A Life Apart

Tuesday

2011-03-29T12:10:00.000-07:00

The title is true enough. Today is Tuesday. Another eight hour day sitting behind a computer entering data into spread sheets that no one will ever read and then they argue with their validity. Please you give me the numbers I just enter them. I'm just a middleman. I'm just a patsy!! The thing about it is now when the numbers look wrong they just say that I got them from the wrong place. I made some loving from the oven last night that still lingers with me today. I made homemade fajitas. They were incredible. If I do say so myself. Someone had given my sister a two huge bags of frozen tenders and I cooked them with peppers and onions. Heated up some tortilla shells and shazam instant love!! I also done up some oven roasted potatoes with salt, pepper, butter, parsley, and garlic. They were good enough to make your tongue slap your brains out. I finally get my boys tomorrow night. It has been a week since I seen them for any length of time. I'm about to miss them. They tare the house all to hell and back, eat up all the snacks and fight like a cobra and mongoose but I love them. Ball seasosn has started and soon my weekday nights will be filled at the ballpark. Nothing like a single father being around a bunch of hot single mothers. Wait then out of the corner of my eye I spy my wife making out with her new boy toy and I throw up in my mouth a little bit. Nothing says desperate more than a kid dating someone for their ride. But then again I guess that is what she gets out of the deal too. ;-) I'm not bitter. Really I'm not.

2010 Year In Review

2010-12-20T08:51:00.000-08:00

This year has not been my most successful year. This year has not been my happiest year. You could say this has been the worst year of my life. In January I got divorced. After twelve years my wife left me. You can go back and read the details. I am still working through this daily. The truth is I am still very much in love with her but she has moved on..and on...and on. I lost my job in October along with the job went the insurance. Which is a big ouch. The biggest part of the year I had gout in one or both ankles. For anyone who has never had gout. It sucks. It sucks big time! Plus it hurts like a mother huncher. My wife has started dating formally. Even though I only hear about it from my sons (no prying from me) it kills me. It absolutely kills me. The biggest problem with that is that I'm not over her. I will have to work on this also. BUT....this year has not all been doom and gloom. There are some very positive things that came out of this year. I have lost nearly 200 lbs. Let me say that again... 200 lbs. That's like three supermodels. I feel the best I have felt in a long time. I get out and do more than I have in years. I watch movies at the theater now. I go to my kid's school programs. I take my boys out to eat. I take my boys to visit my friends and they love my friends!!! Plus I have friends. I never honestly knew that I had so many friends that loved and cared for me so much. I have met and maintain ties with friends that I have met on this blog. They are awesome. You know you are. I have started going to church again. I am a born again Christan. I don't preach to others. You know the shape and destination of your soul. You don't need my two cents worth. I started praying for peace and comfort I have received peace and comfort from time to time and I am thankful. Even though I do get down and out I am strong enough to pull myself back out of the muck. I have the strength to overcome anything as long as I put my heart and soul into it. Don't get me wrong I am not experiencing a bout of prison religion. I have always felt that I could live a better life. Now I am. My boys love their dad very much. I love every minute I spend with them. They are awesome to be around and I look forward to seeing them as much as I can. They love their SWEET DADDY and I love my bird turds!! 2011 may not get any better, it may be the best year of my life. Only time will tell. No longer will I look at tomorrow with my head down in a defeated manner. When I meet the future it will be eye to eye.

Good Heart

2010-09-13T01:39:00.000-07:00

It seems my time runs out faster than a hour glass with a vacuum hooked to the other end!!! Things are going pretty good right now. That is everywhere except on the job front. They have told me that it was a matter of time before I get laid off. I have been at my current job for twelve years and I will have to go home shortly. That really puts everything in jeopardy like my house, lively hood, and general overall happiness. I used to really worry about that but now it doesn't bother me so much. The only thing it is probably going to effect where my boys live and that sucks. The boys and I are having some pretty memorable times. My boys have discovered comics. I was thrilled when this happened because they were so into wrestling. I am hoping to bring them over from the dark side. My youngest will sit and look at a comic for hours on end. He can only read the simple short words but I think the thrill is the story he makes up in his mind. My oldest started playing middle school football this year but decided it wasn't for him. He tried to quit two other times before and backed out. He told me he was afraid that it would make me mad or that I would be disappointed in him. I told him that he had to do what made him happy and that I was proud of him no matter what he decided. Over the past year I have discovered that my boys love me more than I ever could have imagined. The thing is that I thought that I was an embarrassment to them because of my size but they don't seem to care or notice. My oldest the other day stayed behind to make sure I could make it up three flights of stairs and even stood at the top and waited on me with an outstretched hand. Later I told him thank you for not just leaving me and he said I would never leave you daddy. Next Sunday will be a year for me and a very special friend. She has been by my side almost all the way through this and I couldn't imagine being where I am today without her. Our friendship has grown so much over the last year she is truly a blessing to me and I am very thankful for her. My boys and I are closer than we've ever been and I have discovered several other long lost friends who keep me thoroughly entertained and happy. My ex-wife...well she is another story. I still love her very much. She is lost. Lost in a world of her own making and for once in my life I feel sorry for her. Here's to life and how we choose to live it!!!

Things My Boys Say

2010-08-05T00:46:00.000-07:00

My boys are pretty much in the loop on everything that is going on in the world whether it is music, movies, wrestling (damn it), and somewhat fashion. It kills me to be going down the road and an Eminem song comes on and my youngest will start bobbing his head and waving his hands. It is sooo hilarious!!! But along with that comes a few bad words ever now and again. Mmmmm....not so good. Sweet Daddy not so proud!!

Me: Say my favorite words!!
My youngest: I love you Sweet Daddy!!

My oldest: Hey there is one of the teachers from my school. She teaches Special Ed.
My youngest: Aren't you in her class? (Sorry I had to laugh no offense to anyone with a special needs child)

My boys: What are we having for supper?
Me: Two cold beers and a bologna sandwich!!

While sitting at a Mexican restaurant when a mariachi band starts playing "Sweet Home Alabama".

My oldest: Wth?!?!
Me: What?
My oldest: What's next "Free bird"?

Me: How is your mom feeling?
My oldest: She still pretty much hates you!
Me: I said how is she feeling?!
My oldest: Oh...better. (shit eating grin)

Me: How much do you miss me?
My youngest: I miss you more than my heart beats daddy!!!

They keep me on my toes that is a fact. I love having them around even though they destroy a clean house faster than a swarm of biblical locusts!!

Summer 2010

2010-08-02T01:19:00.000-07:00

It seems summer has come and gone. The boys as far as I can tell had a pretty good summer. They didn't go on any long trips but they seen every movie that came out (ones that an 11 and 6 year old could see) and they got to go swimming a lot. They both have adjusted to the divorce pretty well. I think the youngest has adjusted the best. My oldest seems to be having some lingering effects. I guess that could be my fault because he sees the pendulum swing in very opposite directions. See I'm still very much in love with his mother but she has moved on with her life. It's not good for him to see me linger but I have to take care of my own sanity. Soon there will be a new man in her life and he will have to deal with that. I will too but it will be harder on him. I am down over 119 lbs now and continue to lose weight. I have a long way to go but the world in opening up to me quickly. There are numerous things that I can do now that I couldn't or wouldn't dare attempt before. The boys are enjoying my new found freedom and my friends are enjoying the time they are getting to spend with me. It seems while I was married I ignored my friends because my wife pretty much didn't like any of them. While she continued to foster new and increasingly intimate friendships I was dependent upon her as my sole outlet. Now I realize that was a whole level of life that I was missing out on. The boys look up to me and expect me to take them everywhere and especially spoil them. It seems that now the roles have reversed where once mom was the person to take them everywhere and do everything with them now dad is there sole source of entertainment. Summer for them is over. Soon football and soccer games will dominate my weeknights and work will continue to dominate the rest of my time. I have no desire to meet anyone as I have many issues to work out about my ex. I hope everyone had/has an awesome summer.

