Separation: Day 69

I have started this blog three times and went back and erased it. I went to a birthday party this weekend at my friends house with the two boys. I have really reconnected with him over the past couple of months. We have a long past and it's not always been good and of course with any friend there was a girl involved. But that is all in the past and he is a pretty good friend. The party was loud, loud, and louder. There were about 10 kids there so actually the noise level was pretty tame at times. My boys behaved real good and I actually got some compliments about how well behaved they were and how much they loved on their dad. They are some good boys and they do tell me they love me all the time. One of my friends boys was playing with two Star Wars figures and I told him to give me one and I held my hand out and he ran and jumped in my arms and gave me the biggest neck hug. I thought damn it boy I was going to play action figures with you and now you done got me choked up. It was fun being around a crowd for once. I never liked going out before and being around people but now I kind of enjoy it. One woman came up and told me she had heard A LOT of stories about me. A long time ago there was this other Shane and he lived life to the fullest. There are stories I could tell but that would be another blog for another day. While at the party they introduced me to a woman who was separated from her husband and has two boys like me. They were all at the party and they were real cordial to each other. But she and I have another thing in common it seems that sometimes our brain/mouth filter gets clogged up. ;) Her's is a little more extreme than mine in that she sometimes has no filter and just says what comes to mind. We all had a good time and the boys I know were worn out when we left. I'm sure my wife enjoyed her time by herself. The boys really are a trip and they do some of the funniest things and I am glad that I am around to watch them grow into the men they will one day be.

Separation: Day 66

I went to the bathroom tonight and had myself a good cry. I know that a man probably shouldn't admit to that but it's out there now. I didn't have therapy today so I missed my weekly soul cleansing. Yesterday I went and picked up my boys from school and took them to my wife's house while I took a shower. My oldest done his homework so he wouldn't have to rush back and do it and my youngest ate Cheeze Its (that's the way they spell it) and watched cartoons until I got ready to go. When I started out the door my wife showed up and my youngest decided that if I wasn't going to Taco Bell he wasn't going. Well....he had to stay with his mom. My oldest and I went and had hot wings and chili cheese fries. Oh yeah, it was as good as it sounds. When I walked in the lady said it's good to see you back is your wife not with you. For a minute I thought (wtf!) then I remembered that my sister was with me the last time. I gently corrected her as my son looked like I should be telling him something. When I got out to the truck I had discovered that I had gotten a bargain. I got the whole meal for around ten bucks. I went back in and told the girl that I owed her some more money and she looked at me like you have got to be kidding. Ended up I owed another seventeen to go with the ten. She said thanks you saved me from getting into big trouble. So my conscious cost me seventeen bucks!! I knew better than to tempt fate, if I had walked out and left it like that I would have lost that money somewhere along the way. Happens every time. What comes around goes around. I am a big believer in that. Anyway, I took my boy back home and dropped him off and took a nap before going into work. What was the reason for the crying spell? It just came over me in the bathroom. Just a wave of emotion. Dread, pain, loneliness, scorn, all the usual suspects. But amazingly I felt a little better when I got done. So now as I promised I would I am going to write my thankful list:

1. Micah was born on 8/27/09, he weighed 6lbs and was 21 inches long. I am his Uncle.
2. I get to work this weekend.
3. I made it through the first cut of layoffs at work this week.
4. My wife made it to and from NY safely.
5. Both my boys are doing good in school and are healthy.
6. I have enough money in the bank to make my house payment.
7. I have two boys that love me even if I'm not going to Taco Bell. :)
8. I am alive and well.
9. I have good blogger friends who inspire me and check up on me daily.

That would be about it. I hope everyone has a good weekend!!!!!

