Separation: Day 45

Well I will have to soon change the subtitle to divorce. :( The title will remain the same but it will be forever A Life Apart. Yesterday we met at a mexican restaraunt, the first place we went as a family to eat after we started having problems ironically is the last place that we ate as husband and wife. I can only write this now while sucking back tears. The first half of the dinner was good we talked and talked but there was an obvious cloud over the conversation. She already knew what she was there to do but I ever the optimist hoped that I could snatch victory out of the jaws of defeat. I started out by telling her that I felt that there were three options:

1. I could move back home while she was gone to NY and when she came back we could make an honest effort to try and stay together. I promised that I had changed enough that I wouldn't smother her and we could work on our marriage together. AKA My option.
2. Things remain the same except that I would only pay the house payment and give her money for the boys. Still would continue working on the marriage. AKA Not my favorite but better than three.
3. She would have to do what her intentions where from day one. AKA Nuclear Option.

She picked......THREE! She started out by asking if I was happy when we were together those last few days and I told her I was happier then than I was now. At least then I was able to see her and the boys, not just part time. She said no, I can't, I don't want to live with you. She said that I had to see that she was doing better and that she wasn't sick all the time. She also asked if I thought that it was going to go any different than the way it was going now. Honestly and truly I knew she was going to ask me for a divorce I just prayed to GOD that it wouldn't happen. I looked at mom and dad's picture before I left and asked them that if they had any pull up in Heaven to put in a good word for me. Nothing worked. She had given me a heart key chain with her name engraved on it a long time ago after I had given her a wooden heart I had found. I told her that she would always have my heart. And she will. But while we were talking I slipped the heart off of my key chain and handed it back to her and told her that I no longer had her heart so it wasn't mine to keep. Honestly the pain hasn't gotten any worse. Right now I am still numb. Soon it will hit me a tidal wave of fear, regret, remorse, denial, and longing for her love. I have to remain strong for my boys but....I have to mourn the loss this time or it will consume me. The sunrise that I look forward to every morning outside my office window was is black and white this morning devoid of color. The dawning of a new day was special before now it just signifies another day in A Life Apart.