Sweet!

This week has flown by! Work and more work along with sleep and a lit'l house work. Today is apparently laundry day because it looks as if I pulled the last pair of pants out of the chest of drawers. I have to work Saturday and I'm off after that. My oldest has a ball game tonight (Friday) and Saturday. The Ex has another wedding to do so I will have the boys most of the day Saturday. We are going to have a big family dinner Sunday in honor of my lit'l brother being home! Guess I'll have to cook something for that but that is no biggie for Chef Shane!! :-) Thought I would do a thankful list so here goes:

1. Overtime
2. My boys and their ball games.
3. Old friends and new friends
4. Walking my way to good health
5. Nice warm weather
6. Mo Mo is home for a couple of weeks.
7. Fresh sheets
8. Sweet text messages
9. All the atta boys I get!!
10. Laughing

Down 91 lbs this week when I weighed!

Separation: Day 106

I was doing ok. Really I was. I was going along and singing my happy song and bobbing my head back and forth. I took my oldest out to eat (my youngest went all mommas boy on me) and had a good meal with him. We talked a little about what was going on and how he was doing and about his schooling. Then when I got home to drop him off his mother waved me down and wanted to talk. :( I couldn't help it. She started in on me about why I haven't signed the papers. Always with a calm and cool demeanor completely devoid of any emotion. I told her that I couldn't afford to pay the child support she requested and I was about to lose everything that I had worked for because she wanted something/someone else. She said I didn't come out here to argue with you just wondering what the hold up was. Things digressed from there and I eventually had a bait of it and told her to "get her shit and get the fuck out". She went on to say that as long as her name was on the deed that she could stay in the house. I reminded her that I could move back in anytime I wanted to but I left for the boys. I told her she needed to start looking for a place to live and she said she had been. I told her I knew that there was no shortage of vacancies. It was not good. I ended crying in front of her, lip quivering, big tear drop crying, and I hate myself for it. Again I let her beat me up with I was an awful husband. I sent my friend a text and told her what happened and she told me to STOP!! Not to let her do that. She was real worried and I was just real aloof for a while. Later I sent my wife a text and told her that I didn't want to talk to her anymore and if it couldn't be said in a text then I didn't need to know it. That is hard to say and do but I do so much better without talking to her.

Separation: Day 63

Yesterday as I entered the house I remembered how sometimes I would stand behind the door and surprise my wife when she would come home on break. I would grab her when she came in and give her a big hug and kiss. As I made my way to the kitchen I remembered all the meals and get togethers we hosted and how happy we were working in the kitchen. I also thought back to how excited I would get when I got up early and had supper or her lunch fixed so I could spend just a little bit more time with her. All the cheese eggs that I had fixed for my oldest who loved and looked forward to them anytime he stayed with me. As I sit in the "big blue chair" I thought back to the nights that I would sit with her helping her name her pictures on Flickr before going into work. Also I chuckled at the many times that I called her Flickr Queen. As I made my way down the hall I remembered seeing her in her white cotton gown throwing clothes into the dryer to "iron" themselves. I remembered back to the times she helped the boys clean their rooms or they watched her clean. After getting a shower I sit at the foot of the bed on the bench she had bought me for my birthday and remembered all the hugs and kisses I had gotten before she went to bed. All the many times I had watched her fix her hair in the bathroom mirror and the disgusted looks she would make because it wouldn't curl the right way or that it curled period. But I also remembered the night she said she thought she was done. She said a lot of things that night that hurt me deeply. Things she had been wanting to say but wouldn't. I remembered she followed me down the hall and out on the front porch telling me that she was sure that she was done and told me to be careful going to work because I was so torn up. I remember how I thought it would last forever. A friend and fellow blogger sent me a quote that she thought was appropriate:

"I would like to beg you, as well as I can, to have patience with
everything unresolved in your heart and to try to love the questions themselves
as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. Don't
search for the answers, which could not be given to you now because you would
not be able to live them. And the point is to live everything. Live the
questions now. Perhaps,someday far in the future, you will gradually, without
even noticing it, live your way into the answer." ~Rainer Maria Rilke

It is true that there is much unresolved in my heart and up until now I haven't been very patient. It is true that I have been searching for the answers and not living the questions. I also hope that one day in the future I will live the answers. I do know that resolution is out there but for now the emotion of the pursuit of happiness seems unending and unreachable. But I do know that through patience I will be able to unlock the misery and translate the pain into happiness. Thanks for the quote it means so much.