Separation: Day 63

Yesterday as I entered the house I remembered how sometimes I would stand behind the door and surprise my wife when she would come home on break. I would grab her when she came in and give her a big hug and kiss. As I made my way to the kitchen I remembered all the meals and get togethers we hosted and how happy we were working in the kitchen. I also thought back to how excited I would get when I got up early and had supper or her lunch fixed so I could spend just a little bit more time with her. All the cheese eggs that I had fixed for my oldest who loved and looked forward to them anytime he stayed with me. As I sit in the "big blue chair" I thought back to the nights that I would sit with her helping her name her pictures on Flickr before going into work. Also I chuckled at the many times that I called her Flickr Queen. As I made my way down the hall I remembered seeing her in her white cotton gown throwing clothes into the dryer to "iron" themselves. I remembered back to the times she helped the boys clean their rooms or they watched her clean. After getting a shower I sit at the foot of the bed on the bench she had bought me for my birthday and remembered all the hugs and kisses I had gotten before she went to bed. All the many times I had watched her fix her hair in the bathroom mirror and the disgusted looks she would make because it wouldn't curl the right way or that it curled period. But I also remembered the night she said she thought she was done. She said a lot of things that night that hurt me deeply. Things she had been wanting to say but wouldn't. I remembered she followed me down the hall and out on the front porch telling me that she was sure that she was done and told me to be careful going to work because I was so torn up. I remember how I thought it would last forever. A friend and fellow blogger sent me a quote that she thought was appropriate:

"I would like to beg you, as well as I can, to have patience with
everything unresolved in your heart and to try to love the questions themselves
as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. Don't
search for the answers, which could not be given to you now because you would
not be able to live them. And the point is to live everything. Live the
questions now. Perhaps,someday far in the future, you will gradually, without
even noticing it, live your way into the answer." ~Rainer Maria Rilke

It is true that there is much unresolved in my heart and up until now I haven't been very patient. It is true that I have been searching for the answers and not living the questions. I also hope that one day in the future I will live the answers. I do know that resolution is out there but for now the emotion of the pursuit of happiness seems unending and unreachable. But I do know that through patience I will be able to unlock the misery and translate the pain into happiness. Thanks for the quote it means so much.