Friday, October 30, 2009

Separation: Day 129

Last night I took my oldest to football practice on a baseball field so they could practice up into the night because the field had lights. WTH!! He is ten years old. He is not in highschool. Come on people he has to get some sleep and do homework. My youngest and my soon to be ex-wife showed up after his soccer match and watched the rest of his practice. My youngest and his little girlfriend climbed in the truck with me and jammed out. The little girl asked me what I was going to be for Halloween and I told her a worker I reckon. She seen the hard hat and had to try it on with the safety glasses. Then she wanted me to wear it and see if my eyes would cross with the glasses on. They would. Then she wanted to see if hers would cross when she had the glasses on. They did. She was going as Miley Cyrus and my youngest is going as Ben 10. But guess what? The playoff game is on Saturday so neither one of my boys is going to go trick or treating. That has got to suck for them. I have to work tonight and then the rest of the weekend is mine. Woo Hoo. My new BFF is supposed to be cooking something up for us to do so who knows what I will end up into. Here goes my Thankful list:

  1. Unlimited texting! (Without this I would be frigged)
  2. My boys love their Sweet Daddy!!
  3. Jericho (late to the game on this one but a good show, anything with Major Dad in it is good)
  4. Biscuits (sausage, gravy, ham-n-cheese, bacon-n-cheese)
  5. Honey Nut Cheerios
  6. My new BFF, she is there to help cheer me up whenever I am down which is a lot!
  7. A lawyer friend who gave me FREE advice.
  8. My Sissy Poo (she puts up with her brother and takes up for him and cares for him)
  9. My oldest made it to the playoffs!!!!
  10. My BBs.

Thursday, October 29, 2009

Separation: Day 128

I went to see a lawyer yesterday to get him to go over the papers and explain them to me and make sure there wasn't anything I was overlooking. Turns out she was pretty close on the child support so I guess I will be broke pretty much the next fourteen years. I told him about a few things I wanted to add and he said all I had to do was tell her I wanted it added before signing the papers. So I guess I am on the way to divorce. I picked up my boys at after school yesterday and was going to take them out to eat but my youngest pitched a fit. He didn't want anything to eat so I took them home and waited on my wife to show up and left my youngest with her while the oldest and I went out to eat at Big John's Dawg House. MMMMMMM.......Hot wings! MMMMMM....Chili cheese fries. It was an awesome meal and we had some good talks about everything. I went out to eat with my friend (really becoming BFF, sounds too feminine to say) and I gave her a book to read Facing Your Giants, gave her a quart jar of sorghum syrup, and the bootleg copy of the Hangover. Damn she thought it was Christmas! The book was a gift from my wife and was meant to be an inspiration for me to change. Guess I missed that boat. :) ANYWAY, all is well and work is holding out and I get to work a little overtime this week. Woo Hoo!! My oldest won his football game last weekend and now they are going to the playoffs! Go Green Dragons!!

Sunday, October 25, 2009

Separation: Day 124

No one knows at what point their life will change. Six months ago I was a happily married man with two loving children and thought I had the best life, better than I deserved. I can remember writing when I was in grade school that I planned to get married and live happily ever after. I was sure that I had found my partner, my soul mate, the woman who had imprisoned my heart. We had always told each other that we would never leave each other unless either of us cheated on the other. I knew that I never would so I thought this marriage will last forever. That all changed one day when I found an email exchange between her and another guy. It seemed innocent enough and she quickly dismissed it and went on the offensive and told me that all our problems were my problems. I didn't believe her. I couldn't believe her. Not me, not me, the "perfect husband". After many therapy sessions in which her and the therapist ganged up on me they eventually convinced me that it was all my fault and that I still wasn't "getting it". I enlisted the help of my own personal therapist and we began to talk. I told him about feelings I had had for a long time, things I hadn't told my wife.

So the person I loved and dedicated my heart and life to knew that I was already on the edge and she left anyway. She knew that this might push me over the edge and she left me anyway and blamed me for it. How could someone do that? How could someone who loved you push you to the edge and then drop kick you over. Even today it's the same way. I was out of work this week for two days because I had an accident and ran over my neighbors satellite dish and knocked his propane tank rolling. She never questioned me. She never asked how are you, are you ok? How does someone love someone for twelve years and then all of a sudden care less whether they live or die. I had a real bad cold for a week, hacking, coughing, wheezing, feverish. Not one question, not one concern. She came in the other night while I was dressing and she looked tired. I immediately asked if she was ok, if there was anything that I could do. When I left the house the other night I sent her a text and asked her if she wanted some company. I told her that I would be happy sitting on the bench at the foot of the bed just watching her sleep, and that I missed her so much. Her response: No. So polite. A week ago she sent me a long text telling me that if I didn't return the divorce papers signed that she was going to have me served. WTH??? Is it really true that good guys never win?

