to get to the meeting. I had printed directions, GPS, directions from a cop, and a lifeline (my friend was a phone call away). Guess what? I never found the mo-flippin place and I was like majorly pissed. I was looking at myself in the rear view cussing myself for everything I was worth. I actually felt kinda bad when I got done with all that cussing. Because there was several good words I left out!!!! So I missed this date. A hour over there and a hour back. Half tank of gas blowed all to hell and back!! There are so many things I am putting off that when I stop to think about it I get sick.

  1. Selling my company stock so I can pay for divorce and refi the house.
  2. Refi the house so I can tell the ex to sign here, here, here, and here. Now get the fuck out!!
  3. Get the oil changed in my truck, so I don't have to walk everywhere I go.
  4. Do some Christmas shopping. With my looks apparently.
  5. Get my boys for more than a couple of hours.
  6. Go see my Grandma P. in the nursing home. I mean I am her favorite.
  7. Do something with my friend before I lose her to the magic of Disney World.
  8. Take movies back.
  9. Wash clothes.
  10. Cook a meal instead of eating out!!!
To top it all off a little TMI is that I haven't had...well you 193 days!! WTH!!! I guess I should go ahead and take my vows and put on the robe. White collar here I come.

Monday, November 30, 2009

Separation: Day 163

Wth!!! I had to get up and come to work! Four days off in a row will make me lazy and broke! This was the first Thanksgiving in about 14 years that I didn't spend with my wife and family. I got up and went to see New Moon with my sissy and her friend. I told my buddy that I went to see the movie and he said I didn't realize you were a 14 year old girl!!! After the movie and a pit stop I went to eat at said friends house and play some poker. Texas hold'em that is. Was doing pretty good and then the wheels came off and I enjoyed being the dealer the rest of the game. My friend waited to the last minute to text to see if I was doing something and I wasn't going to bail on my other friend at the last minute so we promised each other rain checks. Friday I watched Lonesome Dove all the way through and went to get my check deposited and drop off the ransom at my old place. My friend and I went to a Mexican restaurant up north and then came back by the scenic overpass and star gazed for a while. Again we had an awesome meal and conversation under the stars. We always find out something new about each other and apparently nothing is off limits. Damn it! I got the boys Saturday and took them to see Planet 51. It was a good cartoon and you know I had to take my youngest by Burger King so he could get the latest toy from said movie. We met my friends with the boys there and everyone had a good time and we promised to do it again real soon. The boys were well behaved the whole time and I dropped them off back at the house and gave the soon to be ex a courtesy wave back. My friend and I decided that we liked the stars so much Friday night that we would try it Saturday too. Only one problem, there were no blasted stars the sky was overcast. Luckily we went to another scenic outlook and could see lights all the way to Atlanta. We went by Dairy Queen first and got some supper and my friend had some Chardonnay left from the night before and we ate, drank and talked. Well she cried in her Chardonnay and I cried in my diet Pepsi. We parted with big hugs and a promise to text and talk later. Woo Hoo!! Sunday my buddy called me real early and wanted to go watch a movie. So I went for the third time and seen Where the Wild Things Are. After the movie we went to 5 Guys Burgers and man oh man it was good, damn good, slap your granny good. It was so good it would make your tongue slap your brains out! Damn It Boy good!!!! I stopped by Pets Smart and got my friend's dog a present it was his birthday. (Really the first time I have ever done something like that) Anyway that brings the holiday weekend to a close. Leasure time ended at 11:30 pm Sunday for me. Hope everyone had a super holiday and enjoyed their family time.

Monday, November 23, 2009

Separation: Day 153

January 11th will be the day I thought would never come. It is the day I never saw coming. It is the day I always thought couldn't happen to a hard working, dedicated, doting husband. When I got married I fully intended on being married till death did us part. The pain is still fresh, too new to describe. I am learning to cope with the help of a friend, but she is like a fire blanket, once she is not around to smother the pain it's embers reignite. My wife told me the other day after I signed the last of the divorce papers that it would be final in January. She has no remorse her voice didn't crack and I thought I even detected some relief. After all is said and done I will have been separated from her for 202 days. Pretty much goes to show you that you can never know someone completely. She used to tell me that there was no one she loved more than me and would never leave me unless I cheated on her. She never lied to me and was always open and honest about what she was feeling. Somewhere along the way she changed and I didn't notice. I guess in a way I put too much faith in her, my happiness in life was too dependent upon her. So here goes my Thankful list:

  1. My new kick ass cell phone.
  2. Not getting laid off this week.
  3. Coupon for a free ham! Woo Hoo!!
  4. Get to keep my boys some this week.
  5. Bojangles Breakfast.
  6. Good friends in HR.
  7. Meeting some friends for supper Tuesday.
  8. The Goods: Live Hard, Sell Hard (awesome movie)
  9. Lifehouse, Theory of A Deadman
  10. My boys

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Separation: Day 148

I got a new phone. Woo Hoo! After months of salivating over this phone on Amazon I walked into my local At&t store and bought it. Bam! Just like that! I even sprung for a 4gig memory card so I don't every have to erase my text messages again!! MMMuuuuaaaahhhhh!! So JD can text to her hearts content and I am set. Plus I went ahead and told them to give me unlimited internet so I could check my blog and email on the go. The phone is SWEEEEEEEEEET!!!

Monday, November 16, 2009

Separation: Day 146

Woo Hoo!! The weekend has come and gone and I feel like it is Wednesday! The wife finally gave me back the divorce papers for another pass. I am going to return them to her for another pass. We are still hung on child support and how much I have got to pay. I don't care to do my part but I don't feel like it's my responsibility to keep her up too. Anyway if it is too much for her then she can always come back home. JD and I met after she got off work Friday and had some supper. That is becoming our thing lately. We have met the last three or four Fridays and had supper. This time she wanted to try a place with "atmosphere" and somewhere she could get a drink. Well I found a place and it was empty so I had to be the atmosphere and she got a dirty martini and a sex on the beach. I had never had a martini (dirty or otherwise) and she gave me a taste. Pretty good. If you like olives, which I do. Again we set and closed the place down and had an awesome conversation. I told her stories from my past that she hadn't heard from mutual friends already and she listened like I was the radio from the thirties. We parted with a big hug and a promise to text later. Saturday I had the boys all day because the soon to be ex had a wedding to do. She dropped the boys off at my sisters house and I slept till about 3pm, because I didn't get in bed till 10am. The boys spent the night after getting movies and Wendy's (me and the oldest) and McDonalds (the youngest). We got home and watched "I Love You Beth Cooper" and my youngest watched Scooby Doo on the laptop. This is a partial catch up so here is my Thankful List:

  1. Jay Z: BP3
  2. Saturday with my boys
  3. Friday with JD
  4. Second round of divorce papers
  5. Got to see Micah (new nephew)
  6. Smores Pop Tarts
  7. OT
  8. Wii
  9. Quick Wit
  10. Patience

Saturday, November 7, 2009

Separation: Day 136

The weekend!!! Wait a tick, I have to pull twelve hours shifts all weekend! :)/:( Happy and sad about that I need the money so I can pay ransom and I won't get to see my BFF. This week has gone by in a flash. It seems like yesterday I was starting out the week. All I have done pretty much all week is sleep and rest. I did cook some beef tips and rice the other day with some super groovy gravy. My sister seemed to like it. Well I said seemed to because all I could hear was nomnomnomnom!!! I went out with my friend last night. I just suggested pizza and then we started the whole conversation about what, where, who, and when. I mentioned it and at first she was against it and then decided she wanted Pizza Hut. So we went to Pizza Hut and had one of the best pizzas I have had in a long time. Again we set and talked to the place nearly closed. We never seem to run out of things to talk about. I tell her things that I haven't thought about in years. We really learn something new about each other every time we are together. After leaving I went straight home to get my nap on before having to go to work. It is a nasty habit I've started but every night I have to get a nap before going into work. My sister had even saved me a piece of caramel cake and I ate it on the way to work because of the nap. Last night was a pretty good night. I got to see my boys, my wife hasn't returned the divorce papers yet, and I got to see my friend. So here is a list about things I am thankful for:

  1. Pizza/Chinese (it brings friends together)
  2. My boys football season is over (more time for us)
  3. No therapy for three weeks, and I am still sane.
  4. Maxim Magazine (the closest thing I'll get to holding a woman)
  5. My osculating heater
  6. Pop Candy, Eat Me Daily, Huffington Post (keeps me informed)
  7. Phone call from my brother in Kuwait
  8. My boy had only one C on his report card the rest B's (still room for improvement)
  9. Jericho
  10. Naps

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

Separation: Day 133

Since my last post:

Friday: My BFF came over after work for some take-out Mexican and some good dinner conversation. After dinner we set around the heater while she hoovered two fruit roll-ups like it was her job. Afterwards her whole mouth and tongue were blue! Ewwww! I think she is doing a lot better and she has started eating a lot more. She keeps telling me that she is getting fat and she is a size zero. Seriously! WTH! Is that even a size? I later txt her good night and went to work!! Yea OT!!!

