Tuesday, August 18, 2009

Separation: Day 57

Today was a hard day. I slept pretty good (thanks Prozac) but didn't feel refreshed when I woke up. I waited to the last minute to go take a shower and decided I wasn't going to leave this time. I just set in the "big blue chair" and waited on my boy to get done eating so I could take him to practice. My wife and I talked back and forth some. Just idle chit chat nothing imperative. I love talking to her, we used to talk for hours on end and never run out of things to say. That is why now the silence is so painful. I just keep thinking to myself it was just a mere 68 days ago (there was a time when she could stand me in the same house) that my wife loved me and wanted to spend the rest of her life with me. We always signed each others cards with:

Love you forever + a day, + infinity + a day, + eternity + a day, + a

It was just May 19th, and my world was as I would have it be. My wife loved me, my boys loved me, and I was happy. Sure there were things that needed improving and things that I should have been working on but nothing that threw up flares. Nothing that said if you don't change your ways your headed for divorce. But apparently it was just lying under the surface. If I had only knew then what I know now. Today was a double edged sword. I miss her so much that I am willing to sit there knowing it is going to tare me up something awful. I was crying when she pulled up in the parking lot at practice. The thought of being without her the rest of my life still takes my breathe. It just kills me to think that I will never be able to hold her again. She leaves Friday for NY. I had already bought her ticket back in February. She is so excited about going and I am excited for her. She has never been and I really am happy she is getting the opportunity. But I am worried about her. I hate to think of her up there and something happening to her. That is a long ways to be from home to have something happen. I am going to miss her coming home to me and sharing her adventure and showing me all the pictures she took. My wife is an awesome photographer with a keen eye. She takes amazing photos and I am man enough to admit that sometimes I was jealous at how talented she really is. But I guess I won't get to see any of them or hear any of the details. I really do miss my wife. I miss looking into her beautiful green eyes. I love green eyes and she has them is spades. They are electric and piercing at the same time. They are loving and condemning at the same time. And when she is mad they flash with furious anger. It just................you know. I thought I would share something that I wrote a while back about having to live in my parents place again:

The walls they remember me.

They close in around me....smothering me.

I gasp for fresh air but I'm met with stale lucidity.

Pictures of mom and dad adorn the walls.

Warning: Reflections in the pictures may hurt more than they appear.

A red dot states that you are here.

Followed by a hecklers cackle devoid of cheer.

Well that should be enough for another cry on your shoulder session. I just wish she would come see me before she leaves.

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