A Month: WTH!!!

2010-05-18T03:13:00.000-07:00

Where has all the time gone? No one can tell me. Things are going pretty good, and they have been for a while now. I am still losing weight (now @ 93 lbs gone), still getting to work overtime, and enjoying my time with the boys. We went and seen Iron Man II this past weekend and it was AWESOME!!!! The trip was as much for me as it was for them. My youngest's ball games are over and my oldest only has about three more games left. There will be little down time because my oldest will start middle school football practice early into summer break. He had a little taste of what it was going to be like a couple of weeks ago. It didn't scare him off so that is a major plus. Like I said things seem to be going better. I have also been able to put a pair of khaki pants on!! SCORE!! That was like my first major goal to wear something besides jogging pants. I mean the mafia garb doesn't look that bad but hey a man has to look good every once and a while!! I hope everyone is doing good and everything is going their way!! Will post longer one later just wanted everyone to know I was alive and well!!

Sweet!

2010-04-16T04:09:00.000-07:00

This week has flown by! Work and more work along with sleep and a lit'l house work. Today is apparently laundry day because it looks as if I pulled the last pair of pants out of the chest of drawers. I have to work Saturday and I'm off after that. My oldest has a ball game tonight (Friday) and Saturday. The Ex has another wedding to do so I will have the boys most of the day Saturday. We are going to have a big family dinner Sunday in honor of my lit'l brother being home! Guess I'll have to cook something for that but that is no biggie for Chef Shane!! :-) Thought I would do a thankful list so here goes:

Overtime
My boys and their ball games.
Old friends and new friends
Walking my way to good health
Nice warm weather
Mo Mo is home for a couple of weeks.
Fresh sheets
Sweet text messages
All the atta boys I get!!
Laughing

Down 91 lbs this week when I weighed!

Time, Time, Time

2010-04-13T07:54:00.000-07:00

I have been getting plenty of time at work as of late and it's keeping my mind occupied. I did keep my boys last week for Spring break and we had a pretty good time. We went and watched Clash of The Titans in 3D and the boys really enjoyed it. I think what they enjoyed more was that their Uncle Mo-Mo was home from Iraq and they got to visit with him for a while. I told the boys that if all things line up in place this summer I will try and take them to see the space shuttle launch on the 29th of July. There are only about 4 left and I would really like for them to see one and I have never seen one in person so that would also be an experience for me. I have been walking a lot lately and getting out and trying to do more. A buddy of mine had a party over the weekend and I went over and cooked for everyone. It's been a while since I cooked for a large crowd and I forgot how much I really liked doing it. The food was good and everything turned out real well. I think I was the only "single" person there but it is something I will have to get used to. It was a fun evening with old friends so I enjoyed myself for a change. The boys games are starting back and they will be playing ball all the way up to school being let out for the summer. The boys both enjoy playing and I love to watch the youngest ones play. There is no ball hit that the whole field does not try and go get it!! On a side note I have lost 81 total lbs. and I am enjoying getting out and doing more. I wish I had done this years ago but it's better late that never. All I have got is TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Easter Sunday

2010-04-05T23:40:00.000-07:00

I got off work Saturday morning and drove to Wal-mart to get my shop on for the boys Easter buckets! I don't do baskets for the boys because well they are boys. I got them a butt load of candy, Iron man figures, Diary of A Wimpy Kid book, DVD player, Green Lantern movie, and a Justice League movie. They really flipped when I had it all laid out on the kitchen table that morning. I told them they could only have one piece of candy before breakfast and they didn't mind that at all. We loaded up in the truck to go get a biscuit and they asked if the Easter Bunny was going to go to mom's house too. I said of course. My oldest told me that was the best thing about having divorced parents two of everything. I'm glad he can have a since of humor about all this. The boys spent the night with me for the first time since I moved back into the old home place. I figured I would let the ex have a break and I knew she would be tired from shooting a wedding all day. We all three slept in the same bed and it's a little different sleeping with someone when you haven't slept with anyone in almost a year. My youngest had to sleep with his head on my belly and my oldest had running fits while he slept. WTF??? Since it is just me there I don't have cable or anything. No use having an extra bill if you don't have to. We watched Smallville on DVD and went to sleep around 1am. That way they would sleep late and I would get to sleep late too. I really enjoyed having them around they are fun and aggravating as hell sometimes but they bring life to the house. I even made my ex an Easter Basket!! I know some of you are thinking, "What A Chump"!!!!!!! Last year on Easter I had to work 12 hours and I came home and she had me a nice Easter bucket and I had her nothing. I felt bad for not having her nothing and told her she made me feel bad. That was not me talking but the tired I am ready to go to damn bed I should have gotten off my lazy ass and made her a basket self. So this year I made up for it. I got her a woven willow basket and put the grass in the bottom and gave her two books (Nora Roberts a fav of hers) a movie (Beaches), and a butt load of chocolate and other candies. A little card said, "I owed you this one", and that was it. No love, no I miss you, no I would walk through HELL with a gasoline g-string for another chance with you. Just Shane. That's all that's left.

New Beginning: Day 71

2010-03-25T02:28:00.000-07:00

Play Ball!!!!!!!!!! Baseball season has started and things have started popping around the house. I try and pick up my boys from school on the days they have practice and have them at the ball field with a snack and time to relax before starting. Since I have lost some weight I can get around ALOT better and I have even went with my youngest to the playground and pushed him on the swing for a while. Twice now!! Sad to say but a year ago that would have never happened. I was ashamed to go out in public. After practice the other day this one kid kept poking his dad and telling him look dad he is SOOOOOO FAT!! That's really no biggie you can't be as big as I am for as long as I have been without hearing everything under the sun. There is one kid at my son's school that comes and talks to me every time I come in. He is autistic and they say that I am the only parent that he ever talks to. He will stand beside me and talk to me and make funny faces. I think it is cute and I am flattered that he would show me so much attention. The other day when we left he was calling me GIANT!! Which he doesn't know any better and I like that name. My son said you don't get mad? I told him that at least he says it with a smile son, and he doesn't mean anything by it. A year ago things like that would paralyze me with fear and I wouldn't get out of the truck. In all honesty it wasn't to save me embarrassment but my wife and kids. But I found out that my boys could give to flips what dad looks like as long as he is around. As for my wife I will never know how what I'm doing now could have saved my marriage. I try no to focus on it much but I still go back to that day when the therapist asked my wife if she would give me six months to lose the weight and get to a better place and she it may take a year. My wife told her that, "I know I won't wait a year". Those words still replay in my head everyday. Every time I reach for something or start to stop for that biscuit it replays in my head. The boys and I got out in the yard last weekend and raked up a bunch of leaves to let the grass "breath" so it can grow along with the other plants and vines in the yard. Again that is something that would have never happened a year ago. So for now I am happy. Happy comes and goes but at least my good days out number my bad days now. Hope everyone is well!!!!