Saturday: I went and got some breakfast and sit in the driveway at the house and txt my BFF good morning. I always txt her good morning and good night. I set in the driveway because that is the only place I have "more bars". :) Then well that is all I remember till about midnight when my sister came home. I got up fixed me up two wish sandwiches (wish I had something to go between two pieces of bread) and went back to bed!! About 12 hours sleep all day!! Woo Hoo! Go Shane! Get your sleep on!! My boy lost his game. :( But he made it to the "big show" though!!

Sunday: I got up early after all that sleep from the day before. I went over to the house and took a long hot shower and watched the boys while the soon to be ex went grocery shopping. While she was out I decided to take the turdies to see Astro Boy. I know your thinking a grown man taking his boys to see a cartoon? All I have to say is hellz yeah!! It was awesome! To make it even better we went by McDonalds on the way home and got....wait for it.....wait for it.....Astro Boy toys!!!!!!!!!!!!! My youngest got Astro Boy (thank GOD) and my oldest got Zog. After I dropped the boys I txt my BFF and:

Me: Chinese?
BFF: No, try again. Face broke out don't want any MSG.

Me: Olive Garden.
BFF: Um, no. Try again.

Me: Your turn, I am 0-2.
BFF: Chinese?

Me: WTH!! You said no!
BFF: But I really want some sizzling rice soup now! You should be happy it was your first choice!

Me: Where do we go?
BFF: Don't know. Want to watch a movie too so I guess we'll head south.

At this point I picked up the phone and called her because I was tired of texting. She was like What?! What do you want?! I'm cleaning my room. We'll talk in a bit give me an hour. I admit I was a little off put by this and I was like WTF!!! Then I seen a text she had sent before I called:

BFF: I guess we can decide all this later technically! ;-p
Me: I guess that is a polite way of telling me to leave you alone your busy?

BFF: ;-p hell u know me by now. I'd have just said that if I meant it!

BFF: Love U!! Just case u forgot!

After that all was well with the world again. We decided to eat Chinese and as we were walking in she said I hope they have Chinese decorations. We walked in and it was as plain jane as you could get. She asked if I wanted to go somewhere else. I was like no let's give it a chance. Well the food more than made up for the lack of decorations. She got her sizzling rice soup (the bowl was as big as Jethro's cereal bowl). The meal was super delicious and by the time we got through talking and eating we missed the movie.

Monday: Work, sleep, eat and txt BFF!

Tuesday: Work. Got up early because BFF called and talked to me and then I got ready and picked up my boys from after school. My youngest had a soccer game and then I took my oldest to get them some supper. Took a nap and woke up to a barrage of messages from my son and BFF. Off to work and that is where I am at now.

I know this was a riveting account and you were glued to your seat!! It's just good to be happy for a day or two and not have always being a moaning myrtle!!

Friday, October 30, 2009

Separation: Day 129

Last night I took my oldest to football practice on a baseball field so they could practice up into the night because the field had lights. WTH!! He is ten years old. He is not in highschool. Come on people he has to get some sleep and do homework. My youngest and my soon to be ex-wife showed up after his soccer match and watched the rest of his practice. My youngest and his little girlfriend climbed in the truck with me and jammed out. The little girl asked me what I was going to be for Halloween and I told her a worker I reckon. She seen the hard hat and had to try it on with the safety glasses. Then she wanted me to wear it and see if my eyes would cross with the glasses on. They would. Then she wanted to see if hers would cross when she had the glasses on. They did. She was going as Miley Cyrus and my youngest is going as Ben 10. But guess what? The playoff game is on Saturday so neither one of my boys is going to go trick or treating. That has got to suck for them. I have to work tonight and then the rest of the weekend is mine. Woo Hoo. My new BFF is supposed to be cooking something up for us to do so who knows what I will end up into. Here goes my Thankful list:

  1. Unlimited texting! (Without this I would be frigged)
  2. My boys love their Sweet Daddy!!
  3. Jericho (late to the game on this one but a good show, anything with Major Dad in it is good)
  4. Biscuits (sausage, gravy, ham-n-cheese, bacon-n-cheese)
  5. Honey Nut Cheerios
  6. My new BFF, she is there to help cheer me up whenever I am down which is a lot!
  7. A lawyer friend who gave me FREE advice.
  8. My Sissy Poo (she puts up with her brother and takes up for him and cares for him)
  9. My oldest made it to the playoffs!!!!
  10. My BBs.

Thursday, October 29, 2009

Separation: Day 128

I went to see a lawyer yesterday to get him to go over the papers and explain them to me and make sure there wasn't anything I was overlooking. Turns out she was pretty close on the child support so I guess I will be broke pretty much the next fourteen years. I told him about a few things I wanted to add and he said all I had to do was tell her I wanted it added before signing the papers. So I guess I am on the way to divorce. I picked up my boys at after school yesterday and was going to take them out to eat but my youngest pitched a fit. He didn't want anything to eat so I took them home and waited on my wife to show up and left my youngest with her while the oldest and I went out to eat at Big John's Dawg House. MMMMMMM.......Hot wings! MMMMMM....Chili cheese fries. It was an awesome meal and we had some good talks about everything. I went out to eat with my friend (really becoming BFF, sounds too feminine to say) and I gave her a book to read Facing Your Giants, gave her a quart jar of sorghum syrup, and the bootleg copy of the Hangover. Damn she thought it was Christmas! The book was a gift from my wife and was meant to be an inspiration for me to change. Guess I missed that boat. :) ANYWAY, all is well and work is holding out and I get to work a little overtime this week. Woo Hoo!! My oldest won his football game last weekend and now they are going to the playoffs! Go Green Dragons!!

Sunday, October 25, 2009

Separation: Day 124

No one knows at what point their life will change. Six months ago I was a happily married man with two loving children and thought I had the best life, better than I deserved. I can remember writing when I was in grade school that I planned to get married and live happily ever after. I was sure that I had found my partner, my soul mate, the woman who had imprisoned my heart. We had always told each other that we would never leave each other unless either of us cheated on the other. I knew that I never would so I thought this marriage will last forever. That all changed one day when I found an email exchange between her and another guy. It seemed innocent enough and she quickly dismissed it and went on the offensive and told me that all our problems were my problems. I didn't believe her. I couldn't believe her. Not me, not me, the "perfect husband". After many therapy sessions in which her and the therapist ganged up on me they eventually convinced me that it was all my fault and that I still wasn't "getting it". I enlisted the help of my own personal therapist and we began to talk. I told him about feelings I had had for a long time, things I hadn't told my wife.

So the person I loved and dedicated my heart and life to knew that I was already on the edge and she left anyway. She knew that this might push me over the edge and she left me anyway and blamed me for it. How could someone do that? How could someone who loved you push you to the edge and then drop kick you over. Even today it's the same way. I was out of work this week for two days because I had an accident and ran over my neighbors satellite dish and knocked his propane tank rolling. She never questioned me. She never asked how are you, are you ok? How does someone love someone for twelve years and then all of a sudden care less whether they live or die. I had a real bad cold for a week, hacking, coughing, wheezing, feverish. Not one question, not one concern. She came in the other night while I was dressing and she looked tired. I immediately asked if she was ok, if there was anything that I could do. When I left the house the other night I sent her a text and asked her if she wanted some company. I told her that I would be happy sitting on the bench at the foot of the bed just watching her sleep, and that I missed her so much. Her response: No. So polite. A week ago she sent me a long text telling me that if I didn't return the divorce papers signed that she was going to have me served. WTH??? Is it really true that good guys never win?

