Separation: Day 48

I am still going to do the sub-title as separation until the divorce is final. Just one last slither of hope that she will change her mind and tell me to come home. I know you want to know at this point what I am smoking but it is too hard to let go. I had the boys almost all weekend and we had a good time. I cooked hamburgers on the grill Saturday and my lit'l brother came over. He was up for the weekend from Ft. Benning. He is going to be deployed in October to Iraq. Sucks, big time, but it is what he signed up to do. The boys played action figures and their video games up until bed time and then we all went to bed. We got up early Sunday and met a buddy of mine for breakfast. The buffet was huge and my youngest eat like he was starved. Then we went to my buddies house and let our kids play together. They got a long like they had knew each other for years. In just a few minutes they were running around the house screaming and yelling. They played real good together and after lunch his wife took them to the water park. My youngest kept going under and telling his wife how good a time he was having and how much he loved it. It made me feel good that I could take the boys somewhere and they were able to get their mind off of things and have a good day. Me on the other hand woke up crying this morning and I quickly dried it up when my oldest asked what was wrong. It's hard to deal with this. I asked her the other day if she felt like she had wasted her life up until now. There was a long pause and she said she had not regrets but that was just for my benefit. I don't know what to believe. I just know that I don't ever want her to feel the pain that I have felt, I don't ever want her to be done the way she is doing me now. I have had one bad breakup in my life and I am trying to steer clear of all that and it is hard to do. I still love her so much that it literally takes my breath away to think it is over for good. It is like someone has knocked the air out of me and I am gasping for breath. My heart sinks into my stomach just thinking of her kissing another person. All I know is my boys is all I got now, and they are enough. I love them and miss them and wish their mom the best that life has to offer. I just hope whatever caused her to throw me away is worth it.