Separation: Day 99

I had a development the other day. I found out that all this time I was right that there was another man. The guys current girlfriend sent me an email of the last letter my wife wrote him confessing her dying love for him and said she would never give up on him. Keep in mind that she has never met him and only talked through Twitter, email, text, and IM. This has been going on since the end of 08. We seperated on 6/23/09. This was my response:

****,

I have read the attached letter over and over. It was two days before I could read it myself. I felt so sick at my stomach and would start to have a panic attack. I finally broke down and read it the other day and cried for so long and so hard that I couldn’t cry anymore. I know you don’t care. I see now that you moved on from me a long time ago. The mourning period for me is long passed (if there ever was one). It is a shame that you gave me up for nothing. The fact that my love meant so little to you that you would give it up for the chance of love real or imagined. I am sure that **** is not as innocent in all this as *** says he is. I am sure that he did lead you on. I am sure there is/was a connection between you two. Not as imagined as *** would like to think. He has played you both. What hurts me the most is that you lied to me from day one. You already loved him on 5/20/09 you loved him on 6/23/09, and you sure as hell loved him on 9/22/09. All of these times I asked you if you loved him and you said no. You lied each and every time. Instead of owning this you turned it around on me. I am sure you didn’t know what to think when you read my blog that said you were having an emotional affair. You couldn’t lie to me ****. For as much as you claim I don’t know you and I never listened to you I was dead on. I knew when **** had cut you off. I could see you were distant, your skin was broke out, and you had two periods real close together. All this from someone who never listened to you, who and abandoned you. Please. You may have shared you heart and soul with **** but I still know you better than anyone. You looked at me **** and lied to my face. Your lips said no but your eyes said yes. "Your green eyes always give you away". I reckon **** wasn’t the only one you communicated with through Flickr and JPG. You knew that blaming me for all this would drive me over the edge. Just like in your case the boys are the only things that kept me here. If not for them I would have left this world a long time ago. You knew that blaming me would kill me and yet you hide behind the truth. If the love was as strong as you said it was then you should have been shouting if from the mountain. I know you are lost right now. I know you don’t know which direction to go. I know the pull of **** is still strong. I know you are willing to wait him and *** out. Maybe he told you he would leave her, I don’t know. What I do know **** is that I love you with all my heart. Even now I ache for you and long for your touch but you have betrayed me and lied to me. I would do anything in the world to help you. To guide you in any direction you want to go in. I know that direction is not towards me. But I do love you ****. You know I do. I don’t have to tell you. As far as a divorce goes I’ll work on it, maybe. Maybe not. I don’t know. There is nothing holding you here. I love and will take care of our boys. Follow your heart and do what makes you happy. You can always see them on the weekends. (That’s nothing less than you done to me, you sacrificed my relationship with my boys for this) I’m sure you and **** can be happy. As for me, I will never be the same without you. There is always a place for you in my heart and my home.

Right now I am lost, and don't where to go. Her pull is undeniable and I still would take her back. Please someone help

Separation: Day 95

I had a late development in the week and that threw me for a loop. I was too busy figuring that situation out and didn't get to my thankful list.

1. My youngest won his soccer game. He also scored like 4 goals!!
2. My youngest told me that papa said he could be the greatest. I said your papa and he said no someone else's!!
3. All my BBs that check on me and comment and give me encouragement.
4. I got overtime this week.
5. A renewed friendship from long ago.
6. I talked to my father-in-law and he told me to do what I had to do he understood.
7. A good meal shared with my family.
8. Texting
9. Mountain Video
10. My lit'l sister putting up with her older brother.

I hope everyone is having a good weekend and staying dry.

Separation: Day 92

I got my divorce papers yesterday. :(

Seems I have a lot to think about and do.

On a happier note: HAPPY BIRTHDAY JULES!!!