Saturday, October 17, 2009

Separation: Day 116

Everyday is an adventure. Everyday I go to work on time and leave on time. I have therapy once a week and I feel my gas tank up once a week. Thus is my life. Before I would have never went to therapy and only filled my tank up every other week. This is the time of year that every-one's rear puckers up and waits for the big kiss off. Every year at this time the company decides that they want to put everyone on 32 hours a week maximum and they cry if they have to pay out any OT. Then you go to a meeting and they give you the slobbering blues about how they are hurting too. Yeah they're hurting, hurting from all that sitting on their ass figuring out how to cut out more time. This year I have the pleasure of going through a DIVORCE along with all this other worry!! Score!! Bonus!!! My wife who's job is secure and also has added income (a la me) has no worries. The only worry she has is if she can get enough long baths, and naps in in a week. While I on the other hand worry night and day about where my next dollar is coming from and where I am going to lay my head down in about two months. But I digress. Now is time for my thankful list:

  1. My boys.
  2. The Hangover (great movie got it on bootleg shhhh!!)
  3. Mac and Cheese (oh hell yeah)
  4. (ordered my youngest b-day gift)
  5. My blogging buddies.
  6. "The Shack" by William P. Young
  7. Diet Dr. Pepper
  8. My good night/good morning, daily affirmation buddy. She's the best!
  9. Cold water from the water cooler.
  10. Human Resources

This is a pretty good picture into my life this week! Hope everyone has a kick ass weekend!!

Thursday, October 15, 2009

Separation: Day 114

I had to work 16 mo-flipping hours yesterday! Well actually in all honesty I didn't have to I just did. I feel bad if I turn down any overtime. Especially lately because of the boys. My wife has curtailed her activities back a lot and eating out since the separation and everytime the boys are with me they want to eat out and get prizes. So anytime there is overtime to be had I say yes sir!!! Yesterday was one hell of a day. I started off the morning by falling in the breakroom, face first no less, and then working 16 hours. Ironically I had to stay for 8 hours of safety training. There is nothing better than having a near miss accident and then going to a meeting where we talk about how to avoid having them. For 8 hours!! But it was OT so I am not going to complain. I got home late in the afternoon and just passed out. When I woke up my leg was stove up like a mother huncher. I didn't even get to talk to my buddy yesterday. She sent me a couple of text and I didn't answer her till late. I try to send her an email everyday with some daily affirmations to help keep her positive. I was talking to her the other night and I was laying on the positivity and in the back of my mind I was like when are going to start believing in what you are preaching? I picked the boys up the other day from after school so they could be fed and ready to go when my wife got home. My oldest had an away football game. I picked them up and took them to the house and fixed fish sticks and "fry-fries" for my youngest and cheese eggs for my oldest. He loves my cheese eggs and he doesn't get when ol' dad isn't around. I thought while I was fixing his eggs I would make my wife a fried egg and cheese sandwich on toast a favorite of hers. So they left me to get ready and I checked to see if my wife eat her sandwich. Any guesses? That would be a negative. Why oh why do I try? This time it didn't bother me. I wanted to be the bigger person and just fix it. If she eat it she eat it, if she didn't she didn't. NO BIGGIE!! My sister went shopping yesterday and when I woke up I had a prize sitting on my night stand. A huge container of Reese's Peanut Butter Whoppers!!!! If you have never had then they are flipping awesome!!!! Ya!!!!!!! Sissy!!!!!!!!! Today is payday! Payday!! Payday!! Woo Hoo!! The one day of the week I look forward to. My boy won his football game 19-0, and my youngest wore the mascot uniform!! They wanted to ride home with their dad after the game so we didn't even make it out of the parking lot and they were saying we're hungry!!! :) Dad to the rescue. Thank GOD for OT!!!

Sunday, October 11, 2009

Separation: Day 111

The weekend went fine. I had my boys all day yesterday. My sister and I took them to see the 3D version of Toy Story 1&2. Talk about some bleacher butt (a la rockstar) after that movie extravaganza!! My youngest loved it and my oldest even laughed out loud in a couple of places. Funny thing was I watched the first few minutes looking at the screen thinking WTH!!! it was real fuzzy. I thought my vision might be going on me and then I remembered that it was 3D and put on the glasses (please insert dumb ass remark here). After the movie I met a friend and his family for supper. His boys love my boys and they always have a good time. I think we are going to have to get out of the eating out stage with them. There is just too much going own and we spend more time talking to the kids than we do to each other. I promised them next time they could come to the land of exile and I would make them homemade soup and cornbread. Then the boys can play outside all they want and pass out from exhaustion. :) After our goodbyes my sister took the boys to get a prize at Wally World and I went to Best Buy to pick out a prize for my other buddy. I had told them I was getting a prize for them earlier in the day and they were excited. My friend made it back from Washington and I went over to his house and heard about his trip. He said that the best part of the trip was Arlington Cemetery and watching the changing of the guards. I would really like to go someday and see all that being as I was a History major in college. My lit'l brother shipped out today and had a brief stop in Ireland (lucky bastard) with a final stop in Kuwait (not so lucky bastard). He will be gone fighting the good fight for a year and left behind his wife and not even two month old son. That has got to suck! I can't imagine not seeing my boys for a year. I don't like to go a day without seeing them, so a year would be like death warmed over. But that is what he signed up to do and he knows that. Just keep him in your prayers that he gets to come home safe!! My weekend ended with a quick nap while my sister watched Drop Dead Diva and Army Wives finales. Another week has begun whether I like it or not!! :)

Friday, October 9, 2009

Separation: Day 108

I have been helping out a friend now for the past month who has a lot of problems. I thought I had problems and I do but this person is overloaded. It is a comfort to help someone and have them appreciate it. I enjoy talking to this person because for a brief time I get my mind off of my problems and onto to something else. I talked to another long lost friend last night and he told me that he wished that he had been a better friend and had took up the time to call and check on me. He said that he wanted to get to a better place to where he could help. So it dawned on me last night on the way home that people do like me. They care about me and want me around. I get compliments all the time about how good a person I am, how good a father I am, and how good a friend I am. I still have people tell me that I was a good husband. I have always been that person but I just lay dormant for a long time. I was thinking about how my life would be right now if my wife hadn't left me. How things would be different and if I would have ever changed. I probably would have never changed to the degree I am now if my wife wouldn't have left me or made a really good threat to. I told my friend the other night that I just wanted someone to love me. I told her that I loved my wife so much that I couldn't stand the thought of being without her forever. I told her that I loved being around her, talking to her, loving on her, kissing her belly. I loved everything about her and was absolutely in love with her. I wanted her more after 12 years than I did on our wedding night. I loved this woman and would do anything for her. But now when I look into the once warm and inviting beautiful green eyes of my wife I stare into the cold dark abyss. I would give anything for a sign just a glimmer of hope. I would give a limb for her to say hold off on that divorce and let's try one more time.

Ten Things I am thankful for:

1. My boys love their daddy.

2. I still have a job and get a little OT every now and again.

3. I have an awesome friend who calls me every morning and every night to check on me and refuses to let me beat myself up.

4. Jason Aldean's "Grown Woman" and "Do You Wish It Was Me".

5. Very few people at work know about my problem.

6. Those that do say nothing about it.

7. Eating out with friends, missed that and didn't even realize it.

8. Wii Rock band, Rock band Country, and Rock band Beetles.

9. Prozac, and Hydrocodine. :)

10. Bojangles's Pork Chop Biscuit. (with cheese)

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

Separation: Day 106

I was doing ok. Really I was. I was going along and singing my happy song and bobbing my head back and forth. I took my oldest out to eat (my youngest went all mommas boy on me) and had a good meal with him. We talked a little about what was going on and how he was doing and about his schooling. Then when I got home to drop him off his mother waved me down and wanted to talk. :( I couldn't help it. She started in on me about why I haven't signed the papers. Always with a calm and cool demeanor completely devoid of any emotion. I told her that I couldn't afford to pay the child support she requested and I was about to lose everything that I had worked for because she wanted something/someone else. She said I didn't come out here to argue with you just wondering what the hold up was. Things digressed from there and I eventually had a bait of it and told her to "get her shit and get the fuck out". She went on to say that as long as her name was on the deed that she could stay in the house. I reminded her that I could move back in anytime I wanted to but I left for the boys. I told her she needed to start looking for a place to live and she said she had been. I told her I knew that there was no shortage of vacancies. It was not good. I ended crying in front of her, lip quivering, big tear drop crying, and I hate myself for it. Again I let her beat me up with I was an awful husband. I sent my friend a text and told her what happened and she told me to STOP!! Not to let her do that. She was real worried and I was just real aloof for a while. Later I sent my wife a text and told her that I didn't want to talk to her anymore and if it couldn't be said in a text then I didn't need to know it. That is hard to say and do but I do so much better without talking to her.

