Tuesday, September 1, 2009

Separation: Day 70

"And you, my father, there on the sad height,Curse, bless, me now with your
fierce tears, I pray. Do not go gentle into that good night. Rage, rage against
the dying of the light. " Dylan Thomas

This came to me tonight as I was sitting here wallowing in self-pity. I had something strange happen tonight when I got to work. I had had a bad day and my wife talked to me about the divorce tonight and I was feeling real down and beat up. Then the phone rang at work and it was an old driver that used to come in everyday. He and I would talk about what we were reading and if we had heard of anything good to read. He was a preacher and was taking classes to become a pastor. He called out of the blue (and late to boot since I work third shift) and told me he had been thinking about me and wanted to know how I was and how everything was going at work. He had a stroke recently and had started on disability. He said he was fine and that he was getting to read a lot. Then he told me that he loved me and that he would come up here and see all of us some time. The fact that an old friend had called me up and told me that they were thinking of me and that they loved me took me back some. The other day at the party all the parents came and gave me a hug and told me that they were glad to see me and that I had well behaved and good looking boys. My grandmother always told me that I had an old soul. She said I felt more deeply than anyone she knew. My oldest is the same way. What I don't understand is I am trying so hard to be a better man but I have this huge black hole sucking the life from me. I love my wife with all my heart and why she is hell bent on shredding my soul I have no clue. I don't know how someone could share their life with another person and then just walk away like nothing ever happened. I am a good man I know this. I try hard to help people and be good to other people, always have. I don't understand why I have to go through this. All I want to do is hold my wife again. Hold her in my arms and never let her go. I want to whisper in her ear that I love her as long as I have life. The pain of the emptiness is unrelenting and it echos through the chambers of my heart.


  1. We will probably never know why some things happen to us, or why God made us go through sich challenges, but there is ALWAYS HOPE, ALWAYS A NEW DAY, ALWAYS LEARNiNG, ALWAYS FORGiVENESS, ALWAYS YOURSELF & how you carry yourself FORWARD in times of adversity & making the most of the short life we are given! Sometimes it's one day at a time & sometimes it's one hour at a time. Although my divorce was amicable, we still both love & care for each other very much...sadly just weren't meant to be married.

    Ever read "The Last Lecture" by deceased professor Randy Pausch?? It's an easy read & SO iNSPiRiNG! Here's the link to my post about it:

    Hang in there... :)

  2. thank you about your post about balogna (sp?) lol it mad me smile in a day when it was hard too. I hope you know that your not alone, god is with you, and it may feel like it wont ever turn out right, just have faiuth that someday it will. and that you have helped a person you dont know share a laugh, and that means something, as you do in gods eyes.

    I hope you hae a better night.

  3. It's pretty awesome when people come out of nowhere with love:) I'm glad you felt that. Actually, I'm really glad you're noticing the good things in life as well as your pain. That makes me happy.

  4. Oh and you're an old soul. You wouldn't be searching for anything other than what's in front of you if you weren't.