Separation: Day 63

Yesterday as I entered the house I remembered how sometimes I would stand behind the door and surprise my wife when she would come home on break. I would grab her when she came in and give her a big hug and kiss. As I made my way to the kitchen I remembered all the meals and get togethers we hosted and how happy we were working in the kitchen. I also thought back to how excited I would get when I got up early and had supper or her lunch fixed so I could spend just a little bit more time with her. All the cheese eggs that I had fixed for my oldest who loved and looked forward to them anytime he stayed with me. As I sit in the "big blue chair" I thought back to the nights that I would sit with her helping her name her pictures on Flickr before going into work. Also I chuckled at the many times that I called her Flickr Queen. As I made my way down the hall I remembered seeing her in her white cotton gown throwing clothes into the dryer to "iron" themselves. I remembered back to the times she helped the boys clean their rooms or they watched her clean. After getting a shower I sit at the foot of the bed on the bench she had bought me for my birthday and remembered all the hugs and kisses I had gotten before she went to bed. All the many times I had watched her fix her hair in the bathroom mirror and the disgusted looks she would make because it wouldn't curl the right way or that it curled period. But I also remembered the night she said she thought she was done. She said a lot of things that night that hurt me deeply. Things she had been wanting to say but wouldn't. I remembered she followed me down the hall and out on the front porch telling me that she was sure that she was done and told me to be careful going to work because I was so torn up. I remember how I thought it would last forever. A friend and fellow blogger sent me a quote that she thought was appropriate:

"I would like to beg you, as well as I can, to have patience with
everything unresolved in your heart and to try to love the questions themselves
as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. Don't
search for the answers, which could not be given to you now because you would
not be able to live them. And the point is to live everything. Live the
questions now. Perhaps,someday far in the future, you will gradually, without
even noticing it, live your way into the answer." ~Rainer Maria Rilke

It is true that there is much unresolved in my heart and up until now I haven't been very patient. It is true that I have been searching for the answers and not living the questions. I also hope that one day in the future I will live the answers. I do know that resolution is out there but for now the emotion of the pursuit of happiness seems unending and unreachable. But I do know that through patience I will be able to unlock the misery and translate the pain into happiness. Thanks for the quote it means so much.

Separation: Day 62

I had an awesome weekend with the boys! Our first night I made boneless fried chicken with mashed potatoes, homemade gravy, homemade mac and cheese, and hot dog bun toast (hated to throw them out). We watched some TV and went to bed late so they would sleep later. :) I got up early Saturday morning and got them a biscuit and came back home to get ready for my oldest boys football game. His team lost the game but my boy done real good and the announcer called him out special when he made a tackle. My friend came up with his family and watched the game and that made my youngest boys day. The cheerleader coach brought a mascot uniform for my youngest to wear. My boy can be a ham when he wants to be but he has to warm up to the idea around strangers. The little boy they got to wear it done an incredible job and was so cute and funny. That night after the game I took them to get some movies and I picked up pizzas and we went back to my wife's house to watch the movies and eat. We watched 17 Again and then me and my youngest watched two episodes of Scooby Doo!!! We gathered up our junk and went back to the land of exile and slept. Sunday morning I got up early because my friend text me at 7:30 am (WTF!!!) and wanted to know about watching Inglorious Bastards we made plans to watch that while my sister took my boys shopping with her to find a dress for an up coming wedding. Also it was my wife's birthday and the boys needed to get her something. The movie was gory, and funny as hell. Brad Pitt made the movie. He has a killer southern accent and everyone else was great too. After the movie I went to Olive Garden and bought my wife a piece of tiramisu (her favorite cake) for her birthday and stopped by and got her a card. Then back to the house to clean it up so she wouldn't walk into a mess, wash my boys uniform and hang it to air dry and put in another load of clothes. Washed a few dishes and took out the trash and folded a load of clothes she had on her bed. Also raised the window and turned on the ceiling fans so the house would be nice and aired out. Thus ended my weekend with the boys, somehow when they go shopping for someone else they end with something for their trouble?? That's my boys though. I was tagged by Jules to do this so here goes:

1. Favorite Summer Movie - Inglorious Bastards was real good. Transformers was good, along with Harry Potter.

2. Favorite Summer Cocktail - I don't drink that much so I would have to say Mike's Hard Lemons and Miller Lite. Did drink some Blue Sky's my wife mixed up they were good.

