Summer 2010

It seems summer has come and gone. The boys as far as I can tell had a pretty good summer. They didn't go on any long trips but they seen every movie that came out (ones that an 11 and 6 year old could see) and they got to go swimming a lot. They both have adjusted to the divorce pretty well. I think the youngest has adjusted the best. My oldest seems to be having some lingering effects. I guess that could be my fault because he sees the pendulum swing in very opposite directions. See I'm still very much in love with his mother but she has moved on with her life. It's not good for him to see me linger but I have to take care of my own sanity. Soon there will be a new man in her life and he will have to deal with that. I will too but it will be harder on him. I am down over 119 lbs now and continue to lose weight. I have a long way to go but the world in opening up to me quickly. There are numerous things that I can do now that I couldn't or wouldn't dare attempt before. The boys are enjoying my new found freedom and my friends are enjoying the time they are getting to spend with me. It seems while I was married I ignored my friends because my wife pretty much didn't like any of them. While she continued to foster new and increasingly intimate friendships I was dependent upon her as my sole outlet. Now I realize that was a whole level of life that I was missing out on. The boys look up to me and expect me to take them everywhere and especially spoil them. It seems that now the roles have reversed where once mom was the person to take them everywhere and do everything with them now dad is there sole source of entertainment. Summer for them is over. Soon football and soccer games will dominate my weeknights and work will continue to dominate the rest of my time. I have no desire to meet anyone as I have many issues to work out about my ex. I hope everyone had/has an awesome summer.

New Beginning: Day 71

Play Ball!!!!!!!!!! Baseball season has started and things have started popping around the house. I try and pick up my boys from school on the days they have practice and have them at the ball field with a snack and time to relax before starting. Since I have lost some weight I can get around ALOT better and I have even went with my youngest to the playground and pushed him on the swing for a while. Twice now!! Sad to say but a year ago that would have never happened. I was ashamed to go out in public. After practice the other day this one kid kept poking his dad and telling him look dad he is SOOOOOO FAT!! That's really no biggie you can't be as big as I am for as long as I have been without hearing everything under the sun. There is one kid at my son's school that comes and talks to me every time I come in. He is autistic and they say that I am the only parent that he ever talks to. He will stand beside me and talk to me and make funny faces. I think it is cute and I am flattered that he would show me so much attention. The other day when we left he was calling me GIANT!! Which he doesn't know any better and I like that name. My son said you don't get mad? I told him that at least he says it with a smile son, and he doesn't mean anything by it. A year ago things like that would paralyze me with fear and I wouldn't get out of the truck. In all honesty it wasn't to save me embarrassment but my wife and kids. But I found out that my boys could give to flips what dad looks like as long as he is around. As for my wife I will never know how what I'm doing now could have saved my marriage. I try no to focus on it much but I still go back to that day when the therapist asked my wife if she would give me six months to lose the weight and get to a better place and she it may take a year. My wife told her that, "I know I won't wait a year". Those words still replay in my head everyday. Every time I reach for something or start to stop for that biscuit it replays in my head. The boys and I got out in the yard last weekend and raked up a bunch of leaves to let the grass "breath" so it can grow along with the other plants and vines in the yard. Again that is something that would have never happened a year ago. So for now I am happy. Happy comes and goes but at least my good days out number my bad days now. Hope everyone is well!!!!

Separation: Day 202

The great Blizzard of 2010 is still ravaging Pickens County. The whopping 2 inches of snow we got shut down the school system for two and a half days and caused multiple accidents. Emergency crews were begging people to stay home unless it was life or death. The only things you seen on the road were four wheelers and other off road vehicles and they were going for milk, bread, eggs and beer. Hand to GOD I seen two people in full camo outside a liquor store on their Kawasaki Mule. I had to call in the first day because I couldn't get out of my sub-division and the second day I left eight hours early to go 9.5 miles. When I got home I pulled down next to the basement and....wait for it...wait for it...got stuck in my driveway!! So there I was stuck at home with nothing to eat but grits and Mike's Hard Lemonade. My wife came over and parked next to the road and cleaned out "her part" of the basement. So I reckon she is officially gone. Just before we are officially divorced. The house is shaping up a little bit now. I think my friend said she was going to come over tonight and "drink, watch a movie, and or decorate". I told her we could do all three. My youngest lost his first tooth over the weekend and he was so excited. My wife sent me a picture of him smiling. I broke down Sunday and sent my wife a message and thanked her for the best twelve years of my life, that my biggest regret was losing her, and that I would always love, want and need her. I also told her that as much as we were running in opposite directions from each other now that I hoped someday things would be better. Her response was I am coming to get the rest of my stuff today. I am really excited about seeing my friend, haven't seen her since the 27th of December. So heres hoping!!