Friday, October 2, 2009

Separation: Day 101

I hit the big 100 yesterday. One hundred days apart from my wife and family. One hundreds days not sleeping in my bed, eating at my table, and sitting in my "big blue chair". One hundred days without a kiss from my wife, sharing a bed with my wife, or anything with my wife. One hundred days of not being there for my boys when they get home, cooking supper for them, watching their favorite shows with them. For as much as I would like to be all doom and gloom to feed my depression it has not been. It has been 100 days of discovery. One hundred days of reinventing or finding my old self. It has been hard I won't lie, and there is still rough days ahead but there is some good to come out of all this. So in my weekly thankful list I am going to list the top ten things to come out of 100+ days apart:

1. See and do more with my boys.

2. See and do more with my family and friends.

3. More understanding of other peoples problems and my own.

4. Getting therapy to help get over the death of my parents and deal with issues.

5. Starting a blog and being introduced to a cornucopia of BBs.

6. Cleaned my truck out. I didn't know I had floor mats!!!!

7. A renewed friendship from long ago that is doing me a world of good.

8. Taking better care of myself.

9. Looking at my wife through a different light.

10. Finding Big John's Dawg House (awesome food).

So it has not all been for not. I wish that I could have discovered these things without my wife having to leave me but I am glad I have.

Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Separation: Day 99

I had a development the other day. I found out that all this time I was right that there was another man. The guys current girlfriend sent me an email of the last letter my wife wrote him confessing her dying love for him and said she would never give up on him. Keep in mind that she has never met him and only talked through Twitter, email, text, and IM. This has been going on since the end of 08. We seperated on 6/23/09. This was my response:


I have read the attached letter over and over. It was two days before I could read it myself. I felt so sick at my stomach and would start to have a panic attack. I finally broke down and read it the other day and cried for so long and so hard that I couldn’t cry anymore. I know you don’t care. I see now that you moved on from me a long time ago. The mourning period for me is long passed (if there ever was one). It is a shame that you gave me up for nothing. The fact that my love meant so little to you that you would give it up for the chance of love real or imagined. I am sure that **** is not as innocent in all this as *** says he is. I am sure that he did lead you on. I am sure there is/was a connection between you two. Not as imagined as *** would like to think. He has played you both. What hurts me the most is that you lied to me from day one. You already loved him on 5/20/09 you loved him on 6/23/09, and you sure as hell loved him on 9/22/09. All of these times I asked you if you loved him and you said no. You lied each and every time. Instead of owning this you turned it around on me. I am sure you didn’t know what to think when you read my blog that said you were having an emotional affair. You couldn’t lie to me ****. For as much as you claim I don’t know you and I never listened to you I was dead on. I knew when **** had cut you off. I could see you were distant, your skin was broke out, and you had two periods real close together. All this from someone who never listened to you, who and abandoned you. Please. You may have shared you heart and soul with **** but I still know you better than anyone. You looked at me **** and lied to my face. Your lips said no but your eyes said yes. "Your green eyes always give you away". I reckon **** wasn’t the only one you communicated with through Flickr and JPG. You knew that blaming me for all this would drive me over the edge. Just like in your case the boys are the only things that kept me here. If not for them I would have left this world a long time ago. You knew that blaming me would kill me and yet you hide behind the truth. If the love was as strong as you said it was then you should have been shouting if from the mountain. I know you are lost right now. I know you don’t know which direction to go. I know the pull of **** is still strong. I know you are willing to wait him and *** out. Maybe he told you he would leave her, I don’t know. What I do know **** is that I love you with all my heart. Even now I ache for you and long for your touch but you have betrayed me and lied to me. I would do anything in the world to help you. To guide you in any direction you want to go in. I know that direction is not towards me. But I do love you ****. You know I do. I don’t have to tell you. As far as a divorce goes I’ll work on it, maybe. Maybe not. I don’t know. There is nothing holding you here. I love and will take care of our boys. Follow your heart and do what makes you happy. You can always see them on the weekends. (That’s nothing less than you done to me, you sacrificed my relationship with my boys for this) I’m sure you and **** can be happy. As for me, I will never be the same without you. There is always a place for you in my heart and my home.

Right now I am lost, and don't where to go. Her pull is undeniable and I still would take her back. Please someone help

Saturday, September 26, 2009

Separation: Day 95

I had a late development in the week and that threw me for a loop. I was too busy figuring that situation out and didn't get to my thankful list.
  1. My youngest won his soccer game. He also scored like 4 goals!!
  2. My youngest told me that papa said he could be the greatest. I said your papa and he said no someone else's!!
  3. All my BBs that check on me and comment and give me encouragement.
  4. I got overtime this week.
  5. A renewed friendship from long ago.
  6. I talked to my father-in-law and he told me to do what I had to do he understood.
  7. A good meal shared with my family.
  8. Texting
  9. Mountain Video
  10. My lit'l sister putting up with her older brother.

I hope everyone is having a good weekend and staying dry.

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

Separation: Day 92

I got my divorce papers yesterday. :(

Seems I have a lot to think about and do.

On a happier note: HAPPY BIRTHDAY JULES!!!

Sunday, September 20, 2009

Separation: Day 89

The day started out late. After working my sixteen hour shift I went and picked up my boys from after school. I took them to the local bakery and got them, my wife, and her friend a snack and dropped it off along with my child support for the week. I had to get me in a little rest before taking them out to eat because I was just dead dog tired. We went to eat at Big John's Dawg House (it's coming quite the hangout for me) and had a really good meal. The whole time my youngest was talking to the kid at the next table. He had a robot dinosaur and my boy had a toy policeman. Of course they had to have a shoot out. I took the boys back home and dropped them off because my oldest had to get up early to go to the football game. I passed out on the bed when I got home like someone had drugged me (really two vicodin and a prozac). I was out from 9pm-9am. I was late getting to the house to get a shower so my buddy and I were late leaving. My wife knew a shortcut while my buddy knew the way the buses went (aka not a shortcut). It took us over two hours of curvy, hilly roads to get there. It rained the whole flipping time and my CD player wouldn't play his "road music". But we had some great conversation and done a lot of catching up. We stopped at a Wendy's for a pee break and when I came back out to the truck my buddy said your alarm went off while you were inside. I said funny because I don't have an alarm system. He said the horn was blowing while you were inside. WTF!! I told him no it wasn't and when we started out into the road it blasted like a siren. My buddy said this ride just got a little more interesting. We finally got to the school and I parked just as close as I could and walked out to watch the game. The boys were already into the first quarter and they were losing by a little. My youngest came running and give me a huge hug and my wife looked at me like I thought he wouldn't come. Ha!! Told you damn it I am a changed man. Then it started to sprinkle. No big deal. Then it started to pour. Oh Hell!! Then the bottom fell out. There I was with no umbrella. My youngest came and offered me a towel from his mom and I told him no thank you. Men don't need umbrellas men just stand there and get wet, and wet I got. I was ringing the water from my shirts. Every time I took a step you could hear a definite squish squashy, squish squashy!!! I looked like the redneck from hell who had entered a wet t-shirt contest and lost. I was soaked to the core. I hung around by my wife's truck because I wanted my son to know that I was there and watched the game in the pouring ass rain because that is the kind of dad I am. He lost the game but he played hard and I got out to help him take off his shoulder pads and got soaked again. Small price to pay for my sons love. While all this was going on my friend (so called) had been sitting in the truck because he didn't want to get wet. We have a mutual friend who has been having marital problems for like two years and she wanted to meet up with my buddy. He told her that he had plans but that I was available and that we could meet and talk. He told me that we would probably end up just talking about her problems the whole night and I told him fine I was getting tired talking about mine. I had to rush home and change out of my sponge and meet her at Longhorns. I got to Longhorns and she text and said I'm inside. I went inside and I text her back and said which location are you at this Longhorns or the one further north. She was out front alright. Out front at Outback Steakhouse. No biggie there just up the street from each other so we finally met up and had an awesome meal. We talked non-stop for four hours about each others problems. You could almost reverse the roles of our marriages and they would be carbon copies. Her husband has the same attitude as my wife and my friend and I are hoping against hope they will come back. It felt good to get a fresh perspective and a relief to be listening to someone else's problems for once. It came time to pay and she wouldn't even let me pay. It was kind of awkward and I told her I felt bad and she said you can get it next time. So....I left the tip anyway. If I hadn't had to come to work I believe we could have talked all night. It was good for the soul and I enjoyed it. I was glad my friend had plans.

