Wednesday, September 30, 2009
I have read the attached letter over and over. It was two days before I could read it myself. I felt so sick at my stomach and would start to have a panic attack. I finally broke down and read it the other day and cried for so long and so hard that I couldn’t cry anymore. I know you don’t care. I see now that you moved on from me a long time ago. The mourning period for me is long passed (if there ever was one). It is a shame that you gave me up for nothing. The fact that my love meant so little to you that you would give it up for the chance of love real or imagined. I am sure that **** is not as innocent in all this as *** says he is. I am sure that he did lead you on. I am sure there is/was a connection between you two. Not as imagined as *** would like to think. He has played you both. What hurts me the most is that you lied to me from day one. You already loved him on 5/20/09 you loved him on 6/23/09, and you sure as hell loved him on 9/22/09. All of these times I asked you if you loved him and you said no. You lied each and every time. Instead of owning this you turned it around on me. I am sure you didn’t know what to think when you read my blog that said you were having an emotional affair. You couldn’t lie to me ****. For as much as you claim I don’t know you and I never listened to you I was dead on. I knew when **** had cut you off. I could see you were distant, your skin was broke out, and you had two periods real close together. All this from someone who never listened to you, who and abandoned you. Please. You may have shared you heart and soul with **** but I still know you better than anyone. You looked at me **** and lied to my face. Your lips said no but your eyes said yes. "Your green eyes always give you away". I reckon **** wasn’t the only one you communicated with through Flickr and JPG. You knew that blaming me for all this would drive me over the edge. Just like in your case the boys are the only things that kept me here. If not for them I would have left this world a long time ago. You knew that blaming me would kill me and yet you hide behind the truth. If the love was as strong as you said it was then you should have been shouting if from the mountain. I know you are lost right now. I know you don’t know which direction to go. I know the pull of **** is still strong. I know you are willing to wait him and *** out. Maybe he told you he would leave her, I don’t know. What I do know **** is that I love you with all my heart. Even now I ache for you and long for your touch but you have betrayed me and lied to me. I would do anything in the world to help you. To guide you in any direction you want to go in. I know that direction is not towards me. But I do love you ****. You know I do. I don’t have to tell you. As far as a divorce goes I’ll work on it, maybe. Maybe not. I don’t know. There is nothing holding you here. I love and will take care of our boys. Follow your heart and do what makes you happy. You can always see them on the weekends. (That’s nothing less than you done to me, you sacrificed my relationship with my boys for this) I’m sure you and **** can be happy. As for me, I will never be the same without you. There is always a place for you in my heart and my home.
Right now I am lost, and don't where to go. Her pull is undeniable and I still would take her back. Please someone help
Saturday, September 26, 2009
- My youngest won his soccer game. He also scored like 4 goals!!
- My youngest told me that papa said he could be the greatest. I said your papa and he said no someone else's!!
- All my BBs that check on me and comment and give me encouragement.
- I got overtime this week.
- A renewed friendship from long ago.
- I talked to my father-in-law and he told me to do what I had to do he understood.
- A good meal shared with my family.
- Mountain Video
- My lit'l sister putting up with her older brother.
I hope everyone is having a good weekend and staying dry.
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
Sunday, September 20, 2009
The day started out late. After working my sixteen hour shift I went and picked up my boys from after school. I took them to the local bakery and got them, my wife, and her friend a snack and dropped it off along with my child support for the week. I had to get me in a little rest before taking them out to eat because I was just dead dog tired. We went to eat at Big John's Dawg House (it's coming quite the hangout for me) and had a really good meal. The whole time my youngest was talking to the kid at the next table. He had a robot dinosaur and my boy had a toy policeman. Of course they had to have a shoot out. I took the boys back home and dropped them off because my oldest had to get up early to go to the football game. I passed out on the bed when I got home like someone had drugged me (really two vicodin and a prozac). I was out from 9pm-9am. I was late getting to the house to get a shower so my buddy and I were late leaving. My wife knew a shortcut while my buddy knew the way the buses went (aka not a shortcut). It took us over two hours of curvy, hilly roads to get there. It rained the whole flipping time and my CD player wouldn't play his "road music". But we had some great conversation and done a lot of catching up. We stopped at a Wendy's for a pee break and when I came back out to the truck my buddy said your alarm went off while you were inside. I said funny because I don't have an alarm system. He said the horn was blowing while you were inside. WTF!! I told him no it wasn't and when we started out into the road it blasted like a siren. My buddy said this ride just got a little more interesting. We finally got to the school and I parked just as close as I could and walked out to watch the game. The boys were already into the first quarter and they were losing by a little. My youngest came running and give me a huge hug and my wife looked at me like I thought he wouldn't come. Ha!! Told you damn it I am a changed man. Then it started to sprinkle. No big deal. Then it started to pour. Oh Hell!! Then the bottom fell out. There I was with no umbrella. My youngest came and offered me a towel from his mom and I told him no thank you. Men don't need umbrellas men just stand there and get wet, and wet I got. I was ringing the water from my shirts. Every time I took a step you could hear a definite squish squashy, squish squashy!!! I looked like the redneck from hell who had entered a wet t-shirt contest and lost. I was soaked to the core. I hung around by my wife's truck because I wanted my son to know that I was there and watched the game in the pouring ass rain because that is the kind of dad I am. He lost the game but he played hard and I got out to help him take off his shoulder pads and got soaked again. Small price to pay for my sons love. While all this was going on my friend (so called) had been sitting in the truck because he didn't want to get wet. We have a mutual friend who has been having marital problems for like two years and she wanted to meet up with my buddy. He told her that he had plans but that I was available and that we could meet and talk. He told me that we would probably end up just talking about her problems the whole night and I told him fine I was getting tired talking about mine. I had to rush home and change out of my sponge and meet her at Longhorns. I got to Longhorns and she text and said I'm inside. I went inside and I text her back and said which location are you at this Longhorns or the one further north. She was out front alright. Out front at Outback Steakhouse. No biggie there just up the street from each other so we finally met up and had an awesome meal. We talked non-stop for four hours about each others problems. You could almost reverse the roles of our marriages and they would be carbon copies. Her husband has the same attitude as my wife and my friend and I are hoping against hope they will come back. It felt good to get a fresh perspective and a relief to be listening to someone else's problems for once. It came time to pay and she wouldn't even let me pay. It was kind of awkward and I told her I felt bad and she said you can get it next time. So....I left the tip anyway. If I hadn't had to come to work I believe we could have talked all night. It was good for the soul and I enjoyed it. I was glad my friend had plans.