Separation: Day 89

The day started out late. After working my sixteen hour shift I went and picked up my boys from after school. I took them to the local bakery and got them, my wife, and her friend a snack and dropped it off along with my child support for the week. I had to get me in a little rest before taking them out to eat because I was just dead dog tired. We went to eat at Big John's Dawg House (it's coming quite the hangout for me) and had a really good meal. The whole time my youngest was talking to the kid at the next table. He had a robot dinosaur and my boy had a toy policeman. Of course they had to have a shoot out. I took the boys back home and dropped them off because my oldest had to get up early to go to the football game. I passed out on the bed when I got home like someone had drugged me (really two vicodin and a prozac). I was out from 9pm-9am. I was late getting to the house to get a shower so my buddy and I were late leaving. My wife knew a shortcut while my buddy knew the way the buses went (aka not a shortcut). It took us over two hours of curvy, hilly roads to get there. It rained the whole flipping time and my CD player wouldn't play his "road music". But we had some great conversation and done a lot of catching up. We stopped at a Wendy's for a pee break and when I came back out to the truck my buddy said your alarm went off while you were inside. I said funny because I don't have an alarm system. He said the horn was blowing while you were inside. WTF!! I told him no it wasn't and when we started out into the road it blasted like a siren. My buddy said this ride just got a little more interesting. We finally got to the school and I parked just as close as I could and walked out to watch the game. The boys were already into the first quarter and they were losing by a little. My youngest came running and give me a huge hug and my wife looked at me like I thought he wouldn't come. Ha!! Told you damn it I am a changed man. Then it started to sprinkle. No big deal. Then it started to pour. Oh Hell!! Then the bottom fell out. There I was with no umbrella. My youngest came and offered me a towel from his mom and I told him no thank you. Men don't need umbrellas men just stand there and get wet, and wet I got. I was ringing the water from my shirts. Every time I took a step you could hear a definite squish squashy, squish squashy!!! I looked like the redneck from hell who had entered a wet t-shirt contest and lost. I was soaked to the core. I hung around by my wife's truck because I wanted my son to know that I was there and watched the game in the pouring ass rain because that is the kind of dad I am. He lost the game but he played hard and I got out to help him take off his shoulder pads and got soaked again. Small price to pay for my sons love. While all this was going on my friend (so called) had been sitting in the truck because he didn't want to get wet. We have a mutual friend who has been having marital problems for like two years and she wanted to meet up with my buddy. He told her that he had plans but that I was available and that we could meet and talk. He told me that we would probably end up just talking about her problems the whole night and I told him fine I was getting tired talking about mine. I had to rush home and change out of my sponge and meet her at Longhorns. I got to Longhorns and she text and said I'm inside. I went inside and I text her back and said which location are you at this Longhorns or the one further north. She was out front alright. Out front at Outback Steakhouse. No biggie there just up the street from each other so we finally met up and had an awesome meal. We talked non-stop for four hours about each others problems. You could almost reverse the roles of our marriages and they would be carbon copies. Her husband has the same attitude as my wife and my friend and I are hoping against hope they will come back. It felt good to get a fresh perspective and a relief to be listening to someone else's problems for once. It came time to pay and she wouldn't even let me pay. It was kind of awkward and I told her I felt bad and she said you can get it next time. So....I left the tip anyway. If I hadn't had to come to work I believe we could have talked all night. It was good for the soul and I enjoyed it. I was glad my friend had plans.

Separation: Day 87

My name is Shane. People call me Shane, Shaner, Pendley, Papa, Tiny, and the list goes on. I travel the same stretch of road six or seven days a week. I am easy going and don't require much. For twelve years I was married to the most perfect woman in the world. I loved her with all my heart. We met at the Jasper Family Steakhouse where I was a cook and she was a waitress. We started out slow and soon our love grew to a smoldering heat. We couldn't get enough of each other. Our first kiss was in the dining room late one night while she was cleaning and I was cleaning the kitchen. After getting up the courage to finally kiss her I leaned in and score. It was not a very memorable kiss because although she didn't pull away she kept her mouth and teeth clenched. I walked away from that kiss thinking that I couldn't kiss or inspire her. The next night when I came in she pulled me into the sugar room (no pun intended) and laid a whooping kiss on me I still remember today. She told me I just wanted you to know that was not how I kiss and then laughed her beautiful laugh and ran off. I was just thinking about that tonight. The week has flew by and the weekend is fast upon us. I have to work Saturday so no after party. The good thing is next week will be a good paycheck and I get to see the boys more because my wife has court and I will keep them while she is in court. No therapy this week because of all the double shifts so I am in a funk right now. Not that therapy really helps but I don't talk to very many people about my situation. People at work are slowly hearing about it and I have already been asked about it twice this week. I feel like such a failure every time they bring it up. I always rated my marriage an A++. I didn't know that love had an expiration date. I forgot to check the marriage license to see if there was a "Best If Used By" date on it. I see her out of the corner of my eye and I want to grab her up and give her a "sugar room" kiss and have her swoon and say I have missed you. I want to send her flowers and silly lit'l text messages. I want to bring her breakfast and get that morning kiss. I want to see her fresh out of the bed with her hair all messed up and sleep in her eyes that is when she looked the best to me. On to my weekly thankful list:

