Separation: Day 196

Damn it boy!!!! It is colder than a well diggers ass down here. Eighteen frick fracking degrees and the cold air that is coming under my office door is freezing my footsies off!! I know, I know, cry me a river, but I hate cold weather. They say fat people don't get cold. They LIED!! Plus I hate to wear coats. My mom had to force me to wear one when I was little and when I got old enough to make that decision for myself I never wear one. My excuse was that I would walk from a warm truck to a warm building I didn't need a coat. I'm about to rethink my coat wearing ways. The house is empty. The ex has about a half a load left of stuff (upstairs) and some cleaning to do before she gives me the green light. I was over there last night and she came to get another load so I left and went back to my sister's place. There was something about her carrying her stuff out while I was there that was messing me up. I went over there the other night and set and cried for about an hour just looking at the empty house and remembering the past. My friend called right in the middle of it and I couldn't speak so she told me to call her back when I could talk. The boys tickle me they are excited but they hide it well because they don't want me to think that they enjoy the new place. My oldest told me tonight my brothers room is s-m-a-l-l and my youngest looked at him and said yeah bubba that mean little. I about fell out of the big blue chair. We lived at the place for two years and never painted the first wall. The whole place was one boring color. So now that the place is empty I am going to get it painted. My friend has promised that she can work miracles that all I have to do is set a budget. There is so much that I have to buy first though. My ex got the washer, microwave, the FLAT SCREEN (just kill me now), and her dresser. I told her she could have her nightstand table but she said it was in the agreement that it was mine. She also got everything out of the boys rooms so if they come over anytime soon it's either a pallet on the floor or sleep with daddy. I don't know where to go from here now. I mean I was used to seeing her pretty much everyday but now I really don't have to see her again. I mean I can drop the boys off and not see her, she can pick them up and not see me. January 13th will be the end of it all, our marriage anyway. We will forever be in each others lives like it or not.

Separation: Day 51

Today is therapy day. I have to go and talk about the problems I am having and how they are effecting my everyday life and how I am coping. Well to be honest if I were an airplane I would be in a dead stall right now. I don't know what to do. Everything I do seems like it is wrong. If I do something right I think it is wrong, and if I do something that is wrong I think I have really messed up. You have seen the movies where the pilot is barreling towards the earth and they are screaming pull up, pull up!!! Well that is me right now, except I can not hear the warnings, all I see is the earth barreling towards me at warp speed and I am in a daze. I think the biggest thing is that the shock has worn off and I am able to see daylight in this separation. I have come to realize some very important things.

1. My wife had/is having an emotional affair with another man.
2. After all is said and done I would still take her back.

It just hit me the other day that she has never given me a straight answer on whether she loves him or not. Every time I asked her if she has told him that she loves him she keeps telling me that he has a girlfriend.Well, so flippin what, she has a husband and I didn't stop up any holes. What if he didn't have a girlfriend would she have told him by now. She doesn't have to tell him to have those feelings. She has them I can tell. She always said she could tell if I am lying and she could but I can tell she is not telling me the whole truth. If there was nothing to hide why erase all the text messages? Why? If I had seen them and they would have been idle chit chat I would have blew it off. I wouldn't have liked it but I would have blown it off. But when you know they are talking all hours of the night and then you check and the evidence has been erased then you naturally assume that it was something that wasn't good. So for the time being I can not even look her in the eye. I really don't want to be around her but I have to be because of the boys. She knows that she has wronged me but it has not affected her in the least. She is still talking to him everyday and probably hoping that he will leave his girl for her. Who knows? I just know that I have looked into her eyes and know there is more than she is telling me.

Separation: Day 41

It has been forty-one days since I have been exiled from my house. What started out as an inquiry into my wife's e-mail to another man telling him how much he meant to her quickly evolved into a marriage that was filled with disappointments and emotional abandonment. I still haven't figured out how that happened. I came upon these e-mails and asked my wife about them and she came back with, "we are having problems, you are having problems" and we need to get help and you need to get some extra help. I am still reeling on that one. How is it that I find this and all of a sudden I am the one that needs help. How is it that after forty-one days I still have not got an explanation to why she erased every text message she sent him and every text message he sent her. I believe that I am entitled to an explanation. Not just a quick pro quo but a long discussion about what took that many texts to talk about, and why was I as her husband not even aware this guy existed. I have suffered along now for forty-one days thinking it was all my fault that me working all the time and losing both my parents left me emotionally unavailable to her. But my phone never rang, she never woke me up in the middle of the night and said I need to talk. I was there and more than willing to talk to her. How is it that I "the great provider" ends up with egg on my face? How is it that I who has given up everything but work to make sure that my family has everything that I didn't ends up with nothing?