Thursday, July 30, 2009

Separation: Day 37

Yesterday I went to therapy and went out to eat with one of my friends. We went to Wild Wings Cafe in Marietta and they had some awesome wings. Plus it was all you can eat so you can't go wrong there. We talked about my situation and about how I should be handling different things. When I fixed my plate of wings and tater tots I snapped a picture and sent it to my sister-in-law and told her to show it to my oldest boy. I knew that it would make his mouth water because he loves wings as much as his dad. She sent me back a message and said that he wanted to know where his wings were and I told him that I would save him some. NOT!! I didn't talk to my wife today or text her because I am trying to give her all the space I can. I talked to her Monday because I had to pick up my oldest for football practice. He was a little slow about getting ready and I asked her if she wanted me to go and she said that was up to me. Which is better than her telling me to go. Football practice went pretty good but my boy didn't have any of his things together and it we were late getting there and they had moved the practice to another field and my son forgot to tell me and we had to book it to get to the other field. The other field is right next to my house so he could just about walk to practice from now on if he wasn't so young. The only bad thing about staying up all day was that I slept real late when I got home. Since my sister has her bed in the living room she can't watch TV or anything when I sleep late. I hate to put her out like that so I told her I wouldn't sleep late like that again. I held it together real good today except till the end right before I got up. I remembered one time before my wife and I got married how she ran and hugged me when she got back. I thought to myself I would probably never see that again. That made me so sad I cried for about twenty minutes. I still really miss her and wish I was back home.

Friday, July 24, 2009

Separation: Day 30

Yesterday was thirty days since my wife told me to leave. In those thirty days I have learned a few things about myself:
  1. I still can't put my own socks on
  2. I miss my wife very much and love her even more
  3. I didn't know that my boys loved me as much as they do and miss me
  4. My sister is a lot like my mom
  5. I can get around better than I thought I could
  6. Doing your own laundry sux
  7. My wife done a lot of little things for that I took for granite
  8. My wife done a lot that was under appreciated
  9. Trying to lose weight is a minute by minute struggle
  10. Therapy can be addictive

My oldest boy asked me the other day if I went to therapy and "poured out " my feelings and I said yes because that is what your mom asked me to do and I wanted to do it. He then turned around and asked me if I was a man. The therapist felt alarmed by this today and told me that I needed to tell my oldest that it was alright to express feelings and to vent. My oldest as of late has took every opportunity he can to give me hell about this situation. I know he loves me and worries about me but I worry about how this is effecting him. It was another therapy day and we talked the whole time about my problems now. My wife originally wanted me to get help about grieving for my parents death and weight issues with a side of depression. But since all this has went on the marriage problems have taken up the bulk of the conversation. We have talked about getting my weight issues under control and making sure that I stay healthy mentally and physically for my boys and my wife if she takes me back. It all has to boil down to me taking charge of my life and doing better for myself so I can have a better quality of life and hopefully maybe everything else will fall in place. Let's hope in the next thirty days I am back at home making an honest effort with my wife to reclaim our marriage and make it stronger than ever. I don't know what the future holds, but a feller can hope.

Monday, July 20, 2009

Separation: Day 27

The weekend came and went. I got to see my boys for a big part of the day Saturday and was hoping to get to see them Sunday. But my oldest boy's messy room beat me out of that. My wife and him spent the bigger part of the day cleaning his room getting it ready for company on his birthday. So I spent a portion of the day at an old friends house shooting the breeze and watching TV. I could have closed my eyes and sworn I was home with the way his boys fight and argue just like my boys. ;) My sister went to dinner after church and brought me home a plate but I wasn't able to eat anything because I had ate so much breakfast. Man but that breakfast I ate was good. I missed my boys today and my oldest is going to spend the night with me tomorrow so we'll get to spend some good quality time together. We threw the football around Saturday while my youngest run around and played action figures in the back of my truck. I don't know how things are going with my wife. Every time I send her a text about coming over and wanting to see her she says: "No Thanks". A very polite brush off I reckon. Soon it will be a month since she told me to leave and she is no where near ready letting me come back. :( I miss her so much. I just about cry every time I go to the bathroom there because I can smell her perfume. I loved the way she smelled. I miss looking into her eyes and I miss kissing her nose. Hell I miss everything.