1. I have gotten boo coo overtime this week.

2. My boys.

3. My son won his game last week.

4. My company stock is finally going up, and the euro is stronger.

5. Grill cheese sandwiches.

6. My ipod shuffle (even if it is playing "Grown Woman" and I'm crying like a hungry kitten).

7. My friend is going to go with me to the football game.

8. Sweet Pete (she brought me a biscuit yesterday).

9. Diet Mt. Dew in a bottle.

10. Memories of my wife when she was happy. (I was always happy)

Hope everyone has an awesome weekend.

P.S. Top is Ethan my youngest and bottom my oldest Nathaniel.

Separation: Day 85

Anna at http://littleremindersoflove.blogspot.com/ is having an awesome giveaway for a sweet postcard set called "the little box of i love you". Skip on over and take a gander. Had to work twelve hours today and have to work twelve the rest of the week! Woo Hoo!! The boys are good and my friend called me up tonight and said he was going to go with me to the first away game. That means that I don't have drive two hours by myself and then sit by myself at the football game. He said something about throwing a party afterwards. The afterward I don't know about. It's been a long, long time since I got my drink on. =) Who knows? Might be fun. I seen my wife tonight for about 10 minutes and then cried all the way home. Damn it boy! When does that stop?

Separation: Day 83

You never know how what you do early in life will come back to haunt you in later years. My mother and father both smoked my entire childhood and only quit when it was obvious that they were having serious problems. Did smoking kill them? Yes. Did they do it to themselves? Yes. Did they mean to? No. They paid the ultimate price. Their children, spouse's (dad died first), mothers, father, and grandchildren paid the price too. Since living at my mom and dads place I remember a lot of things that I thought I had forgotten. I have lived there now for 83 days and I have yet to go beyond one bedroom, living room, kitchen, and the bathroom. I have yet to look into my parents room (the original one) and the bedroom that I shared with my brother. I stay in the same room that my mother passed away in. I am reminded everyday of when she died and what the room looked like and who was there. Now my lit'l brother has problems and they have told him that there is nothing else they can do for him. He too like my parents done things to himself that caused this. He has been in and out of the hospital over the last couple of months and the last time he was there they sent in a grief councilor. WTH!!! But it is like I said he knew that one day this time would come. My brother and I have not been close in years but we have always been able to depend on each other. All either one of us had to do was pick up the phone and the other would do whatever it took to help out. I have not talked to him yet but I plan on going to see him more often and taking my boys because they both like him a lot. My weekend went alright. My oldest won his football game. He played a lot and done real good. I had to sit alone for awhile but my sister finally showed up. It wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be, my youngest and his lit'l buddy came and seen me when he wasn't playing mascot. I ended up having to work all weekend but I really wanted to. It helps to work a lot. I say it helps but most weekends I just end up crying in the truck while going and picking up samples. I have had some lonely times lately. My wife always has the boys and she has her mom, dad, and sister to fall back on and to go and visit. I do enjoy getting out and doing things with my friends though. That helps a lot and they care more for me than I ever imagined. I took my boy to a pic-nic Sunday that was thrown for the football team. I love my boy but damn. The food was good but the entertainment was karaoke. Redneck can't sing for shiznit hell!! Everybody around there felt obligated to take a turn whether they could sing or not, and believe me not was the majority. My boy done an impression of Simon Cowell while one was singing. I thought I was going to have to go under the table. I am just glad that I could take him somewhere to have a good time and to spend time with his friends. He thanked me a million times and told me he loved me about the same. All in all a pretty good weekend. Welp it looks like 12 hours shifts all this week so next week will be Money, Money, Money,Money!!! Money!! Oh, and saying that I already had the house payment was a jinx. My sister billed me for half the utilities!!! Damn it! I knew I shouldn't have said anything. Hope everyone has an awesome Monday!!!!!