Friday, September 18, 2009

Separation: Day 87

My name is Shane. People call me Shane, Shaner, Pendley, Papa, Tiny, and the list goes on. I travel the same stretch of road six or seven days a week. I am easy going and don't require much. For twelve years I was married to the most perfect woman in the world. I loved her with all my heart. We met at the Jasper Family Steakhouse where I was a cook and she was a waitress. We started out slow and soon our love grew to a smoldering heat. We couldn't get enough of each other. Our first kiss was in the dining room late one night while she was cleaning and I was cleaning the kitchen. After getting up the courage to finally kiss her I leaned in and score. It was not a very memorable kiss because although she didn't pull away she kept her mouth and teeth clenched. I walked away from that kiss thinking that I couldn't kiss or inspire her. The next night when I came in she pulled me into the sugar room (no pun intended) and laid a whooping kiss on me I still remember today. She told me I just wanted you to know that was not how I kiss and then laughed her beautiful laugh and ran off. I was just thinking about that tonight. The week has flew by and the weekend is fast upon us. I have to work Saturday so no after party. The good thing is next week will be a good paycheck and I get to see the boys more because my wife has court and I will keep them while she is in court. No therapy this week because of all the double shifts so I am in a funk right now. Not that therapy really helps but I don't talk to very many people about my situation. People at work are slowly hearing about it and I have already been asked about it twice this week. I feel like such a failure every time they bring it up. I always rated my marriage an A++. I didn't know that love had an expiration date. I forgot to check the marriage license to see if there was a "Best If Used By" date on it. I see her out of the corner of my eye and I want to grab her up and give her a "sugar room" kiss and have her swoon and say I have missed you. I want to send her flowers and silly lit'l text messages. I want to bring her breakfast and get that morning kiss. I want to see her fresh out of the bed with her hair all messed up and sleep in her eyes that is when she looked the best to me. On to my weekly thankful list:

1. I have gotten boo coo overtime this week.
2. My boys.
3. My son won his game last week.
4. My company stock is finally going up, and the euro is stronger.
5. Grill cheese sandwiches.
6. My ipod shuffle (even if it is playing "Grown Woman" and I'm crying like a hungry kitten).
7. My friend is going to go with me to the football game.
8. Sweet Pete (she brought me a biscuit yesterday).
9. Diet Mt. Dew in a bottle.
10. Memories of my wife when she was happy. (I was always happy)
Hope everyone has an awesome weekend.
P.S. Top is Ethan my youngest and bottom my oldest Nathaniel.

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

Separation: Day 85

Anna at is having an awesome giveaway for a sweet postcard set called "the little box of i love you". Skip on over and take a gander. Had to work twelve hours today and have to work twelve the rest of the week! Woo Hoo!! The boys are good and my friend called me up tonight and said he was going to go with me to the first away game. That means that I don't have drive two hours by myself and then sit by myself at the football game. He said something about throwing a party afterwards. The afterward I don't know about. It's been a long, long time since I got my drink on. =) Who knows? Might be fun. I seen my wife tonight for about 10 minutes and then cried all the way home. Damn it boy! When does that stop?

Monday, September 14, 2009

Separation: Day 83

You never know how what you do early in life will come back to haunt you in later years. My mother and father both smoked my entire childhood and only quit when it was obvious that they were having serious problems. Did smoking kill them? Yes. Did they do it to themselves? Yes. Did they mean to? No. They paid the ultimate price. Their children, spouse's (dad died first), mothers, father, and grandchildren paid the price too. Since living at my mom and dads place I remember a lot of things that I thought I had forgotten. I have lived there now for 83 days and I have yet to go beyond one bedroom, living room, kitchen, and the bathroom. I have yet to look into my parents room (the original one) and the bedroom that I shared with my brother. I stay in the same room that my mother passed away in. I am reminded everyday of when she died and what the room looked like and who was there. Now my lit'l brother has problems and they have told him that there is nothing else they can do for him. He too like my parents done things to himself that caused this. He has been in and out of the hospital over the last couple of months and the last time he was there they sent in a grief councilor. WTH!!! But it is like I said he knew that one day this time would come. My brother and I have not been close in years but we have always been able to depend on each other. All either one of us had to do was pick up the phone and the other would do whatever it took to help out. I have not talked to him yet but I plan on going to see him more often and taking my boys because they both like him a lot. My weekend went alright. My oldest won his football game. He played a lot and done real good. I had to sit alone for awhile but my sister finally showed up. It wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be, my youngest and his lit'l buddy came and seen me when he wasn't playing mascot. I ended up having to work all weekend but I really wanted to. It helps to work a lot. I say it helps but most weekends I just end up crying in the truck while going and picking up samples. I have had some lonely times lately. My wife always has the boys and she has her mom, dad, and sister to fall back on and to go and visit. I do enjoy getting out and doing things with my friends though. That helps a lot and they care more for me than I ever imagined. I took my boy to a pic-nic Sunday that was thrown for the football team. I love my boy but damn. The food was good but the entertainment was karaoke. Redneck can't sing for shiznit hell!! Everybody around there felt obligated to take a turn whether they could sing or not, and believe me not was the majority. My boy done an impression of Simon Cowell while one was singing. I thought I was going to have to go under the table. I am just glad that I could take him somewhere to have a good time and to spend time with his friends. He thanked me a million times and told me he loved me about the same. All in all a pretty good weekend. Welp it looks like 12 hours shifts all this week so next week will be Money, Money, Money,Money!!! Money!! Oh, and saying that I already had the house payment was a jinx. My sister billed me for half the utilities!!! Damn it! I knew I shouldn't have said anything. Hope everyone has an awesome Monday!!!!!

Friday, September 11, 2009

Separation: Day 80

Yesterday was a pretty good day. I had a good therapy session and got to pick up the boys early from after school. I have to work Saturday and after work I have a football game to go to and then a picnic for the football team Sunday. So my weekend is filled up. Might even sneak in a little me time Saturday with a movie or something. Last nights supper with my friend went real well and he even invited his father and step-mother. We had a blast and the kids got along great. As I have been doing in the past couple of weeks I am going to post my Thankful List:

  1. I still have a job.
  2. I have good health.
  3. I have good friends who care for me and check up on me.
  4. All the advice I get from my bloggerfamilia.
  5. My boys throwing up gang signs yesterday in the truck while listening to 95.5 The Beat!
  6. My boys are in good health and good spirits.
  7. I got to spend some time with Grandma P. Monday.
  8. I have next months house payment already. (Please no jinx)
  9. Big John's Dawg House (damn good burger,fries,wings, hell everything)
  10. My wife gave me a half hug.

I hope that everyone has a good weekend and everything goes their way!!! Be safe and be careful!!

Thursday, September 10, 2009

Separation: Day 79

First off I would like to preface this by saying that I have no prejudices. I have always had the motto live and let live, to each it's own so on and so forth. But we have this person that comes into work occasionally and I don't know what this person's gender is. I mean they have breasts and also have a definite 5 o'clock shadow thing going on. So when I talk about this person I refer to he/she as It. Well this morning It comes in and decides it wants to vent. It starts talking to me about the economy, health care, workers rights, moral fiber, and his dads lack of it. Somewhere in the conversation It says that its dad in order to sale a car one time packed the rear end of the car with saw dust (apparently this helps the rear end temporarily). But the only part of the conversation that my buddy got was the part about the rear end and I never heard the end of it the rest of the night. They even went out and told another driver the story and he came in and told me that It radioed him and told him how good a person I was and that I was a good listener. I was like WTH!!!!!!!!!!!!! But then he mentioned the saw dust and I said ok you went too far you had me till you said saw dust. I have always been careful of using any gender specific salutations so....But It told me it had a girlfriend. But that doesn't mean anything. So I guess live and let live. So tonight me and the boys are going to meet my buddy with his family at this new "dive" and eat and fellowship for a while. I have grown quite fond of his kids and him and his wife text me all the time making sure I am ok. I'm glad to have reacquainted myself with an old friend.

