Friday, October 9, 2009

Separation: Day 108

I have been helping out a friend now for the past month who has a lot of problems. I thought I had problems and I do but this person is overloaded. It is a comfort to help someone and have them appreciate it. I enjoy talking to this person because for a brief time I get my mind off of my problems and onto to something else. I talked to another long lost friend last night and he told me that he wished that he had been a better friend and had took up the time to call and check on me. He said that he wanted to get to a better place to where he could help. So it dawned on me last night on the way home that people do like me. They care about me and want me around. I get compliments all the time about how good a person I am, how good a father I am, and how good a friend I am. I still have people tell me that I was a good husband. I have always been that person but I just lay dormant for a long time. I was thinking about how my life would be right now if my wife hadn't left me. How things would be different and if I would have ever changed. I probably would have never changed to the degree I am now if my wife wouldn't have left me or made a really good threat to. I told my friend the other night that I just wanted someone to love me. I told her that I loved my wife so much that I couldn't stand the thought of being without her forever. I told her that I loved being around her, talking to her, loving on her, kissing her belly. I loved everything about her and was absolutely in love with her. I wanted her more after 12 years than I did on our wedding night. I loved this woman and would do anything for her. But now when I look into the once warm and inviting beautiful green eyes of my wife I stare into the cold dark abyss. I would give anything for a sign just a glimmer of hope. I would give a limb for her to say hold off on that divorce and let's try one more time.

Ten Things I am thankful for:

1. My boys love their daddy.

2. I still have a job and get a little OT every now and again.

3. I have an awesome friend who calls me every morning and every night to check on me and refuses to let me beat myself up.

4. Jason Aldean's "Grown Woman" and "Do You Wish It Was Me".

5. Very few people at work know about my problem.

6. Those that do say nothing about it.

7. Eating out with friends, missed that and didn't even realize it.

8. Wii Rock band, Rock band Country, and Rock band Beetles.

9. Prozac, and Hydrocodine. :)

10. Bojangles's Pork Chop Biscuit. (with cheese)


  1. Shane I don't know you - whatever little I have gotten to know about you is through this blog and you do seem like a really nice person.. and you should consider yourself really lucky to have friends who care about you - not all of us are that fortunate.. and keep up the positive self talk - life is too short to beat yourself up about anything for too long..

  2. Sounds like you and I have a lot in common though coming from different experiences. I am single, never married, but this post in particular sounds so much like me. It is good to focus on the blessings in life and trust the rest will work out. Me, I'm still trying to learn that lesson but newly re-found friend are helping with that. Good luck and stay strong!

  3. Yes, you ARE a good person & perhaps you have learned a lot about yourself, made some necessary changes & done some self-reflection; however, like what I learned from my divorce process - I was a good wife, but not a good wife for HIM. There's a difference...

    What you're going through is so difficult because of those very strong feelings you still have for her. My ex & I did not have that...only a friendship.

    There's always still HOPE. You just don't know if it's for the marriage to be saved, or for a future of falling in love all over again... Either way, GOOD will come out of it in the end. :)

  4. @MissOverThinker: I consider myself very lucky to have a good circle of friends. I never knew that friends could care so much.

    @Mike:Thanks for the encouragement. Yeah we have to think positive. It's hard to do but we have to do it to stay sane.

    @stillarockstar:I look forward to your insights. Your words always give me hope if not for the marriage for a better me. I can tell you are still young at heart and lucky is the man that catches your eye.

  5. It's always nice to feel good about your friendships. Glad to know you're getting that warm fuzzy feeling inside. And I think it's more disappointing than ever now the feelings with the wifey... to not see the person you've idealized in your head anymore and just see the coldness is painful. It's awfully painful. Let's hope for better days. No storm lasts forever.