New Beginning: Day 58

2010-03-12T04:22:00.000-08:00

I have started something on my fridge at home to keep me motivated at the urging of a friend. I have "Why I Do It" written with those old timey magnetic alphabet letters. Along with that I have pictures of the boys up, a phrase I use all the time, and poems that keep me inspired. When I get it done I will take a picture of it and post it. I weighed in Monday and I am glad to announce that I have lost 51 pounds from the last I weighed and 71 from my heaviest. Woo Hoo. I can't keep my joggers up now. Every time I get up to go some where I have to have one hand holding on to my pants so no one sees the moon in the daytime. I thought I would start my Thankful List again so here is my thankful list for this Friday:

1. Pepto Bismol (eat one wrong thing and you need it)
2. Buy one get one half off Oil of Olay bodywash.
3. Huey Lewis and The News
4. Hulu
5. Losing weight and being more active.
6. Taking the boys to Chuck E Cheese.
7. Friends and Family
8. OT
9. My boys
10. Fintune

I hope everyone has an awesome weekend!!!!!

New Beginning: Day 49

2010-03-03T02:07:00.000-08:00

There are several firsts after a divorce or separation. The first birthday, anniversary, holiday, and the first time you see your ex with someone else. I thought this day would be on further down the road but it happened and I didn't explode but it was a lot for me to process. To my ex's credit she did call and tell me that she was bringing someone to my son's practise so I wouldn't be shocked. After practise the guy came up to my truck and introduced himself and told me that he was her friend and that was it. Yeah well I've heard that before about the other feller. I told him that he didn't owe me any explanation and he said he didn't want there to be any animosity, I'm sorry but that ship has already sailed along time ago. My ex told me they were going from the ball field to her mom's who had cooked for them. Funny she never cooked for me in the twelve years I was married to her daughter. I thought the last little bit was TMI but I think it is part of her shock and awe campaign. My oldest asked me the other day how come I wasn't dating and I told him it wouldn't be fair to the other person because I was still in love with his mom. Baseball season is upon us and Spring is near so I hope that I can keep my mind off things and not dwell on the negative. There is about a thousand things I want to do around the house and the yard needs attention bad. Plus I have yet to visit the building in the back yard so that will be an adventure unto itself. The diet is going good and I am waiting on warm weather to add walking to my daily routine. I am planning on walking in the morning with a co-worker and then in the evening with an old high school friend. I am hoping to get "high school skinny" by the end of summer. ☺ It is going to take a lot of will power and effort but I believe I can do it.

New Begining: Day 36

2010-02-18T03:59:00.000-08:00

Welp time is flying by now and I have been divorced for more than a month and the world is still rotating and I am still alive. I didn't die from heartache like I thought I would...came close a couple of times but no cigar. The boys and I have spent the last three days together because they were out of school for two days and then the Ex had court a couple of nights. They behaved pretty good and ate everything that wasn't tied down. I mean I bought a box of Little Debbie Swiss Rolls and they were gone in one day. Really a half a day. At least they were good and sugared up for their Mom. I also got a root canal on Tuesday and that sucked ass big time. I hate a toothache more than any other kind of pain. The whole left side of my face was throbbing like a mother huncher!!!! I called early that day and they worked me in. The first thing this girl done a x-ray and the dentist stop by and said mmmm....yep there it is and gave me a shot. An hour later he came by and started drilling and I was like WTF!!! He said mmmm...that's not numb yet? YA THINK!! Nah I'm just doing the chair dance for the hell of it!!! After about 12 (no lie) more shots it was finally numb enough to drill and fix. I hate going to the dentist but my tooth didn't hurt. UNTIL the novacaine wore off. Then I took two oxycodone to help. Well that was just a little more than I was used to taking and I got pretty hammered. That would have been alright but I was at work. So rapid boys on a Swiss Roll binge and a root canal. Could be worse.

New Begining: Day 29

2010-02-11T04:04:00.000-08:00

I was talking to a friend the other night while we were eating and the bill came and I got it. She said no I told you that I was going to get it this time you don't have that much money remember. I told her, "I've had money ever since I knew what money was" darling. She said I've never heard that before. I went on to tell her it was one of the many sayings my dad had. My dad passed away 5/1/2000 and left a huge whole in my family. None of us knew how to deal with his death, especially mom. It wasn't long after dad's death that mom and I got into it and didn't speak for a long time. I loved my dad very much and although I don't think he was ever proud of me I know he loved me. Everyone, including me, called my dad Hog. I could call him daddy all day long and he wouldn't answer. If I ever called him Hog he would look at me and say what you want boy? He was also a deacon of the church and that made for some interesting teen years conversations for me. He was a good man and he was a fair man. I got my work ethic from him and I always thought that I would be married till death do us part like he and mom was. Dad had a lot of sayings and I thought I would share a few of them with y'all!

Dad: Boy you know the only place you'll see one of these? (while making a muscle)
Son: No
Dad: On a box of Arm n Hammer Baking Soda

Son: I'm feeling froggy today old man.
Dad: Well jump up on this and crow for a while boy! (while making the Arm n Hammer muscle)

Son: How does that look daddy? (while building something)
Dad: Looks good nail'er!

Son: Daddy you got any money?
Dad: Boy I've had money ever since I knew what money was!
or
Dad: Boy I've had money ever since I was nine years old.

Dad: You going to church this weekend?
Son: Nope got to have that money! The Bible says you can work on Sunday as long as your ox is in the ditch.
Dad: Ain't no sign you go out there every Saturday night and throw it in there either.

Dad: I can't get a long with that person for nothing.
Son: The Bible says you have to love everybody daddy.
Dad: True son but it doesn't say anything about liking them.

Son: I'm going to do it. I'm just going to do it.
Dad: Whatever son, make it light on yourself.

Dad: It's better to be silent and thought a fool than to speak up and remove all doubt.

Thus ends my sampling of "Hogisms". Just little nuggets of what I grew up with.

New Begining: Day 20

2010-02-02T03:43:00.000-08:00

The birthday was terrific!! My boys and I went out to eat with my sister at Big John's Dawg House and we had a good time. The boys bought me a cool card and they both signed it. My oldest apologized because they didn't have me a gift but he said his mom told him they didn't have any money. I told him that spending time with him was gift enough for me!! My sister got me a Stephen King book, candle, large lighter, pen set, and a swiffer duster!! The candle and lighter was more for me and my friend because she likes the house to smell good and I didn't have a lighter because I don't smoke. When the ex dropped off the boys she dropped off a box of junk she had taken by mistake. In the box was a little box of letters that I had written to girls in high school. Read a few and it brought back a lot of memories. After the she picked the boys up I went and picked up JD who was taking me out to eat for my birthday supper. As an aside my ex never told me happy birthday. No biggie but my oldest caught on to it. She doesn't win many points with him lately. Back on point, my friend and I sit and talked in the truck about her problems for about an hour before going it to wait an hour to eat. Note to self always check in first then do your talking. We had a good meal at Outback and she kept threatening to get them to sing to me. I told her go ahead pay back is hell and her birthday is only like a week away!! After supper we went back to my house for a while and had a piece of the birthday cake she got me and watched Beverly Hill Chihuahua. Since she is such a dog lover she loved the movie. Of course as usual I gave her a foot rub while we watched the movie. I don't know why I do it because about fifteen minutes into the massage she is out like a light but I really like to see her nodding off that means I'm doing a good job. The night got cut short because I had to go into work but I had a very good day and didn't miss my ex that much. She always done birthdays up big. This year it wasn't that bad. Thanks to good friends, and family!!