Saturday, October 17, 2009

Separation: Day 116

Everyday is an adventure. Everyday I go to work on time and leave on time. I have therapy once a week and I feel my gas tank up once a week. Thus is my life. Before I would have never went to therapy and only filled my tank up every other week. This is the time of year that every-one's rear puckers up and waits for the big kiss off. Every year at this time the company decides that they want to put everyone on 32 hours a week maximum and they cry if they have to pay out any OT. Then you go to a meeting and they give you the slobbering blues about how they are hurting too. Yeah they're hurting, hurting from all that sitting on their ass figuring out how to cut out more time. This year I have the pleasure of going through a DIVORCE along with all this other worry!! Score!! Bonus!!! My wife who's job is secure and also has added income (a la me) has no worries. The only worry she has is if she can get enough long baths, and naps in in a week. While I on the other hand worry night and day about where my next dollar is coming from and where I am going to lay my head down in about two months. But I digress. Now is time for my thankful list:

  1. My boys.
  2. The Hangover (great movie got it on bootleg shhhh!!)
  3. Mac and Cheese (oh hell yeah)
  4. (ordered my youngest b-day gift)
  5. My blogging buddies.
  6. "The Shack" by William P. Young
  7. Diet Dr. Pepper
  8. My good night/good morning, daily affirmation buddy. She's the best!
  9. Cold water from the water cooler.
  10. Human Resources

This is a pretty good picture into my life this week! Hope everyone has a kick ass weekend!!

Thursday, October 15, 2009

Separation: Day 114

I had to work 16 mo-flipping hours yesterday! Well actually in all honesty I didn't have to I just did. I feel bad if I turn down any overtime. Especially lately because of the boys. My wife has curtailed her activities back a lot and eating out since the separation and everytime the boys are with me they want to eat out and get prizes. So anytime there is overtime to be had I say yes sir!!! Yesterday was one hell of a day. I started off the morning by falling in the breakroom, face first no less, and then working 16 hours. Ironically I had to stay for 8 hours of safety training. There is nothing better than having a near miss accident and then going to a meeting where we talk about how to avoid having them. For 8 hours!! But it was OT so I am not going to complain. I got home late in the afternoon and just passed out. When I woke up my leg was stove up like a mother huncher. I didn't even get to talk to my buddy yesterday. She sent me a couple of text and I didn't answer her till late. I try to send her an email everyday with some daily affirmations to help keep her positive. I was talking to her the other night and I was laying on the positivity and in the back of my mind I was like when are going to start believing in what you are preaching? I picked the boys up the other day from after school so they could be fed and ready to go when my wife got home. My oldest had an away football game. I picked them up and took them to the house and fixed fish sticks and "fry-fries" for my youngest and cheese eggs for my oldest. He loves my cheese eggs and he doesn't get when ol' dad isn't around. I thought while I was fixing his eggs I would make my wife a fried egg and cheese sandwich on toast a favorite of hers. So they left me to get ready and I checked to see if my wife eat her sandwich. Any guesses? That would be a negative. Why oh why do I try? This time it didn't bother me. I wanted to be the bigger person and just fix it. If she eat it she eat it, if she didn't she didn't. NO BIGGIE!! My sister went shopping yesterday and when I woke up I had a prize sitting on my night stand. A huge container of Reese's Peanut Butter Whoppers!!!! If you have never had then they are flipping awesome!!!! Ya!!!!!!! Sissy!!!!!!!!! Today is payday! Payday!! Payday!! Woo Hoo!! The one day of the week I look forward to. My boy won his football game 19-0, and my youngest wore the mascot uniform!! They wanted to ride home with their dad after the game so we didn't even make it out of the parking lot and they were saying we're hungry!!! :) Dad to the rescue. Thank GOD for OT!!!

Sunday, October 11, 2009

Separation: Day 111

The weekend went fine. I had my boys all day yesterday. My sister and I took them to see the 3D version of Toy Story 1&2. Talk about some bleacher butt (a la rockstar) after that movie extravaganza!! My youngest loved it and my oldest even laughed out loud in a couple of places. Funny thing was I watched the first few minutes looking at the screen thinking WTH!!! it was real fuzzy. I thought my vision might be going on me and then I remembered that it was 3D and put on the glasses (please insert dumb ass remark here). After the movie I met a friend and his family for supper. His boys love my boys and they always have a good time. I think we are going to have to get out of the eating out stage with them. There is just too much going own and we spend more time talking to the kids than we do to each other. I promised them next time they could come to the land of exile and I would make them homemade soup and cornbread. Then the boys can play outside all they want and pass out from exhaustion. :) After our goodbyes my sister took the boys to get a prize at Wally World and I went to Best Buy to pick out a prize for my other buddy. I had told them I was getting a prize for them earlier in the day and they were excited. My friend made it back from Washington and I went over to his house and heard about his trip. He said that the best part of the trip was Arlington Cemetery and watching the changing of the guards. I would really like to go someday and see all that being as I was a History major in college. My lit'l brother shipped out today and had a brief stop in Ireland (lucky bastard) with a final stop in Kuwait (not so lucky bastard). He will be gone fighting the good fight for a year and left behind his wife and not even two month old son. That has got to suck! I can't imagine not seeing my boys for a year. I don't like to go a day without seeing them, so a year would be like death warmed over. But that is what he signed up to do and he knows that. Just keep him in your prayers that he gets to come home safe!! My weekend ended with a quick nap while my sister watched Drop Dead Diva and Army Wives finales. Another week has begun whether I like it or not!! :)