Thursday, July 16, 2009

Separation: Day 23

There comes a point to where you have to ask yourself if you are just making an ass of yourself for staying and trying. Last night I got caught at the house when I meant to be gone when my wife got home. Those damn video games distracted me and my wife showed up before I got gone. She was visibly upset and when we were alone you could tell she was horrified that I was there for the third day in a row. So as I was walking out to the truck after getting a half-hug half shove I was wondering when do I turn from trying husband to a chump? I mean it was just a few days ago that she told me that nothing had changed and I knew that I would let a little witty banter between us go to my heart/head. There is a lot that is not being said by her and I can tell she is just busting at the seems to say something but she won't and I can't force her. As I was on my way to return some videos I was thinking that I had turned into the ass who could not take a hint. We have another therapy session Friday and I am pretty sure I am going to cancel it because there is no use letting that one session ruin my weekend. It will give her an hour to beat me up emotionally and I will feel drained from there on out. She on the other hand probably has some great plans and the results of Fridays bashing will not put a damper on her weekend. I still feel like I am in an episode of the Twilight Zone. All this came out of no where for me and I am having to play catch up. I always thought that if something happened in my marriage that I would see it from a mile away. This has snuck up from behind me and bit me on the arse. All I know is that I am at a loss of what to do next. I don't want the "D" word but I am pretty sure she is ready for it. Makes me wonder how much I did miss when I wasn't looking. I put a quote on quote daddy today that said, "The greatest pain is the pain you didn't know you had". All this time I had this pain coming and I didn't know it. I wish I had left that Pandora's box closed.

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

Separaion: Day 21

Today was a pretty good day. It was the first day of football camp for my oldest and I took him early while my wife and youngest ate supper. He had a pretty good practise. He ran hard, played hard, and threw the ball real good. My youngest ran out on the field to give him his camp t-shirt and got walloped on the head by a ball! He cried and only the soothing sight of "Brookie Cookie" could make him feel better. My youngest has a girlfriend for every sport. He didn't get that after his dad. I went to the house late to take a shower and my sister-in-law wanted to leave since I was there so I told her she could go and I'd watch the boys until my wife got home. When she got home we actually talked like a married couple. We didn't sling any mud (not that we ever did). I guess what I am saying is that I was able to keep my emotions in check and not go all cry baby on her. She looked real good today too. She has been in the sun a lot and the sun does her good. Anyway all went well tonight. I know better than to get my hopes up but it went well. My oldest is a lot more frank with me than he is with his mother. I don't think he talks about our situation with her but he does with me. He doesn't like it and it makes him sad. He asks me how come I just don't stay anyway against my wife's wishes. I told him that I am doing whats best for all of them. I also make sure to tell him that I love him and I can't return home until his mom says I can, and I make sure to tell him that might not happen. Even though at this point I can't believe I'm even thinking that. But I have to prepare myself for the worse case scenario. I believe my biggest problem is that I am still in shock. I didn't see this coming. I really and truly never seen it coming. I would have never thought that my wife would tell me that she didn't care about me anymore. I didn't think she would ever say those words about me. It makes me sad to think that she feels that way now. I could never not care about her. I have been able to cut some people off but never has it crossed my mind to feel that way about my wife. On the plus sided my sister has told me that several of my friends have told her to tell me that they love me and that it will "get easier", and to "hang in there". So that warms my heart some. All I know is pray that once again my wife will care for me.

Monday, July 13, 2009

Seraration: Day 20

The weekend sucked. I had to work 12 hour shifts all weekend so the only good thing about that is there will be a good paycheck come Thursday. Don't get me wrong I needed the time and the money but that took my time away from the boys. My oldest along with my sister went to see my brother. They are afraid that he will be deployed again soon and they want to see him all they can. I didn't get to see my oldest but about 30 minutes all weekend, and I got to see my other boy for a little bit today when I went to the house to take a shower. I watched him while my wife took a nap after a long day of swimming. I folded what must have been two loads of clothes and took a seat in the big blue chair and watched cartoons with my youngest while she slept. She hollered and told me to wake her before I left but she ended up getting up before I was ready to leave. I tried to confront her about our situation and she said she didn't want to talk about it. She also said she still didn't care and that she would tell the therapist the same thing that she has been telling her since week one. Which is basically that she thinks she is done and that there is no point in talking because she thinks she is done. So needless to say I ended up crying like a little girl and she looked at me like I was stupid. I started rattling off about cards she had given me that said she loved me and cared for me and told me how much I listened and made her laugh. She interrupted me and said that was before I didn't care. All I know is she must have stopped caring over night. She has said that is was like someone flipped a switch. All I know is I have been walking around in the dark looking for that same switch slapping at everything hoping to find it and haven't found it yet. I hope I find it soon.