Separation: Day 168

Welp it won't be long now. This time of year is turning out harder than I thought it would be. My wife was putting out all the decorations the other day when I went to take a shower. Every year we were together she bought us an ornament for the tree. I remember them all and looked forward to seeing what she got us each year. Sadly they didn't make the tree this year. When the boys came along she got them each one for every year. We had a pretty big tree and she loved to do all the decorations. She was a Jehovah Witness when she was little and she didn't get to celebrate Christmas for a long time. The first year we were married we had a tree in the dining room and I bought her a bicycle. Those were the days. I loved to buy her lots of things. Things she needed and things she didn't know she needed. :) Just like when I was growing up our stockings were the best thing to get. We always put a prize in them and filled them with our favorite candy. Everything she learned about holiday traditions she learned from my family. We had a tradition in my family that the first person to yell "Christmas Eve Gift" got to open a present on Christmas eve. The running joke Dad always said if you open one you won't have one to open on Christmas morning. I made homemade hot chocolate and she would make monkey bread. After the kids were born we wouldn't get in bed till late in the morning. One year we bought my youngest a train table and we had to set up the table and the train. Santa was one tired mo-frigger the next morning. Then I would write each of the boys a letter and tell them how good a boy they had been and to help their mother more and clean their rooms!!! None of that will happen this year. I don't have the Christmas spirit. My wife robbed me of that when she fell for another man and then blamed me for the failure of our marriage. My oldest told me the other day that he bet that my wife could make me happy for Christmas and I told him I thought it was passed that for us. I hate having those feelings and I really would try again but it would be a long hard road. ANYWAY I am thankful for the boys and glad that they bring me much joy and consternation.

Separation: Day 114

I had to work 16 mo-flipping hours yesterday! Well actually in all honesty I didn't have to I just did. I feel bad if I turn down any overtime. Especially lately because of the boys. My wife has curtailed her activities back a lot and eating out since the separation and everytime the boys are with me they want to eat out and get prizes. So anytime there is overtime to be had I say yes sir!!! Yesterday was one hell of a day. I started off the morning by falling in the breakroom, face first no less, and then working 16 hours. Ironically I had to stay for 8 hours of safety training. There is nothing better than having a near miss accident and then going to a meeting where we talk about how to avoid having them. For 8 hours!! But it was OT so I am not going to complain. I got home late in the afternoon and just passed out. When I woke up my leg was stove up like a mother huncher. I didn't even get to talk to my buddy yesterday. She sent me a couple of text and I didn't answer her till late. I try to send her an email everyday with some daily affirmations to help keep her positive. I was talking to her the other night and I was laying on the positivity and in the back of my mind I was like when are going to start believing in what you are preaching? I picked the boys up the other day from after school so they could be fed and ready to go when my wife got home. My oldest had an away football game. I picked them up and took them to the house and fixed fish sticks and "fry-fries" for my youngest and cheese eggs for my oldest. He loves my cheese eggs and he doesn't get when ol' dad isn't around. I thought while I was fixing his eggs I would make my wife a fried egg and cheese sandwich on toast a favorite of hers. So they left me to get ready and I checked to see if my wife eat her sandwich. Any guesses? That would be a negative. Why oh why do I try? This time it didn't bother me. I wanted to be the bigger person and just fix it. If she eat it she eat it, if she didn't she didn't. NO BIGGIE!! My sister went shopping yesterday and when I woke up I had a prize sitting on my night stand. A huge container of Reese's Peanut Butter Whoppers!!!! If you have never had then they are flipping awesome!!!! Ya!!!!!!! Sissy!!!!!!!!! Today is payday! Payday!! Payday!! Woo Hoo!! The one day of the week I look forward to. My boy won his football game 19-0, and my youngest wore the mascot uniform!! They wanted to ride home with their dad after the game so we didn't even make it out of the parking lot and they were saying we're hungry!!! :) Dad to the rescue. Thank GOD for OT!!!