Friday, October 9, 2009

Separation: Day 108

I have been helping out a friend now for the past month who has a lot of problems. I thought I had problems and I do but this person is overloaded. It is a comfort to help someone and have them appreciate it. I enjoy talking to this person because for a brief time I get my mind off of my problems and onto to something else. I talked to another long lost friend last night and he told me that he wished that he had been a better friend and had took up the time to call and check on me. He said that he wanted to get to a better place to where he could help. So it dawned on me last night on the way home that people do like me. They care about me and want me around. I get compliments all the time about how good a person I am, how good a father I am, and how good a friend I am. I still have people tell me that I was a good husband. I have always been that person but I just lay dormant for a long time. I was thinking about how my life would be right now if my wife hadn't left me. How things would be different and if I would have ever changed. I probably would have never changed to the degree I am now if my wife wouldn't have left me or made a really good threat to. I told my friend the other night that I just wanted someone to love me. I told her that I loved my wife so much that I couldn't stand the thought of being without her forever. I told her that I loved being around her, talking to her, loving on her, kissing her belly. I loved everything about her and was absolutely in love with her. I wanted her more after 12 years than I did on our wedding night. I loved this woman and would do anything for her. But now when I look into the once warm and inviting beautiful green eyes of my wife I stare into the cold dark abyss. I would give anything for a sign just a glimmer of hope. I would give a limb for her to say hold off on that divorce and let's try one more time.

Ten Things I am thankful for:

1. My boys love their daddy.

2. I still have a job and get a little OT every now and again.

3. I have an awesome friend who calls me every morning and every night to check on me and refuses to let me beat myself up.

4. Jason Aldean's "Grown Woman" and "Do You Wish It Was Me".

5. Very few people at work know about my problem.

6. Those that do say nothing about it.

7. Eating out with friends, missed that and didn't even realize it.

8. Wii Rock band, Rock band Country, and Rock band Beetles.

9. Prozac, and Hydrocodine. :)

10. Bojangles's Pork Chop Biscuit. (with cheese)

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

Separation: Day 106

I was doing ok. Really I was. I was going along and singing my happy song and bobbing my head back and forth. I took my oldest out to eat (my youngest went all mommas boy on me) and had a good meal with him. We talked a little about what was going on and how he was doing and about his schooling. Then when I got home to drop him off his mother waved me down and wanted to talk. :( I couldn't help it. She started in on me about why I haven't signed the papers. Always with a calm and cool demeanor completely devoid of any emotion. I told her that I couldn't afford to pay the child support she requested and I was about to lose everything that I had worked for because she wanted something/someone else. She said I didn't come out here to argue with you just wondering what the hold up was. Things digressed from there and I eventually had a bait of it and told her to "get her shit and get the fuck out". She went on to say that as long as her name was on the deed that she could stay in the house. I reminded her that I could move back in anytime I wanted to but I left for the boys. I told her she needed to start looking for a place to live and she said she had been. I told her I knew that there was no shortage of vacancies. It was not good. I ended crying in front of her, lip quivering, big tear drop crying, and I hate myself for it. Again I let her beat me up with I was an awful husband. I sent my friend a text and told her what happened and she told me to STOP!! Not to let her do that. She was real worried and I was just real aloof for a while. Later I sent my wife a text and told her that I didn't want to talk to her anymore and if it couldn't be said in a text then I didn't need to know it. That is hard to say and do but I do so much better without talking to her.

Friday, October 2, 2009

Separation: Day 101

I hit the big 100 yesterday. One hundred days apart from my wife and family. One hundreds days not sleeping in my bed, eating at my table, and sitting in my "big blue chair". One hundred days without a kiss from my wife, sharing a bed with my wife, or anything with my wife. One hundred days of not being there for my boys when they get home, cooking supper for them, watching their favorite shows with them. For as much as I would like to be all doom and gloom to feed my depression it has not been. It has been 100 days of discovery. One hundred days of reinventing or finding my old self. It has been hard I won't lie, and there is still rough days ahead but there is some good to come out of all this. So in my weekly thankful list I am going to list the top ten things to come out of 100+ days apart:

1. See and do more with my boys.

2. See and do more with my family and friends.

3. More understanding of other peoples problems and my own.

4. Getting therapy to help get over the death of my parents and deal with issues.

5. Starting a blog and being introduced to a cornucopia of BBs.

6. Cleaned my truck out. I didn't know I had floor mats!!!!

7. A renewed friendship from long ago that is doing me a world of good.

8. Taking better care of myself.

9. Looking at my wife through a different light.

10. Finding Big John's Dawg House (awesome food).

So it has not all been for not. I wish that I could have discovered these things without my wife having to leave me but I am glad I have.