New Begining: Day 16

2010-01-29T03:53:00.000-08:00

Got to looking at my titles and thought that separation no longer fit the bill. I was hoping that I would never see 10 then 20 then 50 and I thought for certain that I would be back home in my warm bed lying next to a beautiful, loving wife by day 100. It didn't work out that way so here I am. Still a little bitter, still break down and cry some days...well most days...but I am getting by. I try to do my best as I always have. An update on the diet front is things are going good. I am sticking to my plan. It is hard as hell especially when you have co-workers bring in pizza, cookies, and cakes to tempt you with. I am on the Medifast plan. It is basically about 1000 calorie diet and you have one "home cooked" meal a day. The rest of the meals are pre portioned oatmeal, soups, shakes, and bars. Every morning I have to fight the small voice inside me begging me to stop and get a gravy biscuit with a side of bacon. Damn just typing that makes my mouth water. The first goal I have is not a set amount of weight. It is to wear pants again. Before all the weight gain I wore khaki pants everyday. I just like khaki. For going on two years now I have had to wear jogging pants. I know so cliche. My first goal is to put on a pair of khaki pants with some nice shoes and go out somewhere I haven't felt comfortable going in joggers. You can't go to church in jogging pants, it's just not respectful, and I'm not just trying to get out of church. So when the khaki's come on then I have made it to my first goal. Thought since it was Friday I would post ten things that have made me happy thus far:

Blogging Awards- Go Shane! It's your birthday.
Coincidentally it is my birthday tomorrow!!
Spending time with my boys aka the Turd Birds.
Spending time with friends.
Still getting overtime.
Diet is going good with no major slips.
Nice quiet house with warm blankets.
Little more pep in my step.
Green Olives
My Lady Gaga cd. (guilty pleasure)

Separation: Day 215

2010-01-24T21:57:00.000-08:00

Woo Hoo!! I have been given my second award! Just when I thought no one was reading! Bam! Out of no where two awards!!! This one is from Tony at Nut in a Lifeshell. I have to list ten things that make me happy and then list ten bloggers! So lets see if there are ten things that make me happy:

Clear star filled nights. (Used to care less but now it means a lot)
A babies laugh or smile or giggle.
Cooking for a big crowd of people.
Making someone else happy.
Hearing my boys tell me that they love their "Sweet Daddy".
Working
Writing blogs and poetry.
Reading all of my blogging buddies posts.
Time with my friends.
Someone, anyone to tell me that they love me and mean it.

And now for ten Bloggers:

This is the Happy Award! All of the blogs and more (of course) give me happiness everyday!!

Separation: Day 213

2010-01-22T03:44:00.001-08:00

Tammy at Tammy's Tale gave me an award!! Part of the award I have to divulge seven things about me!! Seven things about myself that I haven't already told you about. Hmmm...might be hard. So here goes my seven things:

I am the oldest child on both sides of the family. Therefore I was spoiled big time!
I work at a marble plant in Georgia. We ship to paint, sheet-rock, shingle, plastic, water treatment, chicken feed plants all over the United States. You know the chewing gum you eat? It has marble dust on it. The Tum, Tum, Tums you pop after a big bowl of chili have marble dust in them. Some of the water you drink may be run through some of our marble chips to purify it. The roads you drive on there is marble dust in the paint! So just a short lesson.
I have been a senior in college since 1995 and am only seven classes shy of a degree in Social Science.
I set out to be a teacher but couldn't afford to take the time off of work to student teach.
I have lived in my current house for over two years and have never step foot in the storage building.
I once got the breaks suspended for the whole high school for throwing a potato up against the wall. Unfortunately for me it stuck. Once I was "outed" I had to apologize before the whole school.
I call my boys Big Turd and Little Turd, aka the Turdies, or Turd Birds.

There it is!! Seven things! Seven things that you didn't know! Now you know. Thanks Tammy for the award and thanks to everyone for reading!!

Separation: Day 209

2010-01-18T03:30:00.000-08:00

Last Wednesday was one long mother hunching day!! I was up for about twenty-six hours. The divorce is final. She is no loner married to me and she is free to follow her destiny. I wish her luck! 8/ I can see clearly now the snow is gone!! School was closed for five days!! The snow from my front yard finally melted and I can see my walkway again. My oldest come and spent the day with me and we worked in the basement for a while going through some of the stuff my ex left. She left a lot, a lot, a lot. JD is big time into crafting (or so she says) so she will inherit the bulk of the frilly girly stuff. Speaking of JD we met the other night and had supper at this Italian place it was pretty good and as always we set and talk for hours and then followed each other home. While we were waiting on a table to open up this woman came up to JD and asked her if she was a hairdresser (Loved IT!!) and commented that she liked the boots she was wearing. I just had made the comment that they looked like zebra skinned hooker boots (in all fairness I call all high heeled boots hooker boots). JD was really happy about that and just beamed!! Anyway....then she came back out and stuck her hand out. I took her hand and she started rubbing my hand and told me that she knew how hard it was to lose weight?! What?! Rude much?! She was really sweet though (and drunk as hell) and proceeded to rub my chest and give me testimony of her weight loss trials and then gave me a big long hug. Aweee! I told JD damn I probably could have went home with her!! Wait!! TAXI!!!!!! Back to the basement my oldest and I found all kind of good music for me to listen to. RHCP's, STP, Pearl Jam, Soundgarden, Temple of the Dog, Oasis, Beastie Boys, Beetles, Huey Lewis, Bob Segar and the list goes on and on. There was a lot of stuff I forgot I had and a lot of stuff I wish I'd lost. All in all it was a good day and I took my oldest out for Mexican afterwards for helping out. My youngest was at home with his mom because he was sick. When my ex came my youngest came in laid in bed with me for a few minutes and didn't want to leave. That really sucked!! Well all is well with me as far as everything else goes. I have some extra worries because the judge granted the ex's request for more child support than what I said I could afford. She told the judge that my mitigating circumstances was based solely upon emotions and not financial reality. I would like very much to send a shout out to Rockstar for giving so much advice and showing me love on her blog. Also to Tammy's Tale for giving me an award!!! Woo Hoo!!! I would like to thank the academy....More on it tomorrow. Thanks Tammy and Rockstar.

Separation: Day 202

2010-01-11T05:02:00.000-08:00

The great Blizzard of 2010 is still ravaging Pickens County. The whopping 2 inches of snow we got shut down the school system for two and a half days and caused multiple accidents. Emergency crews were begging people to stay home unless it was life or death. The only things you seen on the road were four wheelers and other off road vehicles and they were going for milk, bread, eggs and beer. Hand to GOD I seen two people in full camo outside a liquor store on their Kawasaki Mule. I had to call in the first day because I couldn't get out of my sub-division and the second day I left eight hours early to go 9.5 miles. When I got home I pulled down next to the basement and....wait for it...wait for it...got stuck in my driveway!! So there I was stuck at home with nothing to eat but grits and Mike's Hard Lemonade. My wife came over and parked next to the road and cleaned out "her part" of the basement. So I reckon she is officially gone. Just before we are officially divorced. The house is shaping up a little bit now. I think my friend said she was going to come over tonight and "drink, watch a movie, and or decorate". I told her we could do all three. My youngest lost his first tooth over the weekend and he was so excited. My wife sent me a picture of him smiling. I broke down Sunday and sent my wife a message and thanked her for the best twelve years of my life, that my biggest regret was losing her, and that I would always love, want and need her. I also told her that as much as we were running in opposite directions from each other now that I hoped someday things would be better. Her response was I am coming to get the rest of my stuff today. I am really excited about seeing my friend, haven't seen her since the 27th of December. So heres hoping!!

