Separation: Day 55

It was a pretty good weekend because I had to work all weekend and that helps keep me sane. The work keeps me busy so I don't think about my situation as much. NOT!! There is nothing that takes my mind off of this but working does help. I have always drowned my sorrows in work. Some people drink, some people eat, some people smoke, I work. I work a lot. After dad died I worked a lot of 100+ hour weeks. At the time I didn't know that was why I was doing it but I was. I wasn't trying to avoid or abandon my wife and kids I was dealing with my dads death the only way I knew how. That has been my life story. I got a job to get out of the house. I had rather work than to stay at home(mom and dads). I loved school for that reason. Mom and Dad weren't very involved parents. Sure they cared for me and provided for me but anything beyond that it was up to me to find. I think that is why I loved my grandmother so much. She loved me no matter what I did and who I became. My parents loved me they just weren't that supportive. I am not trying to get sympathy here just stating a fact. That was a hard revolution to say out loud. If anything good has come out of this it is I know that work is not a way to deal with things and I need to enjoy life more. Be more involved in the lives of others. I had started doing that before with my wife's grandparents. I really loved them both and made an extra effort to see them before they went back home. They really accepted and loved me despite my faults and shortcomings. I guess that part of my life is over now also. I came upon something someone else had wrote about the passing of their dad and it really struck a cord with me:

"You're not getting through your grief when the memory of your loved one STOPS
making you cry. You're getting through your grief when the memory of your loved
one STARTS making you smile again" :-)

That is very relevant in the death of my parents and my current situation. I can't smile yet. I don't see how I could ever smile about losing my wife. About having my wife just walk away while there was still so much to say. (Thanks Rascal Flats) I still love my wife very much and miss her more and more everyday. I have smiled a few times thinking about mom and dad. I used to walk around the house and cry looking at their pictures (it's been a while since I did that) and I have even called out for mom a couple of times. But I always done it while I was alone. Didn't want anyone to think I was going crazy. When you lose your parents you have lost your center, your bearings, your foundation. What makes this so hard with my wife is that it is she is like a ghost. I can see her and hear her but I can't touch her. She is like a specter. I can look into her eyes but I can not engage her. The other day while at football practice one of the mothers came up and spoke with me about family. When she was leaving she padded me on the shoulder and back. I had chills run through me. I had forgotten what it felt like to be touched by someone who cared. I almost lost it right there. The last time I felt that was on the fourth of July when my wife briefly rubbed my shoulder coming around me. Even then I could feel her love. I felt it in her touch. I'm sure she doesn't remember it but I do. I would give anything in this world that was my power to give to make things better with my wife. I have done everything she asked me to. I don't think it is too much to ask her to do the same. To look into her heart of hearts and reach down deep to find the courage and will to love me again. I have a dream one day that I will wake up and she will be sitting next to my bed holding my hand with tears in her eyes telling me to come home Shane I miss you. I have a hope that one day I will roll over to the cold side of the bed and feel her warmth once more. I have aspirations that one day I will be in the family photos again and not just in the background. I pray that my prayers will rise above the ceiling and not fall to the floor. Most of all I just hope against hope that my wife will come back.