Separation: Day 80

Yesterday was a pretty good day. I had a good therapy session and got to pick up the boys early from after school. I have to work Saturday and after work I have a football game to go to and then a picnic for the football team Sunday. So my weekend is filled up. Might even sneak in a little me time Saturday with a movie or something. Last nights supper with my friend went real well and he even invited his father and step-mother. We had a blast and the kids got along great. As I have been doing in the past couple of weeks I am going to post my Thankful List:

1. I still have a job.
2. I have good health.
3. I have good friends who care for me and check up on me.
4. All the advice I get from my bloggerfamilia.
5. My boys throwing up gang signs yesterday in the truck while listening to 95.5 The Beat!
6. My boys are in good health and good spirits.
7. I got to spend some time with Grandma P. Monday.
8. I have next months house payment already. (Please no jinx)
9. Big John's Dawg House (damn good burger,fries,wings, hell everything)
10. My wife gave me a half hug.

I hope that everyone has a good weekend and everything goes their way!!! Be safe and be careful!!

Separation: Day 79

First off I would like to preface this by saying that I have no prejudices. I have always had the motto live and let live, to each it's own so on and so forth. But we have this person that comes into work occasionally and I don't know what this person's gender is. I mean they have breasts and also have a definite 5 o'clock shadow thing going on. So when I talk about this person I refer to he/she as It. Well this morning It comes in and decides it wants to vent. It starts talking to me about the economy, health care, workers rights, moral fiber, and his dads lack of it. Somewhere in the conversation It says that its dad in order to sale a car one time packed the rear end of the car with saw dust (apparently this helps the rear end temporarily). But the only part of the conversation that my buddy got was the part about the rear end and I never heard the end of it the rest of the night. They even went out and told another driver the story and he came in and told me that It radioed him and told him how good a person I was and that I was a good listener. I was like WTH!!!!!!!!!!!!! But then he mentioned the saw dust and I said ok you went too far you had me till you said saw dust. I have always been careful of using any gender specific salutations so....But It told me it had a girlfriend. But that doesn't mean anything. So I guess live and let live. So tonight me and the boys are going to meet my buddy with his family at this new "dive" and eat and fellowship for a while. I have grown quite fond of his kids and him and his wife text me all the time making sure I am ok. I'm glad to have reacquainted myself with an old friend.

Separation: Day 77

I am not one to follow trends. I have left my hair short instead of letting it grow out long and hang in my face. I have no tattoos, no piercing, I don't smoke, chew, dip or do any recreational drugs. But for a while now I have been looking at these people who shave off their mustaches and leave just their beard or chin whiskers. So the other day while looking in the mirror I done something I have not done in almost ten years. I shaved my mustache off and left just my chin whiskers. I had to do it to see if I still had an upper lip. I was shocked at the difference it made. You could actually see me smile. Not that I had anything to smile about but if ever there arose an occasion you could see it plain as day. I have been told that I had a "cute turned up lip" and although I don't see cute it is turned up slightly. I know your thinking by now that the 77th day must be rough as hell and I am reaching for something to write about. That is not the case at all. I just wanted to try something different and for once I did. My oldest didn't saying anything about the missing mustache but he did say that my face looked a lot slimmer. The boys at work are calling me Ishmael, and my little big friend said it suited me and he was thinking about doing it. My oldest lost his football game over the weekend but he put in a valiant effort. I had lots of family come out and sit with me. I am always afraid that I will have to sit by myself which will be the case on away games but I will manage. I kept both the boys Friday night and then took them out to eat and get movies after the game. I took them back home and kept them until my wife got back from seeing the new nephew and getting groceries. The boys and I always have a good time and I look forward to every minute I get to spend with them.

Separation: Day 73

Today was therapy day. I always stop and pick up my sister a Chik-Filet chicken biscuit. When you live with someone rent free you kinda do them any favor they want. So that is my routine every Thursday, therapy then Chik-Filet. I would be going broke if I was still at home because I know that I would buy my wife lunch every Thursday. But....Anyway therapy went good and we touched on somethings other than the marriage. He always wants to know how I am doing and how the boys are doing. He told me today that I should realize now that there is no way to save my marriage. I don't believe that, I didn't feel like arguing but I don't believe that. In some sick way I still hold out hope. I still expect to see her come through the door at my sisters place and tell me to come home. I know I must be high on pain killers and Prozac but hey its my dream. I didn't get much sleep today because my brother and his father-in-law came and cut the grass about 1pm after I got in bed about 11am. WTH!!!!! But the yard looked real good and there is nothing better than the smell of fresh cut grass. I am going to go watch "Gamer" tomorrow night with my brother and my oldest boy. I think he will probably spend the night with me and then I'll take him to the football game Saturday. I am going to post some pictures of the boys later so people can put faces with oldest and youngest boys. I get to work twelve hours Sunday so I will get a pretty decent check next week too. I need it, the house payment comes every month!! So now it is time to list everything that I am thankful for, so.......

