Separation: Day 99

I had a development the other day. I found out that all this time I was right that there was another man. The guys current girlfriend sent me an email of the last letter my wife wrote him confessing her dying love for him and said she would never give up on him. Keep in mind that she has never met him and only talked through Twitter, email, text, and IM. This has been going on since the end of 08. We seperated on 6/23/09. This was my response:

****,

I have read the attached letter over and over. It was two days before I could read it myself. I felt so sick at my stomach and would start to have a panic attack. I finally broke down and read it the other day and cried for so long and so hard that I couldn’t cry anymore. I know you don’t care. I see now that you moved on from me a long time ago. The mourning period for me is long passed (if there ever was one). It is a shame that you gave me up for nothing. The fact that my love meant so little to you that you would give it up for the chance of love real or imagined. I am sure that **** is not as innocent in all this as *** says he is. I am sure that he did lead you on. I am sure there is/was a connection between you two. Not as imagined as *** would like to think. He has played you both. What hurts me the most is that you lied to me from day one. You already loved him on 5/20/09 you loved him on 6/23/09, and you sure as hell loved him on 9/22/09. All of these times I asked you if you loved him and you said no. You lied each and every time. Instead of owning this you turned it around on me. I am sure you didn’t know what to think when you read my blog that said you were having an emotional affair. You couldn’t lie to me ****. For as much as you claim I don’t know you and I never listened to you I was dead on. I knew when **** had cut you off. I could see you were distant, your skin was broke out, and you had two periods real close together. All this from someone who never listened to you, who and abandoned you. Please. You may have shared you heart and soul with **** but I still know you better than anyone. You looked at me **** and lied to my face. Your lips said no but your eyes said yes. "Your green eyes always give you away". I reckon **** wasn’t the only one you communicated with through Flickr and JPG. You knew that blaming me for all this would drive me over the edge. Just like in your case the boys are the only things that kept me here. If not for them I would have left this world a long time ago. You knew that blaming me would kill me and yet you hide behind the truth. If the love was as strong as you said it was then you should have been shouting if from the mountain. I know you are lost right now. I know you don’t know which direction to go. I know the pull of **** is still strong. I know you are willing to wait him and *** out. Maybe he told you he would leave her, I don’t know. What I do know **** is that I love you with all my heart. Even now I ache for you and long for your touch but you have betrayed me and lied to me. I would do anything in the world to help you. To guide you in any direction you want to go in. I know that direction is not towards me. But I do love you ****. You know I do. I don’t have to tell you. As far as a divorce goes I’ll work on it, maybe. Maybe not. I don’t know. There is nothing holding you here. I love and will take care of our boys. Follow your heart and do what makes you happy. You can always see them on the weekends. (That’s nothing less than you done to me, you sacrificed my relationship with my boys for this) I’m sure you and **** can be happy. As for me, I will never be the same without you. There is always a place for you in my heart and my home.

Right now I am lost, and don't where to go. Her pull is undeniable and I still would take her back. Please someone help

Separation: Day 51

Today is therapy day. I have to go and talk about the problems I am having and how they are effecting my everyday life and how I am coping. Well to be honest if I were an airplane I would be in a dead stall right now. I don't know what to do. Everything I do seems like it is wrong. If I do something right I think it is wrong, and if I do something that is wrong I think I have really messed up. You have seen the movies where the pilot is barreling towards the earth and they are screaming pull up, pull up!!! Well that is me right now, except I can not hear the warnings, all I see is the earth barreling towards me at warp speed and I am in a daze. I think the biggest thing is that the shock has worn off and I am able to see daylight in this separation. I have come to realize some very important things.

1. My wife had/is having an emotional affair with another man.
2. After all is said and done I would still take her back.

It just hit me the other day that she has never given me a straight answer on whether she loves him or not. Every time I asked her if she has told him that she loves him she keeps telling me that he has a girlfriend.Well, so flippin what, she has a husband and I didn't stop up any holes. What if he didn't have a girlfriend would she have told him by now. She doesn't have to tell him to have those feelings. She has them I can tell. She always said she could tell if I am lying and she could but I can tell she is not telling me the whole truth. If there was nothing to hide why erase all the text messages? Why? If I had seen them and they would have been idle chit chat I would have blew it off. I wouldn't have liked it but I would have blown it off. But when you know they are talking all hours of the night and then you check and the evidence has been erased then you naturally assume that it was something that wasn't good. So for the time being I can not even look her in the eye. I really don't want to be around her but I have to be because of the boys. She knows that she has wronged me but it has not affected her in the least. She is still talking to him everyday and probably hoping that he will leave his girl for her. Who knows? I just know that I have looked into her eyes and know there is more than she is telling me.