Good Heart

It seems my time runs out faster than a hour glass with a vacuum hooked to the other end!!! Things are going pretty good right now. That is everywhere except on the job front. They have told me that it was a matter of time before I get laid off. I have been at my current job for twelve years and I will have to go home shortly. That really puts everything in jeopardy like my house, lively hood, and general overall happiness. I used to really worry about that but now it doesn't bother me so much. The only thing it is probably going to effect where my boys live and that sucks. The boys and I are having some pretty memorable times. My boys have discovered comics. I was thrilled when this happened because they were so into wrestling. I am hoping to bring them over from the dark side. My youngest will sit and look at a comic for hours on end. He can only read the simple short words but I think the thrill is the story he makes up in his mind. My oldest started playing middle school football this year but decided it wasn't for him. He tried to quit two other times before and backed out. He told me he was afraid that it would make me mad or that I would be disappointed in him. I told him that he had to do what made him happy and that I was proud of him no matter what he decided. Over the past year I have discovered that my boys love me more than I ever could have imagined. The thing is that I thought that I was an embarrassment to them because of my size but they don't seem to care or notice. My oldest the other day stayed behind to make sure I could make it up three flights of stairs and even stood at the top and waited on me with an outstretched hand. Later I told him thank you for not just leaving me and he said I would never leave you daddy. Next Sunday will be a year for me and a very special friend. She has been by my side almost all the way through this and I couldn't imagine being where I am today without her. Our friendship has grown so much over the last year she is truly a blessing to me and I am very thankful for her. My boys and I are closer than we've ever been and I have discovered several other long lost friends who keep me thoroughly entertained and happy. My ex-wife...well she is another story. I still love her very much. She is lost. Lost in a world of her own making and for once in my life I feel sorry for her. Here's to life and how we choose to live it!!!

New Beginning: Day 71

Play Ball!!!!!!!!!! Baseball season has started and things have started popping around the house. I try and pick up my boys from school on the days they have practice and have them at the ball field with a snack and time to relax before starting. Since I have lost some weight I can get around ALOT better and I have even went with my youngest to the playground and pushed him on the swing for a while. Twice now!! Sad to say but a year ago that would have never happened. I was ashamed to go out in public. After practice the other day this one kid kept poking his dad and telling him look dad he is SOOOOOO FAT!! That's really no biggie you can't be as big as I am for as long as I have been without hearing everything under the sun. There is one kid at my son's school that comes and talks to me every time I come in. He is autistic and they say that I am the only parent that he ever talks to. He will stand beside me and talk to me and make funny faces. I think it is cute and I am flattered that he would show me so much attention. The other day when we left he was calling me GIANT!! Which he doesn't know any better and I like that name. My son said you don't get mad? I told him that at least he says it with a smile son, and he doesn't mean anything by it. A year ago things like that would paralyze me with fear and I wouldn't get out of the truck. In all honesty it wasn't to save me embarrassment but my wife and kids. But I found out that my boys could give to flips what dad looks like as long as he is around. As for my wife I will never know how what I'm doing now could have saved my marriage. I try no to focus on it much but I still go back to that day when the therapist asked my wife if she would give me six months to lose the weight and get to a better place and she it may take a year. My wife told her that, "I know I won't wait a year". Those words still replay in my head everyday. Every time I reach for something or start to stop for that biscuit it replays in my head. The boys and I got out in the yard last weekend and raked up a bunch of leaves to let the grass "breath" so it can grow along with the other plants and vines in the yard. Again that is something that would have never happened a year ago. So for now I am happy. Happy comes and goes but at least my good days out number my bad days now. Hope everyone is well!!!!