1. I have a job.
2. My boy won his football game last week.
3. I got to spend sometime with my boys this week.
4. I have been doing better getting out and walking more.
5. I actually went shopping for a birthday present (my wife wrapped it).
6. I hear from friends and family every week to hang in there.
7. I was able to help a friend in need.
8. I think I sold my old truck.
9. All my friends (bloggers included) and family for helping me out.
10. No one at work knows that I am having marital problems.
11. A hug I got last night.
12. I got a jar of home canned jalapenos. (AKA around here as Jay lap a knows) ;)

Hope everyone has a kick ass weekend!!

Separation: Day 72

People say she's only in my head

It's gonna take time but I'll forget

Say I need to get on with my life

But what they don't realize

Is when you're dialing six numbers just to hang up the phone

Driving cross town just to see if she's home

Waking up a friend in the dead of night

Just to hear him say it'll be alright

When you're finding things to do at night, not to fall asleep

Because you know she'll be there in your dreams

That's when she's

More than a memory.

Garth Brooks

I got my lit'l brother to fill up my ipod schuffle with music to help me walking. The other night when I was listening I heard this song. Of course tears started welling up in my eyes and I had to listen to it over and over. Damn it. He knew what he was doing when he put that on there. My brother has been up this week so he could show off the new nephew. My sister is a little upset because she hasn't got to see him or the baby yet. I told her last night that new mothers were very particular and didn't like to drag newborns out much. She said she understood but she don't. I seen the baby the other day he is real cute and has a head full of hair. The baby looks like my brother, me and my sister. We all have black hair, and dark eyes. I always wanted to have a dark haired baby but both my boys have blond hair and green eyes like their mother. I wouldn't have them any other way though. I have to get my mise en place (my space) cleaned at her house because they all are coming over Friday for dinner. I told her that I would cook the pork roast we have and bbq it. We will have that with slaw, chips, and corn on the cob. That should be plenty and everyone likes bbq. I don't really have any plans this weekend other than my oldest's football game Saturday. It won't take me long to clean my space since in consists of a bed and nightstand. Seriously that is all I have. My clothes hang in the hall way and I usually pull clean clothes from out of the dryer or from the top of it. Ahh the life of a man in exile. I had to work late yesterday and just got to the ball field in time to take my boys back home. My youngest climbed in the truck and said that he wanted to go get movies. :/ I told him he would have to wait for the weekend for that. It was good to see them if only for a few minutes. My wife brought me out some pictures of the football team and they were real good. My boys are growing up fast. Well....today is therapy day so maybe I can shake some of the blahs I have been dealing with lately. I have been crying daily, and seeing my wife everyday doesn't help. I miss her so much.....but you know that by now.

Separation: Day 70

"And you, my father, there on the sad height,Curse, bless, me now with your
fierce tears, I pray. Do not go gentle into that good night. Rage, rage against
the dying of the light. " Dylan Thomas

This came to me tonight as I was sitting here wallowing in self-pity. I had something strange happen tonight when I got to work. I had had a bad day and my wife talked to me about the divorce tonight and I was feeling real down and beat up. Then the phone rang at work and it was an old driver that used to come in everyday. He and I would talk about what we were reading and if we had heard of anything good to read. He was a preacher and was taking classes to become a pastor. He called out of the blue (and late to boot since I work third shift) and told me he had been thinking about me and wanted to know how I was and how everything was going at work. He had a stroke recently and had started on disability. He said he was fine and that he was getting to read a lot. Then he told me that he loved me and that he would come up here and see all of us some time. The fact that an old friend had called me up and told me that they were thinking of me and that they loved me took me back some. The other day at the party all the parents came and gave me a hug and told me that they were glad to see me and that I had well behaved and good looking boys. My grandmother always told me that I had an old soul. She said I felt more deeply than anyone she knew. My oldest is the same way. What I don't understand is I am trying so hard to be a better man but I have this huge black hole sucking the life from me. I love my wife with all my heart and why she is hell bent on shredding my soul I have no clue. I don't know how someone could share their life with another person and then just walk away like nothing ever happened. I am a good man I know this. I try hard to help people and be good to other people, always have. I don't understand why I have to go through this. All I want to do is hold my wife again. Hold her in my arms and never let her go. I want to whisper in her ear that I love her as long as I have life. The pain of the emptiness is unrelenting and it echos through the chambers of my heart.