3. Favorite Summer Song - Since everything reminds me of my wife kicking me out like piled up trash...Daughtry-No Surprise, The Fray-Don't Let Me Go, Jason Aldean-Grown Woman, and Kelly Clarkson-Already Gone.

4. Favorite Summer Meal - Hot Wings!!!

5. Favorite Summer Outfit - T-shirt and joggers.

6. Favorite Summer Read - Odd Hours-Dean Koontz, Bleachers-John Grisham, The Associate-John Grisham.

7. Favorite Summer Moment - This past weekend with my kids! We had an awesome time. Also 5/25/09. Just for personal reasons.

Since I am new to this I won't tag any one. But if you feel compelled I would enjoy reading it!! Just let me know. ;)

Separation: Day 59

My wife left today to go to NY for the weekend and I have the boys. They got to the house late because my oldest didn't get done with his homework and my sister had to give my youngest a bath. The boys were tired and I turned the TV off at about 10pm and we went to sleep. Or they went to sleep and I took a nap before going into work. When I got up to leave they both were sound a sleep and snoring. Therapy went pretty good today. We talked somethings out and maybe made some progress on some blahs I had. I was nervous seeing my wife tonight because I am worried about her flying and being up in NY. She give me a hug and agreed to call me when she got there. So that made me feel better. I love her so very much and miss her something awful. My boy has a ballgame this weekend and I am going to have some friends over so my boys can play with their boys. They had a real good time last time and I think they need a break from all that is going on. I hope my boy does good and they win their game because they have practiced hard and he has made a lot of progress. I called my buddy yesterday to see if they still planned on coming and what they wanted me to cook. I was prepared to make BBQ pork, homemade chili, homemade pizza, or whatever they wanted. He just said don't go to any trouble we will just order some pizzas. So now that I won't be cooking Saturday I am going to cook boneless chicken, homemade mac and cheese, whole potatoes, and my biscuit bread tonight. That will be the first meal I have cooked since living with my sister. I made some homemade gravy the other night and it was real good. The last time I cooked at my house I made pork chops, mac and cheese, black eyed peas and corn bread (sugary kind like my wife likes). When I asked my boy the next day if they enjoyed the meal he said his mom had ate left over chili and threw what I made away. She did crumble some of the cornbread up in her chili so it wasn't a total waste. I love to cook and don't mind washing dishes. It kills me that I can't cook supper for them more often. I am going to make up for it this weekend. It just so happens that I got the weekend off too. Can't really afford it but they only need one man this weekend and I am the low man on the totem pole. I promised to make a list of things I was thankful for instead of always dwelling on the negative. So here goes:

1. My two boys love their dad.
2. I have not been sick in a while.
3. I have a job.
4. I have many friends who care for me.
5. I am surrounded by family who love me.
6. I have a place to live.
7. The sunrise outside the office door every morning.
8. My wife no matter what.
9. My blogger friends who encourage me.
10. I have the weekend off to spend with my boys!!

I am thankful for all that and more but that will do for this week. Next week I will try to do the same thing.

Separation: Day 57

Today was a hard day. I slept pretty good (thanks Prozac) but didn't feel refreshed when I woke up. I waited to the last minute to go take a shower and decided I wasn't going to leave this time. I just set in the "big blue chair" and waited on my boy to get done eating so I could take him to practice. My wife and I talked back and forth some. Just idle chit chat nothing imperative. I love talking to her, we used to talk for hours on end and never run out of things to say. That is why now the silence is so painful. I just keep thinking to myself it was just a mere 68 days ago (there was a time when she could stand me in the same house) that my wife loved me and wanted to spend the rest of her life with me. We always signed each others cards with:

Love you forever + a day, + infinity + a day, + eternity + a day, + a
day.