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

Separation: Day 77

I am not one to follow trends. I have left my hair short instead of letting it grow out long and hang in my face. I have no tattoos, no piercing, I don't smoke, chew, dip or do any recreational drugs. But for a while now I have been looking at these people who shave off their mustaches and leave just their beard or chin whiskers. So the other day while looking in the mirror I done something I have not done in almost ten years. I shaved my mustache off and left just my chin whiskers. I had to do it to see if I still had an upper lip. I was shocked at the difference it made. You could actually see me smile. Not that I had anything to smile about but if ever there arose an occasion you could see it plain as day. I have been told that I had a "cute turned up lip" and although I don't see cute it is turned up slightly. I know your thinking by now that the 77th day must be rough as hell and I am reaching for something to write about. That is not the case at all. I just wanted to try something different and for once I did. My oldest didn't saying anything about the missing mustache but he did say that my face looked a lot slimmer. The boys at work are calling me Ishmael, and my little big friend said it suited me and he was thinking about doing it. My oldest lost his football game over the weekend but he put in a valiant effort. I had lots of family come out and sit with me. I am always afraid that I will have to sit by myself which will be the case on away games but I will manage. I kept both the boys Friday night and then took them out to eat and get movies after the game. I took them back home and kept them until my wife got back from seeing the new nephew and getting groceries. The boys and I always have a good time and I look forward to every minute I get to spend with them.

Thursday, September 3, 2009

Separation: Day 73

Today was therapy day. I always stop and pick up my sister a Chik-Filet chicken biscuit. When you live with someone rent free you kinda do them any favor they want. So that is my routine every Thursday, therapy then Chik-Filet. I would be going broke if I was still at home because I know that I would buy my wife lunch every Thursday. But....Anyway therapy went good and we touched on somethings other than the marriage. He always wants to know how I am doing and how the boys are doing. He told me today that I should realize now that there is no way to save my marriage. I don't believe that, I didn't feel like arguing but I don't believe that. In some sick way I still hold out hope. I still expect to see her come through the door at my sisters place and tell me to come home. I know I must be high on pain killers and Prozac but hey its my dream. I didn't get much sleep today because my brother and his father-in-law came and cut the grass about 1pm after I got in bed about 11am. WTH!!!!! But the yard looked real good and there is nothing better than the smell of fresh cut grass. I am going to go watch "Gamer" tomorrow night with my brother and my oldest boy. I think he will probably spend the night with me and then I'll take him to the football game Saturday. I am going to post some pictures of the boys later so people can put faces with oldest and youngest boys. I get to work twelve hours Sunday so I will get a pretty decent check next week too. I need it, the house payment comes every month!! So now it is time to list everything that I am thankful for, so.......

  1. I have a job.
  2. My boy won his football game last week.
  3. I got to spend sometime with my boys this week.
  4. I have been doing better getting out and walking more.
  5. I actually went shopping for a birthday present (my wife wrapped it).
  6. I hear from friends and family every week to hang in there.
  7. I was able to help a friend in need.
  8. I think I sold my old truck.
  9. All my friends (bloggers included) and family for helping me out.
  10. No one at work knows that I am having marital problems.
  11. A hug I got last night.
  12. I got a jar of home canned jalapenos. (AKA around here as Jay lap a knows) ;)

Hope everyone has a kick ass weekend!!

Separation: Day 72

People say she's only in my head
It's gonna take time but I'll forget
Say I need to get on with my life
But what they don't realize
Is when you're dialing six numbers just to hang up the phone
Driving cross town just to see if she's home
Waking up a friend in the dead of night
Just to hear him say it'll be alright
When you're finding things to do at night, not to fall asleep
Because you know she'll be there in your dreams
That's when she's
More than a memory.
Garth Brooks
I got my lit'l brother to fill up my ipod schuffle with music to help me walking. The other night when I was listening I heard this song. Of course tears started welling up in my eyes and I had to listen to it over and over. Damn it. He knew what he was doing when he put that on there. My brother has been up this week so he could show off the new nephew. My sister is a little upset because she hasn't got to see him or the baby yet. I told her last night that new mothers were very particular and didn't like to drag newborns out much. She said she understood but she don't. I seen the baby the other day he is real cute and has a head full of hair. The baby looks like my brother, me and my sister. We all have black hair, and dark eyes. I always wanted to have a dark haired baby but both my boys have blond hair and green eyes like their mother. I wouldn't have them any other way though. I have to get my mise en place (my space) cleaned at her house because they all are coming over Friday for dinner. I told her that I would cook the pork roast we have and bbq it. We will have that with slaw, chips, and corn on the cob. That should be plenty and everyone likes bbq. I don't really have any plans this weekend other than my oldest's football game Saturday. It won't take me long to clean my space since in consists of a bed and nightstand. Seriously that is all I have. My clothes hang in the hall way and I usually pull clean clothes from out of the dryer or from the top of it. Ahh the life of a man in exile. I had to work late yesterday and just got to the ball field in time to take my boys back home. My youngest climbed in the truck and said that he wanted to go get movies. :/ I told him he would have to wait for the weekend for that. It was good to see them if only for a few minutes. My wife brought me out some pictures of the football team and they were real good. My boys are growing up fast. is therapy day so maybe I can shake some of the blahs I have been dealing with lately. I have been crying daily, and seeing my wife everyday doesn't help. I miss her so much.....but you know that by now.

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

Separation: Day 70

"And you, my father, there on the sad height,Curse, bless, me now with your
fierce tears, I pray. Do not go gentle into that good night. Rage, rage against
the dying of the light. " Dylan Thomas

This came to me tonight as I was sitting here wallowing in self-pity. I had something strange happen tonight when I got to work. I had had a bad day and my wife talked to me about the divorce tonight and I was feeling real down and beat up. Then the phone rang at work and it was an old driver that used to come in everyday. He and I would talk about what we were reading and if we had heard of anything good to read. He was a preacher and was taking classes to become a pastor. He called out of the blue (and late to boot since I work third shift) and told me he had been thinking about me and wanted to know how I was and how everything was going at work. He had a stroke recently and had started on disability. He said he was fine and that he was getting to read a lot. Then he told me that he loved me and that he would come up here and see all of us some time. The fact that an old friend had called me up and told me that they were thinking of me and that they loved me took me back some. The other day at the party all the parents came and gave me a hug and told me that they were glad to see me and that I had well behaved and good looking boys. My grandmother always told me that I had an old soul. She said I felt more deeply than anyone she knew. My oldest is the same way. What I don't understand is I am trying so hard to be a better man but I have this huge black hole sucking the life from me. I love my wife with all my heart and why she is hell bent on shredding my soul I have no clue. I don't know how someone could share their life with another person and then just walk away like nothing ever happened. I am a good man I know this. I try hard to help people and be good to other people, always have. I don't understand why I have to go through this. All I want to do is hold my wife again. Hold her in my arms and never let her go. I want to whisper in her ear that I love her as long as I have life. The pain of the emptiness is unrelenting and it echos through the chambers of my heart.

Monday, August 31, 2009

Separation: Day 69

I have started this blog three times and went back and erased it. I went to a birthday party this weekend at my friends house with the two boys. I have really reconnected with him over the past couple of months. We have a long past and it's not always been good and of course with any friend there was a girl involved. But that is all in the past and he is a pretty good friend. The party was loud, loud, and louder. There were about 10 kids there so actually the noise level was pretty tame at times. My boys behaved real good and I actually got some compliments about how well behaved they were and how much they loved on their dad. They are some good boys and they do tell me they love me all the time. One of my friends boys was playing with two Star Wars figures and I told him to give me one and I held my hand out and he ran and jumped in my arms and gave me the biggest neck hug. I thought damn it boy I was going to play action figures with you and now you done got me choked up. It was fun being around a crowd for once. I never liked going out before and being around people but now I kind of enjoy it. One woman came up and told me she had heard A LOT of stories about me. A long time ago there was this other Shane and he lived life to the fullest. There are stories I could tell but that would be another blog for another day. While at the party they introduced me to a woman who was separated from her husband and has two boys like me. They were all at the party and they were real cordial to each other. But she and I have another thing in common it seems that sometimes our brain/mouth filter gets clogged up. ;) Her's is a little more extreme than mine in that she sometimes has no filter and just says what comes to mind. We all had a good time and the boys I know were worn out when we left. I'm sure my wife enjoyed her time by herself. The boys really are a trip and they do some of the funniest things and I am glad that I am around to watch them grow into the men they will one day be.

