Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Separation: Day 99

I had a development the other day. I found out that all this time I was right that there was another man. The guys current girlfriend sent me an email of the last letter my wife wrote him confessing her dying love for him and said she would never give up on him. Keep in mind that she has never met him and only talked through Twitter, email, text, and IM. This has been going on since the end of 08. We seperated on 6/23/09. This was my response:

****,

I have read the attached letter over and over. It was two days before I could read it myself. I felt so sick at my stomach and would start to have a panic attack. I finally broke down and read it the other day and cried for so long and so hard that I couldn’t cry anymore. I know you don’t care. I see now that you moved on from me a long time ago. The mourning period for me is long passed (if there ever was one). It is a shame that you gave me up for nothing. The fact that my love meant so little to you that you would give it up for the chance of love real or imagined. I am sure that **** is not as innocent in all this as *** says he is. I am sure that he did lead you on. I am sure there is/was a connection between you two. Not as imagined as *** would like to think. He has played you both. What hurts me the most is that you lied to me from day one. You already loved him on 5/20/09 you loved him on 6/23/09, and you sure as hell loved him on 9/22/09. All of these times I asked you if you loved him and you said no. You lied each and every time. Instead of owning this you turned it around on me. I am sure you didn’t know what to think when you read my blog that said you were having an emotional affair. You couldn’t lie to me ****. For as much as you claim I don’t know you and I never listened to you I was dead on. I knew when **** had cut you off. I could see you were distant, your skin was broke out, and you had two periods real close together. All this from someone who never listened to you, who and abandoned you. Please. You may have shared you heart and soul with **** but I still know you better than anyone. You looked at me **** and lied to my face. Your lips said no but your eyes said yes. "Your green eyes always give you away". I reckon **** wasn’t the only one you communicated with through Flickr and JPG. You knew that blaming me for all this would drive me over the edge. Just like in your case the boys are the only things that kept me here. If not for them I would have left this world a long time ago. You knew that blaming me would kill me and yet you hide behind the truth. If the love was as strong as you said it was then you should have been shouting if from the mountain. I know you are lost right now. I know you don’t know which direction to go. I know the pull of **** is still strong. I know you are willing to wait him and *** out. Maybe he told you he would leave her, I don’t know. What I do know **** is that I love you with all my heart. Even now I ache for you and long for your touch but you have betrayed me and lied to me. I would do anything in the world to help you. To guide you in any direction you want to go in. I know that direction is not towards me. But I do love you ****. You know I do. I don’t have to tell you. As far as a divorce goes I’ll work on it, maybe. Maybe not. I don’t know. There is nothing holding you here. I love and will take care of our boys. Follow your heart and do what makes you happy. You can always see them on the weekends. (That’s nothing less than you done to me, you sacrificed my relationship with my boys for this) I’m sure you and **** can be happy. As for me, I will never be the same without you. There is always a place for you in my heart and my home.

Right now I am lost, and don't where to go. Her pull is undeniable and I still would take her back. Please someone help

4 comments:

  1. That ABSOLUTELY sucks! I am so sorry to hear that!!!!!!! You need to focus on you and your boys. And focus on getting yourself to a healthy place. Hang in there!!!

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  2. That's really hard. I went through a divorce about 5 years ago, so I can feel your pain. Hope you have supportive friends around you.
    I finally decided I was done being angry all the time and that has allowed me to let go and move on. It takes a long time, though.
    Good luck to you!

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  3. I'm speechless. :( I'm SO SORRY & praying for you tonight. Betrayal in ANY form hearts like HELL & you have every right to feel angry, frustrated, confused, sad, & hurt. Please know, this is NOT YOUR fault. You are taking the high road & continue to do that! Those boys need you & YOU need you...

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  4. I went through the same thing with my daughter's mother. I was betrayed and cheated on as well. I found her emails, detailing their encounters, revealing photos she took of herself, and a 400 dollar long distance bill of phone calls to the guy. I went through a breakdown as well. It's hard. We were together 12 years. But after a year of dating, I met the woman I am with now, who I love more than anything. In January 2010, we will have been together 3 years, and we are expecting a baby. I moved away, from my ex. My daughter lives with her mother, 140 miles away from me. I pick my daughter up every two weeks. It's damn hard, but I make it work. Concentrate on healing yourself, being a good father to your boys. Betrayal sucks and it hurts like nothing else. It's hard to cut your losses, but you can't force someone to be with you. And pining after someone who won't be with you is not healthy for yourself. I'd advise talking to your family doctor about depression, and check out to see if there are any support groups in your area. You can make it through this, you are not the only one that has had this happen to them. Stay strong.

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