It was just May 19th, and my world was as I would have it be. My wife loved me, my boys loved me, and I was happy. Sure there were things that needed improving and things that I should have been working on but nothing that threw up flares. Nothing that said if you don't change your ways your headed for divorce. But apparently it was just lying under the surface. If I had only knew then what I know now. Today was a double edged sword. I miss her so much that I am willing to sit there knowing it is going to tare me up something awful. I was crying when she pulled up in the parking lot at practice. The thought of being without her the rest of my life still takes my breathe. It just kills me to think that I will never be able to hold her again. She leaves Friday for NY. I had already bought her ticket back in February. She is so excited about going and I am excited for her. She has never been and I really am happy she is getting the opportunity. But I am worried about her. I hate to think of her up there and something happening to her. That is a long ways to be from home to have something happen. I am going to miss her coming home to me and sharing her adventure and showing me all the pictures she took. My wife is an awesome photographer with a keen eye. She takes amazing photos and I am man enough to admit that sometimes I was jealous at how talented she really is. But I guess I won't get to see any of them or hear any of the details. I really do miss my wife. I miss looking into her beautiful green eyes. I love green eyes and she has them is spades. They are electric and piercing at the same time. They are loving and condemning at the same time. And when she is mad they flash with furious anger. It just................you know. I thought I would share something that I wrote a while back about having to live in my parents place again:

The walls they remember me.

They close in around me....smothering me.

I gasp for fresh air but I'm met with stale lucidity.

Pictures of mom and dad adorn the walls.

Warning: Reflections in the pictures may hurt more than they appear.

A red dot states that you are here.

Followed by a hecklers cackle devoid of cheer.

Well that should be enough for another cry on your shoulder session. I just wish she would come see me before she leaves.

Separation: Day 55

It was a pretty good weekend because I had to work all weekend and that helps keep me sane. The work keeps me busy so I don't think about my situation as much. NOT!! There is nothing that takes my mind off of this but working does help. I have always drowned my sorrows in work. Some people drink, some people eat, some people smoke, I work. I work a lot. After dad died I worked a lot of 100+ hour weeks. At the time I didn't know that was why I was doing it but I was. I wasn't trying to avoid or abandon my wife and kids I was dealing with my dads death the only way I knew how. That has been my life story. I got a job to get out of the house. I had rather work than to stay at home(mom and dads). I loved school for that reason. Mom and Dad weren't very involved parents. Sure they cared for me and provided for me but anything beyond that it was up to me to find. I think that is why I loved my grandmother so much. She loved me no matter what I did and who I became. My parents loved me they just weren't that supportive. I am not trying to get sympathy here just stating a fact. That was a hard revolution to say out loud. If anything good has come out of this it is I know that work is not a way to deal with things and I need to enjoy life more. Be more involved in the lives of others. I had started doing that before with my wife's grandparents. I really loved them both and made an extra effort to see them before they went back home. They really accepted and loved me despite my faults and shortcomings. I guess that part of my life is over now also. I came upon something someone else had wrote about the passing of their dad and it really struck a cord with me:

"You're not getting through your grief when the memory of your loved one STOPS
making you cry. You're getting through your grief when the memory of your loved
one STARTS making you smile again" :-)

