Saturday, July 11, 2009
Separation: Day 18
Still not home. Not yet. I keep trying to think positive and not say I will never be home again. Not the way I was. But I won't let myself do it. I want to think that I will be home again. Look into my wife's beautiful green eyes and see the love in them again. I hope that happens. The days are getting longer. I go home get up around 3 and go to the house and take a shower and leave just before she gets there so she won't have to see me at all. Now she is not talking to me at all. She has just decided that we are not going to talk. If we text it has to be about the boys anything outside of the boys and she won't answer. I don't understand because she is the one that said that she didn't want me to flick a switch and just quit her. She kept telling me she didn't want it to be an all or nothing situation but she has turned it into one. It is an all nothing situation with her. I have branched out and started talking to other people who have had similar experience with their marriages and it has helped some. There is no one size fits all formula here. This is a feel as you go kinda of thing. I was looking today and found where TLC is going to be showing this show called "The 650-lb Virgin" and it looked a lot like my story minus the virgin part. I have been a recluse for a long time and my wife and boys lost time with me. I can't say suffered because of me because they still went and did things just without me. I am sure there was some resentment there but nothing really that was vocalized very loudly. I always proclaimed that I would get better and that the situation was temporary. But sometimes when I felt the world closing in on me I would see no hope and see my future as bleak. I am going to try and get my wife to record it for me so I can watch it when I am over there one day. Well day 18 is no better than day one. But life must go on. What there is of life without your kids and wife. I still love my wife and think of her every waking hour. I hope things work out.