Separation: Day 196

2010-01-05T02:12:00.000-08:00

Damn it boy!!!! It is colder than a well diggers ass down here. Eighteen frick fracking degrees and the cold air that is coming under my office door is freezing my footsies off!! I know, I know, cry me a river, but I hate cold weather. They say fat people don't get cold. They LIED!! Plus I hate to wear coats. My mom had to force me to wear one when I was little and when I got old enough to make that decision for myself I never wear one. My excuse was that I would walk from a warm truck to a warm building I didn't need a coat. I'm about to rethink my coat wearing ways. The house is empty. The ex has about a half a load left of stuff (upstairs) and some cleaning to do before she gives me the green light. I was over there last night and she came to get another load so I left and went back to my sister's place. There was something about her carrying her stuff out while I was there that was messing me up. I went over there the other night and set and cried for about an hour just looking at the empty house and remembering the past. My friend called right in the middle of it and I couldn't speak so she told me to call her back when I could talk. The boys tickle me they are excited but they hide it well because they don't want me to think that they enjoy the new place. My oldest told me tonight my brothers room is s-m-a-l-l and my youngest looked at him and said yeah bubba that mean little. I about fell out of the big blue chair. We lived at the place for two years and never painted the first wall. The whole place was one boring color. So now that the place is empty I am going to get it painted. My friend has promised that she can work miracles that all I have to do is set a budget. There is so much that I have to buy first though. My ex got the washer, microwave, the FLAT SCREEN (just kill me now), and her dresser. I told her she could have her nightstand table but she said it was in the agreement that it was mine. She also got everything out of the boys rooms so if they come over anytime soon it's either a pallet on the floor or sleep with daddy. I don't know where to go from here now. I mean I was used to seeing her pretty much everyday but now I really don't have to see her again. I mean I can drop the boys off and not see her, she can pick them up and not see me. January 13th will be the end of it all, our marriage anyway. We will forever be in each others lives like it or not.

Separation: Day 193

2010-01-02T00:28:00.000-08:00

It's been a while! My Christmas was all about the boys this year! I went shopping the Wednesday before Christmas and scored big time at Toys R Us. The boys were real impressed. My oldest told me that my gifts were the best but not to tell his mom he said that. I got my youngest some lego sets, action figures, and two Justice League movies. My oldest got Madden 10, Star Wars Unleashed for the Wii, and Family Guy Star Wars movie. I got them both a minature WWE wrestling ring with twelve mini-figures, and the coupe de grace a Punjabi Prison Match wrestling ring!! Daddy was king for the day!!! They were even more impressed when they found out I done all the shopping. I usually got my sissy to do it, but this year I wanted to show that I am the man!! Anyway....we went to eat at Cracker Barrel for my side of the families get together. We had a good time everyone got good gifts and I got to hold the new nephew for a while. When we were leaving I let the boys pick out gifts for their mom from the gift shop, and I found my friend a couple of things!! My sister surprised me Christmas with a stocking filled with M&M stuff, a Jason Aldean cd and a Dean Koontz book. Score!! The only thing I thought we weren't getting each other anything so hers had to wait.My friend and I got together the Saturday after Christmas and was supposed to exchange gifts but by the time we got home about 1:30am we were too pooped to exchange and promised to do it Sunday. So Sunday we met and ate at the Canton House and had sizzling rice soup (her), hot and sour soup (me), fried won tons, crab rangoons (her), General Tso's Chicken (me). It is awesome food! Then we went to the Dairy Queen and got her a banana split? WTH? Then up to the lookout to stargaze for a while. She got me a bunch of M&M stuff, a Lady Gaga cd, a book, bath brush, Yankee Candle air freshener for my truck, a Jeff Dunham dvd, and two crazy/sweet cards. I got her a snowman stocking filled with chocolate covered almonds, two bags of cheeze its, airheads, Golden Girls Season 1, Moonlighting Season 1&2, a Friendship Angel and a tiny Disney Fairy Princess flashlight for her key chain. She loved it and couldn't believe I done as good as I did. I had the week after Christmas off and didn't do anything but eat some Wendy's and watch Burn Notice on New Year's Eve. :( I did talk to my friend daily and kept her apprised of my goings on. My soon to be ex has started moving out and the house is empting out by the day. The boys are excited and my youngest calls their new place a hotel. As an aside on the weight front. When I hit the scales tonight it looks like I have lost about 38 lbs since I started. :)

Separation: Day 178

2009-12-18T03:23:00.000-08:00

It's Friday again. Damn didn't I just post this about two days ago?? Got to see JD tonight!! Woo Hoo!! First time I have seen her since the first of the month. We talk and text everyday but there is only so much you can talk and text about. We had good conversation over Mexican food and a couple of drinks. Hers was the alcohol kind and mine was sweet tea. I have just a few more days to enjoy the sweet tea because next week I start a medically supervised weight loss program. One of the things that the Ex was adamant about was that I had to lose weight. Both the marriage councilor and the personal councilor told me that a lot of my issues were due to my weight. I'm not going to go into numbers here lets just say that it will be a significant loss. It was always my plan to find a Dr. that would take interest in me and take me under their wing and help. So now I have found that Dr. and I am hoping for some good results. He told me that if I ate the meal plan and took the meds that I should lose 30-60 lbs. a month. He told me that I could do that for about six months and then look at where we are at. I know you all are sitting there with your jaws dropped thinking WTF that's a lot of weight. Like I said I'm not going into numbers. When I no longer look like the Jabba The Gut I will post some before and after pictures. I didn't want to mention anything about my weight in this blog but since this will be a big part of my life then I thought I should mention it. You know when I started talking about all the hoochie momma's I'm dating your going to know something is up! ;) So if your a praying person pray that I will maintain the program and succeed. If your not a praying person an atta boy every now and again wouldn't hurt. So without further ado here is what I'm thankful for:

Little Christmas bonus
Good Dr.'s visit
Spending time with JD (wasn't enough though)
Getting some on-line shopping done
Company Dinners (not that I'm a company man)
Blogging Buddies
My boys
Iron Man 2 trailer
Got my "How to be a divorced father class" over with
I was able to help my Grandma W. out with a sliced country ham.

Hope everyone has a kick ass, Capri Sun laced with vodka, eharmony, out of tune, nerd cop dating, shredding, and smoked meat weekend!!!!!