Saturday, July 11, 2009

Separation: Day 18

Still not home. Not yet. I keep trying to think positive and not say I will never be home again. Not the way I was. But I won't let myself do it. I want to think that I will be home again. Look into my wife's beautiful green eyes and see the love in them again. I hope that happens. The days are getting longer. I go home get up around 3 and go to the house and take a shower and leave just before she gets there so she won't have to see me at all. Now she is not talking to me at all. She has just decided that we are not going to talk. If we text it has to be about the boys anything outside of the boys and she won't answer. I don't understand because she is the one that said that she didn't want me to flick a switch and just quit her. She kept telling me she didn't want it to be an all or nothing situation but she has turned it into one. It is an all nothing situation with her. I have branched out and started talking to other people who have had similar experience with their marriages and it has helped some. There is no one size fits all formula here. This is a feel as you go kinda of thing. I was looking today and found where TLC is going to be showing this show called "The 650-lb Virgin" and it looked a lot like my story minus the virgin part. I have been a recluse for a long time and my wife and boys lost time with me. I can't say suffered because of me because they still went and did things just without me. I am sure there was some resentment there but nothing really that was vocalized very loudly. I always proclaimed that I would get better and that the situation was temporary. But sometimes when I felt the world closing in on me I would see no hope and see my future as bleak. I am going to try and get my wife to record it for me so I can watch it when I am over there one day. Well day 18 is no better than day one. But life must go on. What there is of life without your kids and wife. I still love my wife and think of her every waking hour. I hope things work out.

Monday, July 6, 2009

Separation: Day 15

If you would have told me six months ago that I would be writing a blog about my marriage being in trouble I would have horse laughed you out the door. Well to my surprise you would have been right on the money. Everyday is an adventure. Everyday is pure hell and agony. I can't think about the future. I don't want to think about a future without my wife in it. I love my wife so much and how and why she would hurt me this much I'll never know. I have never felt hurt and emptiness like this before. Not to this degree. In just two months twelve years have come unraveled. How? We never argued, we never hurt each other physically. But some how something went wrong. I know for years I worked a lot of hours to provide for my family and I wasn't there but she always gave me cards thanking me for working so hard and being a good provider. She said that I wasn't always there for her emotionally but she gave me cards thanking me for always being there for her, listening to her, making her laugh. But now she says that she couldn't tell me the truth that she felt abandoned. If she felt abandoned then she should have told me and I would have worked on that. Priority one!! My weight was another issue. I am a big man and have been all my life. I am finally working on that and plan on losing the weight I need to have a life again. All this time I could not find the motivation to lose weight and now I have the motivation and she is leaving. Everyone keeps telling me I have to do it for myself. But if I do it to keep her am I not doing it for myself. Since she is my world. Besides I would be doing it for us, and by us I mean her and the boys. The boys would have a dad they have never seen before. It is like I said everyday is a journey and a new day. I just hope that I journey into familiar territory with my wife so I can feel her love once again.

Sunday, July 5, 2009

Separation: Day 13

I usually don't acknowledge the number 13 (long story) but today is day 13 of the separation. The holiday weekend actually went pretty good. When I got off Friday I went straight to our house and waited on them to get up so I could take a shower. Once I got out of the shower I talked to my wife and asked her if she would go to the movies with us. She said.....wait....wait.... YES!!!!! Surprised me to. But later she totally deflated the surprise by saying that she felt she must go because I could not care for the youngest by myself. We went to the movies and watched Transformers. If you like loud non-stop action movies then you can't beat Transformers. We all had a good time and afterwards we went to Game Stop and bought my Lil brother his birthday present. He is a Fourth of July baby. Later I watched the boys when we got back while she went to buy groceries. When she got back I could tell my time was up because she was super short and just anxious for me to go. She did give me a hug and mumbled she loved me. I will take anything right now as a sign of hope, however faint. Saturday my sister and I didn't have anything planned so I schlepped around the house and waited on time to meet my wife and the boys to watch fireworks. I know you are thinking that this is a lot of time to be spending with your wife if you are separated. Well we are not talking about quality time. I am sure she would tell you it was tolerate time. She could tolerate me for "x" amount of time. Sunday was a different story. She had the boys all day Friday and Saturday and I was hoping to get them all day Sunday. Well she had already made plans to go to her friends house and take the boys a long. The boys started out saying that they wanted to stay with me but I think when my wife went silent the boys took it they had hurt her feelings and they relented their position and ol' dad lost out. So Sunday instead of a fun filled day with the boys I got two hours before bed time. Thanks. Something on the plus side she did tell my oldest that things were getting better. I did ask him if she had metioned the "D" word and he said no. So again a small flicker of hope. He did ask how come he couldn't live with me and if there was some kind of law that said he had to live with his mom. I said no but it was best for him and he said he loved me and wanted to stay with me and so did my youngest. I told him I was still holding out for the best between his mom and I and that maybe one day I would be home. Then we would all be a family again.