That is very relevant in the death of my parents and my current situation. I can't smile yet. I don't see how I could ever smile about losing my wife. About having my wife just walk away while there was still so much to say. (Thanks Rascal Flats) I still love my wife very much and miss her more and more everyday. I have smiled a few times thinking about mom and dad. I used to walk around the house and cry looking at their pictures (it's been a while since I did that) and I have even called out for mom a couple of times. But I always done it while I was alone. Didn't want anyone to think I was going crazy. When you lose your parents you have lost your center, your bearings, your foundation. What makes this so hard with my wife is that it is she is like a ghost. I can see her and hear her but I can't touch her. She is like a specter. I can look into her eyes but I can not engage her. The other day while at football practice one of the mothers came up and spoke with me about family. When she was leaving she padded me on the shoulder and back. I had chills run through me. I had forgotten what it felt like to be touched by someone who cared. I almost lost it right there. The last time I felt that was on the fourth of July when my wife briefly rubbed my shoulder coming around me. Even then I could feel her love. I felt it in her touch. I'm sure she doesn't remember it but I do. I would give anything in this world that was my power to give to make things better with my wife. I have done everything she asked me to. I don't think it is too much to ask her to do the same. To look into her heart of hearts and reach down deep to find the courage and will to love me again. I have a dream one day that I will wake up and she will be sitting next to my bed holding my hand with tears in her eyes telling me to come home Shane I miss you. I have a hope that one day I will roll over to the cold side of the bed and feel her warmth once more. I have aspirations that one day I will be in the family photos again and not just in the background. I pray that my prayers will rise above the ceiling and not fall to the floor. Most of all I just hope against hope that my wife will come back.

Separation: Day 51

Today is therapy day. I have to go and talk about the problems I am having and how they are effecting my everyday life and how I am coping. Well to be honest if I were an airplane I would be in a dead stall right now. I don't know what to do. Everything I do seems like it is wrong. If I do something right I think it is wrong, and if I do something that is wrong I think I have really messed up. You have seen the movies where the pilot is barreling towards the earth and they are screaming pull up, pull up!!! Well that is me right now, except I can not hear the warnings, all I see is the earth barreling towards me at warp speed and I am in a daze. I think the biggest thing is that the shock has worn off and I am able to see daylight in this separation. I have come to realize some very important things.

1. My wife had/is having an emotional affair with another man.
2. After all is said and done I would still take her back.

It just hit me the other day that she has never given me a straight answer on whether she loves him or not. Every time I asked her if she has told him that she loves him she keeps telling me that he has a girlfriend.Well, so flippin what, she has a husband and I didn't stop up any holes. What if he didn't have a girlfriend would she have told him by now. She doesn't have to tell him to have those feelings. She has them I can tell. She always said she could tell if I am lying and she could but I can tell she is not telling me the whole truth. If there was nothing to hide why erase all the text messages? Why? If I had seen them and they would have been idle chit chat I would have blew it off. I wouldn't have liked it but I would have blown it off. But when you know they are talking all hours of the night and then you check and the evidence has been erased then you naturally assume that it was something that wasn't good. So for the time being I can not even look her in the eye. I really don't want to be around her but I have to be because of the boys. She knows that she has wronged me but it has not affected her in the least. She is still talking to him everyday and probably hoping that he will leave his girl for her. Who knows? I just know that I have looked into her eyes and know there is more than she is telling me.

Separation: Day 48

I am still going to do the sub-title as separation until the divorce is final. Just one last slither of hope that she will change her mind and tell me to come home. I know you want to know at this point what I am smoking but it is too hard to let go. I had the boys almost all weekend and we had a good time. I cooked hamburgers on the grill Saturday and my lit'l brother came over. He was up for the weekend from Ft. Benning. He is going to be deployed in October to Iraq. Sucks, big time, but it is what he signed up to do. The boys played action figures and their video games up until bed time and then we all went to bed. We got up early Sunday and met a buddy of mine for breakfast. The buffet was huge and my youngest eat like he was starved. Then we went to my buddies house and let our kids play together. They got a long like they had knew each other for years. In just a few minutes they were running around the house screaming and yelling. They played real good together and after lunch his wife took them to the water park. My youngest kept going under and telling his wife how good a time he was having and how much he loved it. It made me feel good that I could take the boys somewhere and they were able to get their mind off of things and have a good day. Me on the other hand woke up crying this morning and I quickly dried it up when my oldest asked what was wrong. It's hard to deal with this. I asked her the other day if she felt like she had wasted her life up until now. There was a long pause and she said she had not regrets but that was just for my benefit. I don't know what to believe. I just know that I don't ever want her to feel the pain that I have felt, I don't ever want her to be done the way she is doing me now. I have had one bad breakup in my life and I am trying to steer clear of all that and it is hard to do. I still love her so much that it literally takes my breath away to think it is over for good. It is like someone has knocked the air out of me and I am gasping for breath. My heart sinks into my stomach just thinking of her kissing another person. All I know is my boys is all I got now, and they are enough. I love them and miss them and wish their mom the best that life has to offer. I just hope whatever caused her to throw me away is worth it.