Separation: Day 174

2009-12-14T02:21:00.000-08:00

Last weekend I went to church. For most of you this is an every weekend deal. It used to be for me. My dad was a deacon of the church. My mom and dad didn't believe in divorce. I don't either but it only takes one for a divorce. I always prided myself for being a good man. A good man in the sense that I was a good provider, never cheated on my wife, never lost my temper, never berated or cussed my wife, good father to my boys. I always thought in that way I was a lot like my father. It wasn't till after church last weekend after all the church ladies came and gave me hugs and told me that they loved me and appreciated me coming that one lady stood out. She gave me a hug and said you remind me of your daddy. I was dumbfounded. I didn't know what to say. Later when I went to see my grandmother in the nursing home and told her what the lady said she told me you remind me a lot of your daddy. So all this time I was hoping I wasn't letting the memory of my father down that I was doing a pretty good job of maintaining it. "A Life Apart" is not only about divorce it's also about being a young man without both parents to lean on and plunder their knowledge of life lessons. There is no doubt in my mind that had both my parents been living that I wouldn't be going through a divorce. I loved and miss my parents and hope that someday I can feel like I have done them proud.

Separation: Day 171

2009-12-11T03:06:00.000-08:00

It's Friday!!! Friday! F.R.I.D.A.Y!! Which don't mean a damn thing to me since I have to work Saturday!! Honestly and truly most my days are like Mondays anyway. That is what I tell everyone that comes in and says "well at least it's Friday". Really? All I know is Mondays now sign your paperwork and have a coke and a smile. :) Nah, not really. But I sure am thinking it. Welp I guess JD is leaving tonight for the Magic Kingdom. Haven't seen her since last Tuesday and I am starting to miss her a wee bit. I've had to work a little OT this week and last week and was informed the other day that we would be open for the rest of the month except for holidays. Which is good because I have five days of vacation left!!! Woo Hoo!! Vacation sucks now because I used to save my days off to be with my wife. Well unbeknownst to me while I was planning my vacations for her she was planning her exit strategy. Phase one: Break his heart and shatter it into a thousand pieces, then grind it in a coffee grinder, make some heartache coffee and use it for an enema. Phase two: blame him for everything and deny, deny, deny. Phase three: get a divorce and take him for half what he makes a month. Give her a big Borat SUCCESS!! I'm not bitter, really I'm not. ;p Without further pause here is a thankful list:

Not getting laid off for Christmas.
Going to watch old Christmas movies with JD.
G Force (got to watch that with my boys while the ex was out)
Steak fingers with mashed potatoes and gravy!! Awesome meal!!
Sweet Tea (for you Yankees that is tea with sugar in it) :)
West Wing DVD complete series my brother sent me from Iraq!!
Got to see Micah this week, he was testy but cute.
Went to church and didn't burst into flames.
My kick ass cell phone
OT

Separation: Day 168

2009-12-08T01:33:00.000-08:00

Welp it won't be long now. This time of year is turning out harder than I thought it would be. My wife was putting out all the decorations the other day when I went to take a shower. Every year we were together she bought us an ornament for the tree. I remember them all and looked forward to seeing what she got us each year. Sadly they didn't make the tree this year. When the boys came along she got them each one for every year. We had a pretty big tree and she loved to do all the decorations. She was a Jehovah Witness when she was little and she didn't get to celebrate Christmas for a long time. The first year we were married we had a tree in the dining room and I bought her a bicycle. Those were the days. I loved to buy her lots of things. Things she needed and things she didn't know she needed. :) Just like when I was growing up our stockings were the best thing to get. We always put a prize in them and filled them with our favorite candy. Everything she learned about holiday traditions she learned from my family. We had a tradition in my family that the first person to yell "Christmas Eve Gift" got to open a present on Christmas eve. The running joke Dad always said if you open one you won't have one to open on Christmas morning. I made homemade hot chocolate and she would make monkey bread. After the kids were born we wouldn't get in bed till late in the morning. One year we bought my youngest a train table and we had to set up the table and the train. Santa was one tired mo-frigger the next morning. Then I would write each of the boys a letter and tell them how good a boy they had been and to help their mother more and clean their rooms!!! None of that will happen this year. I don't have the Christmas spirit. My wife robbed me of that when she fell for another man and then blamed me for the failure of our marriage. My oldest told me the other day that he bet that my wife could make me happy for Christmas and I told him I thought it was passed that for us. I hate having those feelings and I really would try again but it would be a long hard road. ANYWAY I am thankful for the boys and glad that they bring me much joy and consternation.

Separation: Day 164

2009-12-04T01:44:00.000-08:00

Today I was supposed to go to a court mandated class to learn how to be a parent. I have only been one for ten years now so you would think that I'd have the hang of it by now. That is just my case though I am sure everybody knows somebody that needs this class. First off it is a class that everyone in the state of Georgia has to take when getting a divorce (if they have kids). So it's not like they are questioning my parenting skills they just want my fifty bucks. Just another expense I can chalk up to the soon to be ex. Anyway....I left the house with plenty time to spare to get to the meeting. I had printed directions, GPS, directions from a cop, and a lifeline (my friend was a phone call away). Guess what? I never found the mo-flippin place and I was like majorly pissed. I was looking at myself in the rear view cussing myself for everything I was worth. I actually felt kinda bad when I got done with all that cussing. Because there was several good words I left out!!!! So I missed this date. A hour over there and a hour back. Half tank of gas blowed all to hell and back!! There are so many things I am putting off that when I stop to think about it I get sick.

Selling my company stock so I can pay for divorce and refi the house.
Refi the house so I can tell the ex to sign here, here, here, and here. Now get the fuck out!!
Get the oil changed in my truck, so I don't have to walk everywhere I go.
Do some Christmas shopping. With my looks apparently.
Get my boys for more than a couple of hours.
Go see my Grandma P. in the nursing home. I mean I am her favorite.
Do something with my friend before I lose her to the magic of Disney World.
Take movies back.
Wash clothes.
Cook a meal instead of eating out!!!

To top it all off a little TMI is that I haven't had...well you know...in 193 days!! WTH!!! I guess I should go ahead and take my vows and put on the robe. White collar here I come.

Separation: Day 163

2009-11-30T03:13:00.000-08:00

Wth!!! I had to get up and come to work! Four days off in a row will make me lazy and broke! This was the first Thanksgiving in about 14 years that I didn't spend with my wife and family. I got up and went to see New Moon with my sissy and her friend. I told my buddy that I went to see the movie and he said I didn't realize you were a 14 year old girl!!! After the movie and a pit stop I went to eat at said friends house and play some poker. Texas hold'em that is. Was doing pretty good and then the wheels came off and I enjoyed being the dealer the rest of the game. My friend waited to the last minute to text to see if I was doing something and I wasn't going to bail on my other friend at the last minute so we promised each other rain checks. Friday I watched Lonesome Dove all the way through and went to get my check deposited and drop off the ransom at my old place. My friend and I went to a Mexican restaurant up north and then came back by the scenic overpass and star gazed for a while. Again we had an awesome meal and conversation under the stars. We always find out something new about each other and apparently nothing is off limits. Damn it! I got the boys Saturday and took them to see Planet 51. It was a good cartoon and you know I had to take my youngest by Burger King so he could get the latest toy from said movie. We met my friends with the boys there and everyone had a good time and we promised to do it again real soon. The boys were well behaved the whole time and I dropped them off back at the house and gave the soon to be ex a courtesy wave back. My friend and I decided that we liked the stars so much Friday night that we would try it Saturday too. Only one problem, there were no blasted stars the sky was overcast. Luckily we went to another scenic outlook and could see lights all the way to Atlanta. We went by Dairy Queen first and got some supper and my friend had some Chardonnay left from the night before and we ate, drank and talked. Well she cried in her Chardonnay and I cried in my diet Pepsi. We parted with big hugs and a promise to text and talk later. Woo Hoo!! Sunday my buddy called me real early and wanted to go watch a movie. So I went for the third time and seen Where the Wild Things Are. After the movie we went to 5 Guys Burgers and man oh man it was good, damn good, slap your granny good. It was so good it would make your tongue slap your brains out! Damn It Boy good!!!! I stopped by Pets Smart and got my friend's dog a present it was his birthday. (Really the first time I have ever done something like that) Anyway that brings the holiday weekend to a close. Leasure time ended at 11:30 pm Sunday for me. Hope everyone had a super holiday and enjoyed their family time.

