Monday, June 29, 2009
Separation: Day 5
Today was one of the hardest days. Today we had a welcome home/bridal /new home shower. My wife always done these events up big. She would have been right in the middle of everything and would have been up late last night getting everything ready. She thinks of my brother as one of her own. My dad died when he was nine and he liked to come and stay at the house a lot until he got up into high school. Anyway she didn't come to this and so I got to see first hand how it felt not to have your partner there. It sucked. It sucked big time. I never knew how it felt. Now I do. I couldn't be happy for my brother, I could only have my own little pity party. The boys got to come and they had a good time. My oldest cruised the room like an old man stopping and talking to every group like he had known them for years. This boys truly never meets a stranger. My youngest found the stage and strayed few time from running back and forth wide open. But all the while I am sitting there wallering in my own self loathing and can't get motivated to do anything. I helped cook and once that was done I was done. I only talked to those who talked to me. I couldn't get my mind off of how it would have been different if my wife would have been there. If she would have been there I would have gotten constant hugs and kisses and she would have checked up on me to make sure I was ok. But she was with her mom. That is what I told everyone because I couldn't bare to tell them the truth. The truth being that my marriage is in trouble and everything I do seems to be the wrong thing. I could have had constant love and attention today but instead I got stale, sanitized texts with little or no feeling. I sent her a text earlier and said that I remembered the last time we had been there was at her company Christmas party about 10 or 11 years ago, and that I now knew how she felt going places without me, and that I was sorry. She sent me back a text saying Thank you. We have a therapy session scheduled for Tuesday and I just know in my bones it's not going to go good. We have only been a part for five days but it seems like weeks to me. I miss her so much. I miss her smile, her laugh, the twinkle in her eyes when she does something mischievous, her warm embrace, and her kisses most of all. Now she won't let me kiss her at all. She will turn her head and I am left with a cheek. A cold (kiss this if you must give me a kiss) cheek. I can not for the life of me remember treating her anyway to deserve this. But here I am and I hope it gets better because I am due for something good to happen. Something, just anything.