Separation: Day 45

Well I will have to soon change the subtitle to divorce. :( The title will remain the same but it will be forever A Life Apart. Yesterday we met at a mexican restaraunt, the first place we went as a family to eat after we started having problems ironically is the last place that we ate as husband and wife. I can only write this now while sucking back tears. The first half of the dinner was good we talked and talked but there was an obvious cloud over the conversation. She already knew what she was there to do but I ever the optimist hoped that I could snatch victory out of the jaws of defeat. I started out by telling her that I felt that there were three options:

1. I could move back home while she was gone to NY and when she came back we could make an honest effort to try and stay together. I promised that I had changed enough that I wouldn't smother her and we could work on our marriage together. AKA My option.
2. Things remain the same except that I would only pay the house payment and give her money for the boys. Still would continue working on the marriage. AKA Not my favorite but better than three.
3. She would have to do what her intentions where from day one. AKA Nuclear Option.

She picked......THREE! She started out by asking if I was happy when we were together those last few days and I told her I was happier then than I was now. At least then I was able to see her and the boys, not just part time. She said no, I can't, I don't want to live with you. She said that I had to see that she was doing better and that she wasn't sick all the time. She also asked if I thought that it was going to go any different than the way it was going now. Honestly and truly I knew she was going to ask me for a divorce I just prayed to GOD that it wouldn't happen. I looked at mom and dad's picture before I left and asked them that if they had any pull up in Heaven to put in a good word for me. Nothing worked. She had given me a heart key chain with her name engraved on it a long time ago after I had given her a wooden heart I had found. I told her that she would always have my heart. And she will. But while we were talking I slipped the heart off of my key chain and handed it back to her and told her that I no longer had her heart so it wasn't mine to keep. Honestly the pain hasn't gotten any worse. Right now I am still numb. Soon it will hit me a tidal wave of fear, regret, remorse, denial, and longing for her love. I have to remain strong for my boys but....I have to mourn the loss this time or it will consume me. The sunrise that I look forward to every morning outside my office window was is black and white this morning devoid of color. The dawning of a new day was special before now it just signifies another day in A Life Apart.

Separation: Day 41

It has been forty-one days since I have been exiled from my house. What started out as an inquiry into my wife's e-mail to another man telling him how much he meant to her quickly evolved into a marriage that was filled with disappointments and emotional abandonment. I still haven't figured out how that happened. I came upon these e-mails and asked my wife about them and she came back with, "we are having problems, you are having problems" and we need to get help and you need to get some extra help. I am still reeling on that one. How is it that I find this and all of a sudden I am the one that needs help. How is it that after forty-one days I still have not got an explanation to why she erased every text message she sent him and every text message he sent her. I believe that I am entitled to an explanation. Not just a quick pro quo but a long discussion about what took that many texts to talk about, and why was I as her husband not even aware this guy existed. I have suffered along now for forty-one days thinking it was all my fault that me working all the time and losing both my parents left me emotionally unavailable to her. But my phone never rang, she never woke me up in the middle of the night and said I need to talk. I was there and more than willing to talk to her. How is it that I "the great provider" ends up with egg on my face? How is it that I who has given up everything but work to make sure that my family has everything that I didn't ends up with nothing?