Separation: Day 59

My wife left today to go to NY for the weekend and I have the boys. They got to the house late because my oldest didn't get done with his homework and my sister had to give my youngest a bath. The boys were tired and I turned the TV off at about 10pm and we went to sleep. Or they went to sleep and I took a nap before going into work. When I got up to leave they both were sound a sleep and snoring. Therapy went pretty good today. We talked somethings out and maybe made some progress on some blahs I had. I was nervous seeing my wife tonight because I am worried about her flying and being up in NY. She give me a hug and agreed to call me when she got there. So that made me feel better. I love her so very much and miss her something awful. My boy has a ballgame this weekend and I am going to have some friends over so my boys can play with their boys. They had a real good time last time and I think they need a break from all that is going on. I hope my boy does good and they win their game because they have practiced hard and he has made a lot of progress. I called my buddy yesterday to see if they still planned on coming and what they wanted me to cook. I was prepared to make BBQ pork, homemade chili, homemade pizza, or whatever they wanted. He just said don't go to any trouble we will just order some pizzas. So now that I won't be cooking Saturday I am going to cook boneless chicken, homemade mac and cheese, whole potatoes, and my biscuit bread tonight. That will be the first meal I have cooked since living with my sister. I made some homemade gravy the other night and it was real good. The last time I cooked at my house I made pork chops, mac and cheese, black eyed peas and corn bread (sugary kind like my wife likes). When I asked my boy the next day if they enjoyed the meal he said his mom had ate left over chili and threw what I made away. She did crumble some of the cornbread up in her chili so it wasn't a total waste. I love to cook and don't mind washing dishes. It kills me that I can't cook supper for them more often. I am going to make up for it this weekend. It just so happens that I got the weekend off too. Can't really afford it but they only need one man this weekend and I am the low man on the totem pole. I promised to make a list of things I was thankful for instead of always dwelling on the negative. So here goes:

1. My two boys love their dad.
2. I have not been sick in a while.
3. I have a job.
4. I have many friends who care for me.
5. I am surrounded by family who love me.
6. I have a place to live.
7. The sunrise outside the office door every morning.
8. My wife no matter what.
9. My blogger friends who encourage me.
10. I have the weekend off to spend with my boys!!

I am thankful for all that and more but that will do for this week. Next week I will try to do the same thing.

Separation: Day 51

Today is therapy day. I have to go and talk about the problems I am having and how they are effecting my everyday life and how I am coping. Well to be honest if I were an airplane I would be in a dead stall right now. I don't know what to do. Everything I do seems like it is wrong. If I do something right I think it is wrong, and if I do something that is wrong I think I have really messed up. You have seen the movies where the pilot is barreling towards the earth and they are screaming pull up, pull up!!! Well that is me right now, except I can not hear the warnings, all I see is the earth barreling towards me at warp speed and I am in a daze. I think the biggest thing is that the shock has worn off and I am able to see daylight in this separation. I have come to realize some very important things.

1. My wife had/is having an emotional affair with another man.
2. After all is said and done I would still take her back.

It just hit me the other day that she has never given me a straight answer on whether she loves him or not. Every time I asked her if she has told him that she loves him she keeps telling me that he has a girlfriend.Well, so flippin what, she has a husband and I didn't stop up any holes. What if he didn't have a girlfriend would she have told him by now. She doesn't have to tell him to have those feelings. She has them I can tell. She always said she could tell if I am lying and she could but I can tell she is not telling me the whole truth. If there was nothing to hide why erase all the text messages? Why? If I had seen them and they would have been idle chit chat I would have blew it off. I wouldn't have liked it but I would have blown it off. But when you know they are talking all hours of the night and then you check and the evidence has been erased then you naturally assume that it was something that wasn't good. So for the time being I can not even look her in the eye. I really don't want to be around her but I have to be because of the boys. She knows that she has wronged me but it has not affected her in the least. She is still talking to him everyday and probably hoping that he will leave his girl for her. Who knows? I just know that I have looked into her eyes and know there is more than she is telling me.