Friday, August 28, 2009

Separation: Day 66

I went to the bathroom tonight and had myself a good cry. I know that a man probably shouldn't admit to that but it's out there now. I didn't have therapy today so I missed my weekly soul cleansing. Yesterday I went and picked up my boys from school and took them to my wife's house while I took a shower. My oldest done his homework so he wouldn't have to rush back and do it and my youngest ate Cheeze Its (that's the way they spell it) and watched cartoons until I got ready to go. When I started out the door my wife showed up and my youngest decided that if I wasn't going to Taco Bell he wasn't going. Well....he had to stay with his mom. My oldest and I went and had hot wings and chili cheese fries. Oh yeah, it was as good as it sounds. When I walked in the lady said it's good to see you back is your wife not with you. For a minute I thought (wtf!) then I remembered that my sister was with me the last time. I gently corrected her as my son looked like I should be telling him something. When I got out to the truck I had discovered that I had gotten a bargain. I got the whole meal for around ten bucks. I went back in and told the girl that I owed her some more money and she looked at me like you have got to be kidding. Ended up I owed another seventeen to go with the ten. She said thanks you saved me from getting into big trouble. So my conscious cost me seventeen bucks!! I knew better than to tempt fate, if I had walked out and left it like that I would have lost that money somewhere along the way. Happens every time. What comes around goes around. I am a big believer in that. Anyway, I took my boy back home and dropped him off and took a nap before going into work. What was the reason for the crying spell? It just came over me in the bathroom. Just a wave of emotion. Dread, pain, loneliness, scorn, all the usual suspects. But amazingly I felt a little better when I got done. So now as I promised I would I am going to write my thankful list:

  1. Micah was born on 8/27/09, he weighed 6lbs and was 21 inches long. I am his Uncle.
  2. I get to work this weekend.
  3. I made it through the first cut of layoffs at work this week.
  4. My wife made it to and from NY safely.
  5. Both my boys are doing good in school and are healthy.
  6. I have enough money in the bank to make my house payment.
  7. I have two boys that love me even if I'm not going to Taco Bell. :)
  8. I am alive and well.
  9. I have good blogger friends who inspire me and check up on me daily.

That would be about it. I hope everyone has a good weekend!!!!!

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Separation: Day 63

Yesterday as I entered the house I remembered how sometimes I would stand behind the door and surprise my wife when she would come home on break. I would grab her when she came in and give her a big hug and kiss. As I made my way to the kitchen I remembered all the meals and get togethers we hosted and how happy we were working in the kitchen. I also thought back to how excited I would get when I got up early and had supper or her lunch fixed so I could spend just a little bit more time with her. All the cheese eggs that I had fixed for my oldest who loved and looked forward to them anytime he stayed with me. As I sit in the "big blue chair" I thought back to the nights that I would sit with her helping her name her pictures on Flickr before going into work. Also I chuckled at the many times that I called her Flickr Queen. As I made my way down the hall I remembered seeing her in her white cotton gown throwing clothes into the dryer to "iron" themselves. I remembered back to the times she helped the boys clean their rooms or they watched her clean. After getting a shower I sit at the foot of the bed on the bench she had bought me for my birthday and remembered all the hugs and kisses I had gotten before she went to bed. All the many times I had watched her fix her hair in the bathroom mirror and the disgusted looks she would make because it wouldn't curl the right way or that it curled period. But I also remembered the night she said she thought she was done. She said a lot of things that night that hurt me deeply. Things she had been wanting to say but wouldn't. I remembered she followed me down the hall and out on the front porch telling me that she was sure that she was done and told me to be careful going to work because I was so torn up. I remember how I thought it would last forever. A friend and fellow blogger sent me a quote that she thought was appropriate:

"I would like to beg you, as well as I can, to have patience with
everything unresolved in your heart and to try to love the questions themselves
as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. Don't
search for the answers, which could not be given to you now because you would
not be able to live them. And the point is to live everything. Live the
questions now. Perhaps,someday far in the future, you will gradually, without
even noticing it, live your way into the answer." ~Rainer Maria Rilke

It is true that there is much unresolved in my heart and up until now I haven't been very patient. It is true that I have been searching for the answers and not living the questions. I also hope that one day in the future I will live the answers. I do know that resolution is out there but for now the emotion of the pursuit of happiness seems unending and unreachable. But I do know that through patience I will be able to unlock the misery and translate the pain into happiness. Thanks for the quote it means so much.

Sunday, August 23, 2009

Separation: Day 62

I had an awesome weekend with the boys! Our first night I made boneless fried chicken with mashed potatoes, homemade gravy, homemade mac and cheese, and hot dog bun toast (hated to throw them out). We watched some TV and went to bed late so they would sleep later. :) I got up early Saturday morning and got them a biscuit and came back home to get ready for my oldest boys football game. His team lost the game but my boy done real good and the announcer called him out special when he made a tackle. My friend came up with his family and watched the game and that made my youngest boys day. The cheerleader coach brought a mascot uniform for my youngest to wear. My boy can be a ham when he wants to be but he has to warm up to the idea around strangers. The little boy they got to wear it done an incredible job and was so cute and funny. That night after the game I took them to get some movies and I picked up pizzas and we went back to my wife's house to watch the movies and eat. We watched 17 Again and then me and my youngest watched two episodes of Scooby Doo!!! We gathered up our junk and went back to the land of exile and slept. Sunday morning I got up early because my friend text me at 7:30 am (WTF!!!) and wanted to know about watching Inglorious Bastards we made plans to watch that while my sister took my boys shopping with her to find a dress for an up coming wedding. Also it was my wife's birthday and the boys needed to get her something. The movie was gory, and funny as hell. Brad Pitt made the movie. He has a killer southern accent and everyone else was great too. After the movie I went to Olive Garden and bought my wife a piece of tiramisu (her favorite cake) for her birthday and stopped by and got her a card. Then back to the house to clean it up so she wouldn't walk into a mess, wash my boys uniform and hang it to air dry and put in another load of clothes. Washed a few dishes and took out the trash and folded a load of clothes she had on her bed. Also raised the window and turned on the ceiling fans so the house would be nice and aired out. Thus ended my weekend with the boys, somehow when they go shopping for someone else they end with something for their trouble?? That's my boys though. I was tagged by Jules to do this so here goes:

1. Favorite Summer Movie - Inglorious Bastards was real good. Transformers was good, along with Harry Potter.

2. Favorite Summer Cocktail - I don't drink that much so I would have to say Mike's Hard Lemons and Miller Lite. Did drink some Blue Sky's my wife mixed up they were good.

3. Favorite Summer Song - Since everything reminds me of my wife kicking me out like piled up trash...Daughtry-No Surprise, The Fray-Don't Let Me Go, Jason Aldean-Grown Woman, and Kelly Clarkson-Already Gone.

4. Favorite Summer Meal - Hot Wings!!!

5. Favorite Summer Outfit - T-shirt and joggers.

6. Favorite Summer Read - Odd Hours-Dean Koontz, Bleachers-John Grisham, The Associate-John Grisham.

7. Favorite Summer Moment - This past weekend with my kids! We had an awesome time. Also 5/25/09. Just for personal reasons.

Since I am new to this I won't tag any one. But if you feel compelled I would enjoy reading it!! Just let me know. ;)

Friday, August 21, 2009

Separation: Day 59

My wife left today to go to NY for the weekend and I have the boys. They got to the house late because my oldest didn't get done with his homework and my sister had to give my youngest a bath. The boys were tired and I turned the TV off at about 10pm and we went to sleep. Or they went to sleep and I took a nap before going into work. When I got up to leave they both were sound a sleep and snoring. Therapy went pretty good today. We talked somethings out and maybe made some progress on some blahs I had. I was nervous seeing my wife tonight because I am worried about her flying and being up in NY. She give me a hug and agreed to call me when she got there. So that made me feel better. I love her so very much and miss her something awful. My boy has a ballgame this weekend and I am going to have some friends over so my boys can play with their boys. They had a real good time last time and I think they need a break from all that is going on. I hope my boy does good and they win their game because they have practiced hard and he has made a lot of progress. I called my buddy yesterday to see if they still planned on coming and what they wanted me to cook. I was prepared to make BBQ pork, homemade chili, homemade pizza, or whatever they wanted. He just said don't go to any trouble we will just order some pizzas. So now that I won't be cooking Saturday I am going to cook boneless chicken, homemade mac and cheese, whole potatoes, and my biscuit bread tonight. That will be the first meal I have cooked since living with my sister. I made some homemade gravy the other night and it was real good. The last time I cooked at my house I made pork chops, mac and cheese, black eyed peas and corn bread (sugary kind like my wife likes). When I asked my boy the next day if they enjoyed the meal he said his mom had ate left over chili and threw what I made away. She did crumble some of the cornbread up in her chili so it wasn't a total waste. I love to cook and don't mind washing dishes. It kills me that I can't cook supper for them more often. I am going to make up for it this weekend. It just so happens that I got the weekend off too. Can't really afford it but they only need one man this weekend and I am the low man on the totem pole. I promised to make a list of things I was thankful for instead of always dwelling on the negative. So here goes:

  1. My two boys love their dad.
  2. I have not been sick in a while.
  3. I have a job.
  4. I have many friends who care for me.
  5. I am surrounded by family who love me.
  6. I have a place to live.
  7. The sunrise outside the office door every morning.
  8. My wife no matter what.
  9. My blogger friends who encourage me.
  10. I have the weekend off to spend with my boys!!

