Monday, August 31, 2009
Friday, August 28, 2009
- Micah was born on 8/27/09, he weighed 6lbs and was 21 inches long. I am his Uncle.
- I get to work this weekend.
- I made it through the first cut of layoffs at work this week.
- My wife made it to and from NY safely.
- Both my boys are doing good in school and are healthy.
- I have enough money in the bank to make my house payment.
- I have two boys that love me even if I'm not going to Taco Bell. :)
- I am alive and well.
- I have good blogger friends who inspire me and check up on me daily.
That would be about it. I hope everyone has a good weekend!!!!!
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
"I would like to beg you, as well as I can, to have patience with
everything unresolved in your heart and to try to love the questions themselves
as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. Don't
search for the answers, which could not be given to you now because you would
not be able to live them. And the point is to live everything. Live the
questions now. Perhaps,someday far in the future, you will gradually, without
even noticing it, live your way into the answer." ~Rainer Maria Rilke
It is true that there is much unresolved in my heart and up until now I haven't been very patient. It is true that I have been searching for the answers and not living the questions. I also hope that one day in the future I will live the answers. I do know that resolution is out there but for now the emotion of the pursuit of happiness seems unending and unreachable. But I do know that through patience I will be able to unlock the misery and translate the pain into happiness. Thanks for the quote it means so much.
Sunday, August 23, 2009
1. Favorite Summer Movie - Inglorious Bastards was real good. Transformers was good, along with Harry Potter.
2. Favorite Summer Cocktail - I don't drink that much so I would have to say Mike's Hard Lemons and Miller Lite. Did drink some Blue Sky's my wife mixed up they were good.
3. Favorite Summer Song - Since everything reminds me of my wife kicking me out like piled up trash...Daughtry-No Surprise, The Fray-Don't Let Me Go, Jason Aldean-Grown Woman, and Kelly Clarkson-Already Gone.
4. Favorite Summer Meal - Hot Wings!!!
5. Favorite Summer Outfit - T-shirt and joggers.
6. Favorite Summer Read - Odd Hours-Dean Koontz, Bleachers-John Grisham, The Associate-John Grisham.
7. Favorite Summer Moment - This past weekend with my kids! We had an awesome time. Also 5/25/09. Just for personal reasons.
Since I am new to this I won't tag any one. But if you feel compelled I would enjoy reading it!! Just let me know. ;)
Friday, August 21, 2009
- My two boys love their dad.
- I have not been sick in a while.
- I have a job.
- I have many friends who care for me.
- I am surrounded by family who love me.
- I have a place to live.
- The sunrise outside the office door every morning.
- My wife no matter what.
- My blogger friends who encourage me.
- I have the weekend off to spend with my boys!!
I am thankful for all that and more but that will do for this week. Next week I will try to do the same thing.
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
Love you forever + a day, + infinity + a day, + eternity + a day, + a
It was just May 19th, and my world was as I would have it be. My wife loved me, my boys loved me, and I was happy. Sure there were things that needed improving and things that I should have been working on but nothing that threw up flares. Nothing that said if you don't change your ways your headed for divorce. But apparently it was just lying under the surface. If I had only knew then what I know now. Today was a double edged sword. I miss her so much that I am willing to sit there knowing it is going to tare me up something awful. I was crying when she pulled up in the parking lot at practice. The thought of being without her the rest of my life still takes my breathe. It just kills me to think that I will never be able to hold her again. She leaves Friday for NY. I had already bought her ticket back in February. She is so excited about going and I am excited for her. She has never been and I really am happy she is getting the opportunity. But I am worried about her. I hate to think of her up there and something happening to her. That is a long ways to be from home to have something happen. I am going to miss her coming home to me and sharing her adventure and showing me all the pictures she took. My wife is an awesome photographer with a keen eye. She takes amazing photos and I am man enough to admit that sometimes I was jealous at how talented she really is. But I guess I won't get to see any of them or hear any of the details. I really do miss my wife. I miss looking into her beautiful green eyes. I love green eyes and she has them is spades. They are electric and piercing at the same time. They are loving and condemning at the same time. And when she is mad they flash with furious anger. It just................you know. I thought I would share something that I wrote a while back about having to live in my parents place again:
The walls they remember me.
They close in around me....smothering me.
I gasp for fresh air but I'm met with stale lucidity.
Pictures of mom and dad adorn the walls.
Warning: Reflections in the pictures may hurt more than they appear.
A red dot states that you are here.
Followed by a hecklers cackle devoid of cheer.
Well that should be enough for another cry on your shoulder session. I just wish she would come see me before she leaves.