Separation: Day 153

2009-11-23T02:09:00.000-08:00

January 11th will be the day I thought would never come. It is the day I never saw coming. It is the day I always thought couldn't happen to a hard working, dedicated, doting husband. When I got married I fully intended on being married till death did us part. The pain is still fresh, too new to describe. I am learning to cope with the help of a friend, but she is like a fire blanket, once she is not around to smother the pain it's embers reignite. My wife told me the other day after I signed the last of the divorce papers that it would be final in January. She has no remorse her voice didn't crack and I thought I even detected some relief. After all is said and done I will have been separated from her for 202 days. Pretty much goes to show you that you can never know someone completely. She used to tell me that there was no one she loved more than me and would never leave me unless I cheated on her. She never lied to me and was always open and honest about what she was feeling. Somewhere along the way she changed and I didn't notice. I guess in a way I put too much faith in her, my happiness in life was too dependent upon her. So here goes my Thankful list:

My new kick ass cell phone.
Not getting laid off this week.
Coupon for a free ham! Woo Hoo!!
Get to keep my boys some this week.
Bojangles Breakfast.
Good friends in HR.
Meeting some friends for supper Tuesday.
The Goods: Live Hard, Sell Hard (awesome movie)
Lifehouse, Theory of A Deadman
My boys

Separation: Day 148

2009-11-18T03:40:00.000-08:00

I got a new phone. Woo Hoo! After months of salivating over this phone on Amazon I walked into my local At&t store and bought it. Bam! Just like that! I even sprung for a 4gig memory card so I don't every have to erase my text messages again!! MMMuuuuaaaahhhhh!! So JD can text to her hearts content and I am set. Plus I went ahead and told them to give me unlimited internet so I could check my blog and email on the go. The phone is SWEEEEEEEEEET!!!

Separation: Day 146

2009-11-16T03:57:00.000-08:00

Woo Hoo!! The weekend has come and gone and I feel like it is Wednesday! The wife finally gave me back the divorce papers for another pass. I am going to return them to her for another pass. We are still hung on child support and how much I have got to pay. I don't care to do my part but I don't feel like it's my responsibility to keep her up too. Anyway if it is too much for her then she can always come back home. JD and I met after she got off work Friday and had some supper. That is becoming our thing lately. We have met the last three or four Fridays and had supper. This time she wanted to try a place with "atmosphere" and somewhere she could get a drink. Well I found a place and it was empty so I had to be the atmosphere and she got a dirty martini and a sex on the beach. I had never had a martini (dirty or otherwise) and she gave me a taste. Pretty good. If you like olives, which I do. Again we set and closed the place down and had an awesome conversation. I told her stories from my past that she hadn't heard from mutual friends already and she listened like I was the radio from the thirties. We parted with a big hug and a promise to text later. Saturday I had the boys all day because the soon to be ex had a wedding to do. She dropped the boys off at my sisters house and I slept till about 3pm, because I didn't get in bed till 10am. The boys spent the night after getting movies and Wendy's (me and the oldest) and McDonalds (the youngest). We got home and watched "I Love You Beth Cooper" and my youngest watched Scooby Doo on the laptop. This is a partial catch up so here is my Thankful List:

Jay Z: BP3
Saturday with my boys
Friday with JD
Second round of divorce papers
Got to see Micah (new nephew)
Smores Pop Tarts
OT
Wii
Quick Wit
Patience

Separation: Day 136

2009-11-07T02:04:00.000-08:00

The weekend!!! Wait a tick, I have to pull twelve hours shifts all weekend! :)/:( Happy and sad about that I need the money so I can pay ransom and I won't get to see my BFF. This week has gone by in a flash. It seems like yesterday I was starting out the week. All I have done pretty much all week is sleep and rest. I did cook some beef tips and rice the other day with some super groovy gravy. My sister seemed to like it. Well I said seemed to because all I could hear was nomnomnomnom!!! I went out with my friend last night. I just suggested pizza and then we started the whole conversation about what, where, who, and when. I mentioned it and at first she was against it and then decided she wanted Pizza Hut. So we went to Pizza Hut and had one of the best pizzas I have had in a long time. Again we set and talked to the place nearly closed. We never seem to run out of things to talk about. I tell her things that I haven't thought about in years. We really learn something new about each other every time we are together. After leaving I went straight home to get my nap on before having to go to work. It is a nasty habit I've started but every night I have to get a nap before going into work. My sister had even saved me a piece of caramel cake and I ate it on the way to work because of the nap. Last night was a pretty good night. I got to see my boys, my wife hasn't returned the divorce papers yet, and I got to see my friend. So here is a list about things I am thankful for:

Pizza/Chinese (it brings friends together)
My boys football season is over (more time for us)
No therapy for three weeks, and I am still sane.
Maxim Magazine (the closest thing I'll get to holding a woman)
My osculating heater
Pop Candy, Eat Me Daily, Huffington Post (keeps me informed)
Phone call from my brother in Kuwait
My boy had only one C on his report card the rest B's (still room for improvement)
Jericho
Naps

Separation: Day 133

2009-11-04T01:48:00.000-08:00

Since my last post:

Friday: My BFF came over after work for some take-out Mexican and some good dinner conversation. After dinner we set around the heater while she hoovered two fruit roll-ups like it was her job. Afterwards her whole mouth and tongue were blue! Ewwww! I think she is doing a lot better and she has started eating a lot more. She keeps telling me that she is getting fat and she is a size zero. Seriously! WTH! Is that even a size? I later txt her good night and went to work!! Yea OT!!!

Saturday: I went and got some breakfast and sit in the driveway at the house and txt my BFF good morning. I always txt her good morning and good night. I set in the driveway because that is the only place I have "more bars". :) Then well that is all I remember till about midnight when my sister came home. I got up fixed me up two wish sandwiches (wish I had something to go between two pieces of bread) and went back to bed!! About 12 hours sleep all day!! Woo Hoo! Go Shane! Get your sleep on!! My boy lost his game. :( But he made it to the "big show" though!!

Sunday: I got up early after all that sleep from the day before. I went over to the house and took a long hot shower and watched the boys while the soon to be ex went grocery shopping. While she was out I decided to take the turdies to see Astro Boy. I know your thinking a grown man taking his boys to see a cartoon? All I have to say is hellz yeah!! It was awesome! To make it even better we went by McDonalds on the way home and got....wait for it.....wait for it.....Astro Boy toys!!!!!!!!!!!!! My youngest got Astro Boy (thank GOD) and my oldest got Zog. After I dropped the boys I txt my BFF and:

Me: Chinese?
BFF: No, try again. Face broke out don't want any MSG.