I am thankful for all that and more but that will do for this week. Next week I will try to do the same thing.

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

Separation: Day 57

Today was a hard day. I slept pretty good (thanks Prozac) but didn't feel refreshed when I woke up. I waited to the last minute to go take a shower and decided I wasn't going to leave this time. I just set in the "big blue chair" and waited on my boy to get done eating so I could take him to practice. My wife and I talked back and forth some. Just idle chit chat nothing imperative. I love talking to her, we used to talk for hours on end and never run out of things to say. That is why now the silence is so painful. I just keep thinking to myself it was just a mere 68 days ago (there was a time when she could stand me in the same house) that my wife loved me and wanted to spend the rest of her life with me. We always signed each others cards with:

Love you forever + a day, + infinity + a day, + eternity + a day, + a

It was just May 19th, and my world was as I would have it be. My wife loved me, my boys loved me, and I was happy. Sure there were things that needed improving and things that I should have been working on but nothing that threw up flares. Nothing that said if you don't change your ways your headed for divorce. But apparently it was just lying under the surface. If I had only knew then what I know now. Today was a double edged sword. I miss her so much that I am willing to sit there knowing it is going to tare me up something awful. I was crying when she pulled up in the parking lot at practice. The thought of being without her the rest of my life still takes my breathe. It just kills me to think that I will never be able to hold her again. She leaves Friday for NY. I had already bought her ticket back in February. She is so excited about going and I am excited for her. She has never been and I really am happy she is getting the opportunity. But I am worried about her. I hate to think of her up there and something happening to her. That is a long ways to be from home to have something happen. I am going to miss her coming home to me and sharing her adventure and showing me all the pictures she took. My wife is an awesome photographer with a keen eye. She takes amazing photos and I am man enough to admit that sometimes I was jealous at how talented she really is. But I guess I won't get to see any of them or hear any of the details. I really do miss my wife. I miss looking into her beautiful green eyes. I love green eyes and she has them is spades. They are electric and piercing at the same time. They are loving and condemning at the same time. And when she is mad they flash with furious anger. It know. I thought I would share something that I wrote a while back about having to live in my parents place again:

The walls they remember me.

They close in around me....smothering me.

I gasp for fresh air but I'm met with stale lucidity.

Pictures of mom and dad adorn the walls.

Warning: Reflections in the pictures may hurt more than they appear.

A red dot states that you are here.

Followed by a hecklers cackle devoid of cheer.

Well that should be enough for another cry on your shoulder session. I just wish she would come see me before she leaves.

Sunday, August 16, 2009

Separation: Day 55

It was a pretty good weekend because I had to work all weekend and that helps keep me sane. The work keeps me busy so I don't think about my situation as much. NOT!! There is nothing that takes my mind off of this but working does help. I have always drowned my sorrows in work. Some people drink, some people eat, some people smoke, I work. I work a lot. After dad died I worked a lot of 100+ hour weeks. At the time I didn't know that was why I was doing it but I was. I wasn't trying to avoid or abandon my wife and kids I was dealing with my dads death the only way I knew how. That has been my life story. I got a job to get out of the house. I had rather work than to stay at home(mom and dads). I loved school for that reason. Mom and Dad weren't very involved parents. Sure they cared for me and provided for me but anything beyond that it was up to me to find. I think that is why I loved my grandmother so much. She loved me no matter what I did and who I became. My parents loved me they just weren't that supportive. I am not trying to get sympathy here just stating a fact. That was a hard revolution to say out loud. If anything good has come out of this it is I know that work is not a way to deal with things and I need to enjoy life more. Be more involved in the lives of others. I had started doing that before with my wife's grandparents. I really loved them both and made an extra effort to see them before they went back home. They really accepted and loved me despite my faults and shortcomings. I guess that part of my life is over now also. I came upon something someone else had wrote about the passing of their dad and it really struck a cord with me:

"You're not getting through your grief when the memory of your loved one STOPS
making you cry. You're getting through your grief when the memory of your loved
one STARTS making you smile again" :-)

That is very relevant in the death of my parents and my current situation. I can't smile yet. I don't see how I could ever smile about losing my wife. About having my wife just walk away while there was still so much to say. (Thanks Rascal Flats) I still love my wife very much and miss her more and more everyday. I have smiled a few times thinking about mom and dad. I used to walk around the house and cry looking at their pictures (it's been a while since I did that) and I have even called out for mom a couple of times. But I always done it while I was alone. Didn't want anyone to think I was going crazy. When you lose your parents you have lost your center, your bearings, your foundation. What makes this so hard with my wife is that it is she is like a ghost. I can see her and hear her but I can't touch her. She is like a specter. I can look into her eyes but I can not engage her. The other day while at football practice one of the mothers came up and spoke with me about family. When she was leaving she padded me on the shoulder and back. I had chills run through me. I had forgotten what it felt like to be touched by someone who cared. I almost lost it right there. The last time I felt that was on the fourth of July when my wife briefly rubbed my shoulder coming around me. Even then I could feel her love. I felt it in her touch. I'm sure she doesn't remember it but I do. I would give anything in this world that was my power to give to make things better with my wife. I have done everything she asked me to. I don't think it is too much to ask her to do the same. To look into her heart of hearts and reach down deep to find the courage and will to love me again. I have a dream one day that I will wake up and she will be sitting next to my bed holding my hand with tears in her eyes telling me to come home Shane I miss you. I have a hope that one day I will roll over to the cold side of the bed and feel her warmth once more. I have aspirations that one day I will be in the family photos again and not just in the background. I pray that my prayers will rise above the ceiling and not fall to the floor. Most of all I just hope against hope that my wife will come back.

Thursday, August 13, 2009

Separation: Day 51

Today is therapy day. I have to go and talk about the problems I am having and how they are effecting my everyday life and how I am coping. Well to be honest if I were an airplane I would be in a dead stall right now. I don't know what to do. Everything I do seems like it is wrong. If I do something right I think it is wrong, and if I do something that is wrong I think I have really messed up. You have seen the movies where the pilot is barreling towards the earth and they are screaming pull up, pull up!!! Well that is me right now, except I can not hear the warnings, all I see is the earth barreling towards me at warp speed and I am in a daze. I think the biggest thing is that the shock has worn off and I am able to see daylight in this separation. I have come to realize some very important things.
  1. My wife had/is having an emotional affair with another man.
  2. After all is said and done I would still take her back.

It just hit me the other day that she has never given me a straight answer on whether she loves him or not. Every time I asked her if she has told him that she loves him she keeps telling me that he has a girlfriend.Well, so flippin what, she has a husband and I didn't stop up any holes. What if he didn't have a girlfriend would she have told him by now. She doesn't have to tell him to have those feelings. She has them I can tell. She always said she could tell if I am lying and she could but I can tell she is not telling me the whole truth. If there was nothing to hide why erase all the text messages? Why? If I had seen them and they would have been idle chit chat I would have blew it off. I wouldn't have liked it but I would have blown it off. But when you know they are talking all hours of the night and then you check and the evidence has been erased then you naturally assume that it was something that wasn't good. So for the time being I can not even look her in the eye. I really don't want to be around her but I have to be because of the boys. She knows that she has wronged me but it has not affected her in the least. She is still talking to him everyday and probably hoping that he will leave his girl for her. Who knows? I just know that I have looked into her eyes and know there is more than she is telling me.