No one knows at what point their life will change. Six months ago I was a happily married man with two loving children and thought I had the best life, better than I deserved. I can remember writing when I was in grade school that I planned to get married and live happily ever after. I was sure that I had found my partner, my soul mate, the woman who had imprisoned my heart. We had always told each other that we would never leave each other unless either of us cheated on the other. I knew that I never would so I thought this marriage will last forever. That all changed one day when I found an email exchange between her and another guy. It seemed innocent enough and she quickly dismissed it and went on the offensive and told me that all our problems were my problems. I didn't believe her. I couldn't believe her. Not me, not me, the "perfect husband". After many therapy sessions in which her and the therapist ganged up on me they eventually convinced me that it was all my fault and that I still wasn't "getting it". I enlisted the help of my own personal therapist and we began to talk. I told him about feelings I had had for a long time, things I hadn't told my wife.
So the person I loved and dedicated my heart and life to knew that I was already on the edge and she left anyway. She knew that this might push me over the edge and she left me anyway and blamed me for it. How could someone do that? How could someone who loved you push you to the edge and then drop kick you over. Even today it's the same way. I was out of work this week for two days because I had an accident and ran over my neighbors satellite dish and knocked his propane tank rolling. She never questioned me. She never asked how are you, are you ok? How does someone love someone for twelve years and then all of a sudden care less whether they live or die. I had a real bad cold for a week, hacking, coughing, wheezing, feverish. Not one question, not one concern. She came in the other night while I was dressing and she looked tired. I immediately asked if she was ok, if there was anything that I could do. When I left the house the other night I sent her a text and asked her if she wanted some company. I told her that I would be happy sitting on the bench at the foot of the bed just watching her sleep, and that I missed her so much. Her response: No. So polite. A week ago she sent me a long text telling me that if I didn't return the divorce papers signed that she was going to have me served. WTH??? Is it really true that good guys never win?
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First of all, none of this is your fault. It's probably not that she doesn't care, but she doesn't want to be with you anymore, and this is her way of distancing herself, and dealing with the situation. I understand, it is hard. I was with my ex for 12 years as well. She cheated on me as well, at least twice that I know of. Probably more. I found incriminating emails, photos, long distance bills, and plus I saw her car at a local motel, when I was driving for work. You and I have very similar situations. But the sooner you realize she wants to move on, and you have to stop pining after her, the sooner you can start healing and you can get on with your life. It is not her job to care for you like she used you. She knows that your caring for her, and your feelings and longing for her is your weak spot, and she will use that against you. You have to focus on the positive, and stop the "woe is me" and "how can she do this to me" stuff. If she wants a divorce, sign the papers and have it done with. Figure out the custody arrangements and get on with being a great Dad. Forget about suicide, that is for losers and shelfish people. You, are very much neither, my friend. The good guys do win, believe me. I felt exactly like you do. People like her, will have to answer for their choices in the end. I fully believe good things come to good people. And you my friend, will have many good things come to you. You will meet your "one and only" and have the relationship you deserve. Sorry to be so blunt, but you have to get over her. She doesn't want you in her life, other than the fact of being your children's father. Be strong for your kids, and yourself. She doesn't matter anymore. You and your kids are the most important thing. Stay strong!!
ReplyDeleteThanks Tony. Brutal as hell but....Something I needed to hear thanks man!
ReplyDeleteI'd say that she's just not a great person. As hard as that is to hear. But there are some good people out there. There really are!!!
ReplyDeleteI'm with Tony, just move on buddy. It's not worth your time, energy, and heartache. It's keeping you from getting out there and meeting the TRUE love of your life. One day you will look back at this and give thanks that it DIDN'T work out, because then you wouldn't have met the woman you are truly supposed to be with. Someone who appreciates and celebrates every single thing about you! Good luck!
ReplyDeleteI couldn't agree with Tony any more.. and I can understand where you are coming from too - esp about the part when you saw her looking tired, you asked her if she was OK but she didn't even bat an eye for you. This clearly tells you that she doesn't care for you. You just need to accept it and move on. And you need to stop showing her that you care for her. Even if in your heart you feel like you still do, you must stop showing it to her. She probably sees it as a weakness and nothing else.. you can ask your self all kinds of questions like why she doesn't care for you, or if she loves you or not, or when she stopped loving you, but in the end you'll just have to accept the reality that it's over and the answers to these questions don't matter..
ReplyDeletethings WILL get better for you, you'll see.
From my own personal experience, I can tell you that my ex was the same as your wife...distant, standoffish...never asking how I was or anything. Recently we have started a great friendship (after almost 5 years of divorce) and he told me the reason why he never seemed like he cared is because he was afraid I would take it the wrong way and think that there was a chance between the two of us. He said just because he didn't ask didn't mean he didn't care, but it was his way of protecting himself from further confrontation. I know...it's still not right and it still hurts, but I was glad to have the explanation. Hope this helps you in some way! Hang in there...it will get easier...it will take some time, but it will get easier!
ReplyDeleteShane, I know it's a tough pill to swallow, but that's how it is. My dad had to kick my ass with the same speech 4 years ago. I just hated to see you going through the same feelings I was having. It's not worth it. It places too much stress on your body. Life will get better, trust me. You'll come to realize how much better off you are. I thank God everyday I am not with my ex. Keep in mind, you are the most important person right now. Then your kids, and your friends. Take care of yourself, and everything else will fall in line.
ReplyDeleteP.S. I want to read something awesome and positive in the next post!!
ReplyDelete@Jules: The thing is she used to be, to me anyway. Now I would agree she just sucks lately! I hope they are.
ReplyDelete@Jessie: Thanks for visiting! I know what you mean about the heartache it takes me a good day to get over any conversation with her. Thanks for the encouragement, and I will be dropping by to visit your blog soon!!
@Miss OT: Thanks for your blunt comment. Your 100% right, I just need to let all this sink in. I think any answer I would get would just bring on more questions. Thanks! :)
@Julie: Your right. I know that she isn't saying or doing anything because she knows that that I am just looking for any sign. So the best sign she can give me is no sign at all. Thanks! I can't wait for the better part.
@Tony: Working on the positivity, it will be coming soon!! Thanks man!
ReplyDeleteSO sorry Shane!!! It is hard as hell & frustrating to not be able to understand how a person could act [or not react] after having such a loving, long relationship...but, sadly sometimes we will never know...instead, we just have to focus on what we have learned & know about OURSELVES & how we react to the situation...what can we, if anything, change?
ReplyDeleteThis past year, I've also had my fair share of bad, depressive evenings thinking the good girl never wins, but it's not true...you WiLL win, because you are strong & someone who deserves you & is a good girl for YOU will come along someday.
Chin up! :)