Sunday, August 16, 2009
"You're not getting through your grief when the memory of your loved one STOPS
making you cry. You're getting through your grief when the memory of your loved
one STARTS making you smile again" :-)
That is very relevant in the death of my parents and my current situation. I can't smile yet. I don't see how I could ever smile about losing my wife. About having my wife just walk away while there was still so much to say. (Thanks Rascal Flats) I still love my wife very much and miss her more and more everyday. I have smiled a few times thinking about mom and dad. I used to walk around the house and cry looking at their pictures (it's been a while since I did that) and I have even called out for mom a couple of times. But I always done it while I was alone. Didn't want anyone to think I was going crazy. When you lose your parents you have lost your center, your bearings, your foundation. What makes this so hard with my wife is that it is she is like a ghost. I can see her and hear her but I can't touch her. She is like a specter. I can look into her eyes but I can not engage her. The other day while at football practice one of the mothers came up and spoke with me about family. When she was leaving she padded me on the shoulder and back. I had chills run through me. I had forgotten what it felt like to be touched by someone who cared. I almost lost it right there. The last time I felt that was on the fourth of July when my wife briefly rubbed my shoulder coming around me. Even then I could feel her love. I felt it in her touch. I'm sure she doesn't remember it but I do. I would give anything in this world that was my power to give to make things better with my wife. I have done everything she asked me to. I don't think it is too much to ask her to do the same. To look into her heart of hearts and reach down deep to find the courage and will to love me again. I have a dream one day that I will wake up and she will be sitting next to my bed holding my hand with tears in her eyes telling me to come home Shane I miss you. I have a hope that one day I will roll over to the cold side of the bed and feel her warmth once more. I have aspirations that one day I will be in the family photos again and not just in the background. I pray that my prayers will rise above the ceiling and not fall to the floor. Most of all I just hope against hope that my wife will come back.
Thursday, August 13, 2009
- My wife had/is having an emotional affair with another man.
- After all is said and done I would still take her back.
It just hit me the other day that she has never given me a straight answer on whether she loves him or not. Every time I asked her if she has told him that she loves him she keeps telling me that he has a girlfriend.Well, so flippin what, she has a husband and I didn't stop up any holes. What if he didn't have a girlfriend would she have told him by now. She doesn't have to tell him to have those feelings. She has them I can tell. She always said she could tell if I am lying and she could but I can tell she is not telling me the whole truth. If there was nothing to hide why erase all the text messages? Why? If I had seen them and they would have been idle chit chat I would have blew it off. I wouldn't have liked it but I would have blown it off. But when you know they are talking all hours of the night and then you check and the evidence has been erased then you naturally assume that it was something that wasn't good. So for the time being I can not even look her in the eye. I really don't want to be around her but I have to be because of the boys. She knows that she has wronged me but it has not affected her in the least. She is still talking to him everyday and probably hoping that he will leave his girl for her. Who knows? I just know that I have looked into her eyes and know there is more than she is telling me.
Sunday, August 9, 2009
Friday, August 7, 2009
- I could move back home while she was gone to NY and when she came back we could make an honest effort to try and stay together. I promised that I had changed enough that I wouldn't smother her and we could work on our marriage together. AKA My option.
- Things remain the same except that I would only pay the house payment and give her money for the boys. Still would continue working on the marriage. AKA Not my favorite but better than three.
- She would have to do what her intentions where from day one. AKA Nuclear Option.
She picked......THREE! She started out by asking if I was happy when we were together those last few days and I told her I was happier then than I was now. At least then I was able to see her and the boys, not just part time. She said no, I can't, I don't want to live with you. She said that I had to see that she was doing better and that she wasn't sick all the time. She also asked if I thought that it was going to go any different than the way it was going now. Honestly and truly I knew she was going to ask me for a divorce I just prayed to GOD that it wouldn't happen. I looked at mom and dad's picture before I left and asked them that if they had any pull up in Heaven to put in a good word for me. Nothing worked. She had given me a heart key chain with her name engraved on it a long time ago after I had given her a wooden heart I had found. I told her that she would always have my heart. And she will. But while we were talking I slipped the heart off of my key chain and handed it back to her and told her that I no longer had her heart so it wasn't mine to keep. Honestly the pain hasn't gotten any worse. Right now I am still numb. Soon it will hit me a tidal wave of fear, regret, remorse, denial, and longing for her love. I have to remain strong for my boys but....I have to mourn the loss this time or it will consume me. The sunrise that I look forward to every morning outside my office window was is black and white this morning devoid of color. The dawning of a new day was special before now it just signifies another day in A Life Apart.