Thursday, June 25, 2009

Separation: Day One

I could not be a person that travels all the time. I hate being away from home. You take so many things for granite. My bed is too small and I sink in the middle. My bed at home is firm and has plenty of room for my large frame. The shower is way too small and I have already had to call and get permission to come over and take showers until I can fix the problem. So this was my first day without my wife and kids and life sucks!! I broke down today when I called my boys and told them good night. My oldest is going with my brother to his new house and I won't get to see him till the weekend. I won't even get to see him before he leaves because I have to go to the doctor. My youngest didn't even want to talk to me when I called tonight, I thought I was going to have to go without talking to him. He ended up talking to me and telling me I was #1 and that he loved me all the way to heaven. I remember the first time my wife and I were separated (we were just dating) she went on a long trip and I was miserable. I was working at a steakhouse and every night before I left I would sit down and write her these long letters on place mats. I had a routine...I had to sit at the same table, same chair, and use the same pin. I didn't want anything to jinx me. I would write and tell her how my day went, how work went and how school was going. I had a lot going on back then, really I have always had a lot going on. But then I would go into how much I missed her and how I was suffering from a disease called Jillitis. I would then go into details about how the disease was progressing and what my symptoms was. I did this for like seven days and when she came home she had these long letters. I remember later she told me she didn't know what to think about all the letters when she came back because my love was just so intense and she hadn't quit got there yet. For her while she was on the plane I wrote a long letter and made her a mixed tape (before CD burners) that coincided with the letter. My love for her has not changed since that day. If not it is only more. I think I forgot how to put that love into words over time. I always tell her I love her, and I make sure that she doesn't want for anything it's just I wasn't always there for her emotionally. I think over time I just took it for granite that she knew she could come and talk to me anytime about anything including if it was about me. Which she did talk to me about problems that I had but somehow it just never sunk in. I think I was open to any conversation as long as it wasn't about me. I just know that day one sucked and day two doesn't look any better. Maybe something will give.

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