Friday, September 18, 2009
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
Monday, September 14, 2009
Friday, September 11, 2009
- I still have a job.
- I have good health.
- I have good friends who care for me and check up on me.
- All the advice I get from my bloggerfamilia.
- My boys throwing up gang signs yesterday in the truck while listening to 95.5 The Beat!
- My boys are in good health and good spirits.
- I got to spend some time with Grandma P. Monday.
- I have next months house payment already. (Please no jinx)
- Big John's Dawg House (damn good burger,fries,wings, hell everything)
- My wife gave me a half hug.
I hope that everyone has a good weekend and everything goes their way!!! Be safe and be careful!!
Thursday, September 10, 2009
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
Thursday, September 3, 2009
Today was therapy day. I always stop and pick up my sister a Chik-Filet chicken biscuit. When you live with someone rent free you kinda do them any favor they want. So that is my routine every Thursday, therapy then Chik-Filet. I would be going broke if I was still at home because I know that I would buy my wife lunch every Thursday. But....Anyway therapy went good and we touched on somethings other than the marriage. He always wants to know how I am doing and how the boys are doing. He told me today that I should realize now that there is no way to save my marriage. I don't believe that, I didn't feel like arguing but I don't believe that. In some sick way I still hold out hope. I still expect to see her come through the door at my sisters place and tell me to come home. I know I must be high on pain killers and Prozac but hey its my dream. I didn't get much sleep today because my brother and his father-in-law came and cut the grass about 1pm after I got in bed about 11am. WTH!!!!! But the yard looked real good and there is nothing better than the smell of fresh cut grass. I am going to go watch "Gamer" tomorrow night with my brother and my oldest boy. I think he will probably spend the night with me and then I'll take him to the football game Saturday. I am going to post some pictures of the boys later so people can put faces with oldest and youngest boys. I get to work twelve hours Sunday so I will get a pretty decent check next week too. I need it, the house payment comes every month!! So now it is time to list everything that I am thankful for, so.......
- I have a job.
- My boy won his football game last week.
- I got to spend sometime with my boys this week.
- I have been doing better getting out and walking more.
- I actually went shopping for a birthday present (my wife wrapped it).
- I hear from friends and family every week to hang in there.
- I was able to help a friend in need.
- I think I sold my old truck.
- All my friends (bloggers included) and family for helping me out.
- No one at work knows that I am having marital problems.
- A hug I got last night.
- I got a jar of home canned jalapenos. (AKA around here as Jay lap a knows) ;)
Hope everyone has a kick ass weekend!!
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
"And you, my father, there on the sad height,Curse, bless, me now with your
fierce tears, I pray. Do not go gentle into that good night. Rage, rage against
the dying of the light. " Dylan Thomas
This came to me tonight as I was sitting here wallowing in self-pity. I had something strange happen tonight when I got to work. I had had a bad day and my wife talked to me about the divorce tonight and I was feeling real down and beat up. Then the phone rang at work and it was an old driver that used to come in everyday. He and I would talk about what we were reading and if we had heard of anything good to read. He was a preacher and was taking classes to become a pastor. He called out of the blue (and late to boot since I work third shift) and told me he had been thinking about me and wanted to know how I was and how everything was going at work. He had a stroke recently and had started on disability. He said he was fine and that he was getting to read a lot. Then he told me that he loved me and that he would come up here and see all of us some time. The fact that an old friend had called me up and told me that they were thinking of me and that they loved me took me back some. The other day at the party all the parents came and gave me a hug and told me that they were glad to see me and that I had well behaved and good looking boys. My grandmother always told me that I had an old soul. She said I felt more deeply than anyone she knew. My oldest is the same way. What I don't understand is I am trying so hard to be a better man but I have this huge black hole sucking the life from me. I love my wife with all my heart and why she is hell bent on shredding my soul I have no clue. I don't know how someone could share their life with another person and then just walk away like nothing ever happened. I am a good man I know this. I try hard to help people and be good to other people, always have. I don't understand why I have to go through this. All I want to do is hold my wife again. Hold her in my arms and never let her go. I want to whisper in her ear that I love her as long as I have life. The pain of the emptiness is unrelenting and it echos through the chambers of my heart.