Me: Olive Garden.
BFF: Um, no. Try again.

Me: Your turn, I am 0-2.
BFF: Chinese?

Me: WTH!! You said no!
BFF: But I really want some sizzling rice soup now! You should be happy it was your first choice!

Me: Where do we go?
BFF: Don't know. Want to watch a movie too so I guess we'll head south.

At this point I picked up the phone and called her because I was tired of texting. She was like What?! What do you want?! I'm cleaning my room. We'll talk in a bit give me an hour. I admit I was a little off put by this and I was like WTF!!! Then I seen a text she had sent before I called:

BFF: I guess we can decide all this later technically! ;-p
Me: I guess that is a polite way of telling me to leave you alone your busy?

BFF: ;-p hell u know me by now. I'd have just said that if I meant it!

BFF: Love U!! Just case u forgot!

After that all was well with the world again. We decided to eat Chinese and as we were walking in she said I hope they have Chinese decorations. We walked in and it was as plain jane as you could get. She asked if I wanted to go somewhere else. I was like no let's give it a chance. Well the food more than made up for the lack of decorations. She got her sizzling rice soup (the bowl was as big as Jethro's cereal bowl). The meal was super delicious and by the time we got through talking and eating we missed the movie.

Monday: Work, sleep, eat and txt BFF!

Tuesday: Work. Got up early because BFF called and talked to me and then I got ready and picked up my boys from after school. My youngest had a soccer game and then I took my oldest to get them some supper. Took a nap and woke up to a barrage of messages from my son and BFF. Off to work and that is where I am at now.

I know this was a riveting account and you were glued to your seat!! It's just good to be happy for a day or two and not have always being a moaning myrtle!!

Separation: Day 129

2009-10-30T03:47:00.000-07:00

Last night I took my oldest to football practice on a baseball field so they could practice up into the night because the field had lights. WTH!! He is ten years old. He is not in highschool. Come on people he has to get some sleep and do homework. My youngest and my soon to be ex-wife showed up after his soccer match and watched the rest of his practice. My youngest and his little girlfriend climbed in the truck with me and jammed out. The little girl asked me what I was going to be for Halloween and I told her a worker I reckon. She seen the hard hat and had to try it on with the safety glasses. Then she wanted me to wear it and see if my eyes would cross with the glasses on. They would. Then she wanted to see if hers would cross when she had the glasses on. They did. She was going as Miley Cyrus and my youngest is going as Ben 10. But guess what? The playoff game is on Saturday so neither one of my boys is going to go trick or treating. That has got to suck for them. I have to work tonight and then the rest of the weekend is mine. Woo Hoo. My new BFF is supposed to be cooking something up for us to do so who knows what I will end up into. Here goes my Thankful list:

Unlimited texting! (Without this I would be frigged)
My boys love their Sweet Daddy!!
Jericho (late to the game on this one but a good show, anything with Major Dad in it is good)
Biscuits (sausage, gravy, ham-n-cheese, bacon-n-cheese)
Honey Nut Cheerios
My new BFF, she is there to help cheer me up whenever I am down which is a lot!
A lawyer friend who gave me FREE advice.
My Sissy Poo (she puts up with her brother and takes up for him and cares for him)
My oldest made it to the playoffs!!!!
My BBs.

Separation: Day 128

2009-10-29T03:38:00.000-07:00

I went to see a lawyer yesterday to get him to go over the papers and explain them to me and make sure there wasn't anything I was overlooking. Turns out she was pretty close on the child support so I guess I will be broke pretty much the next fourteen years. I told him about a few things I wanted to add and he said all I had to do was tell her I wanted it added before signing the papers. So I guess I am on the way to divorce. I picked up my boys at after school yesterday and was going to take them out to eat but my youngest pitched a fit. He didn't want anything to eat so I took them home and waited on my wife to show up and left my youngest with her while the oldest and I went out to eat at Big John's Dawg House. MMMMMMM.......Hot wings! MMMMMM....Chili cheese fries. It was an awesome meal and we had some good talks about everything. I went out to eat with my friend (really becoming BFF, sounds too feminine to say) and I gave her a book to read Facing Your Giants, gave her a quart jar of sorghum syrup, and the bootleg copy of the Hangover. Damn she thought it was Christmas! The book was a gift from my wife and was meant to be an inspiration for me to change. Guess I missed that boat. :) ANYWAY, all is well and work is holding out and I get to work a little overtime this week. Woo Hoo!! My oldest won his football game last weekend and now they are going to the playoffs! Go Green Dragons!!

Separation: Day 124

2009-10-25T02:15:00.000-07:00

No one knows at what point their life will change. Six months ago I was a happily married man with two loving children and thought I had the best life, better than I deserved. I can remember writing when I was in grade school that I planned to get married and live happily ever after. I was sure that I had found my partner, my soul mate, the woman who had imprisoned my heart. We had always told each other that we would never leave each other unless either of us cheated on the other. I knew that I never would so I thought this marriage will last forever. That all changed one day when I found an email exchange between her and another guy. It seemed innocent enough and she quickly dismissed it and went on the offensive and told me that all our problems were my problems. I didn't believe her. I couldn't believe her. Not me, not me, the "perfect husband". After many therapy sessions in which her and the therapist ganged up on me they eventually convinced me that it was all my fault and that I still wasn't "getting it". I enlisted the help of my own personal therapist and we began to talk. I told him about feelings I had had for a long time, things I hadn't told my wife.

So the person I loved and dedicated my heart and life to knew that I was already on the edge and she left anyway. She knew that this might push me over the edge and she left me anyway and blamed me for it. How could someone do that? How could someone who loved you push you to the edge and then drop kick you over. Even today it's the same way. I was out of work this week for two days because I had an accident and ran over my neighbors satellite dish and knocked his propane tank rolling. She never questioned me. She never asked how are you, are you ok? How does someone love someone for twelve years and then all of a sudden care less whether they live or die. I had a real bad cold for a week, hacking, coughing, wheezing, feverish. Not one question, not one concern. She came in the other night while I was dressing and she looked tired. I immediately asked if she was ok, if there was anything that I could do. When I left the house the other night I sent her a text and asked her if she wanted some company. I told her that I would be happy sitting on the bench at the foot of the bed just watching her sleep, and that I missed her so much. Her response: No. So polite. A week ago she sent me a long text telling me that if I didn't return the divorce papers signed that she was going to have me served. WTH??? Is it really true that good guys never win?

Separation: Day 116

2009-10-17T04:00:00.000-07:00

Everyday is an adventure. Everyday I go to work on time and leave on time. I have therapy once a week and I feel my gas tank up once a week. Thus is my life. Before I would have never went to therapy and only filled my tank up every other week. This is the time of year that every-one's rear puckers up and waits for the big kiss off. Every year at this time the company decides that they want to put everyone on 32 hours a week maximum and they cry if they have to pay out any OT. Then you go to a meeting and they give you the slobbering blues about how they are hurting too. Yeah they're hurting, hurting from all that sitting on their ass figuring out how to cut out more time. This year I have the pleasure of going through a DIVORCE along with all this other worry!! Score!! Bonus!!! My wife who's job is secure and also has added income (a la me) has no worries. The only worry she has is if she can get enough long baths, and naps in in a week. While I on the other hand worry night and day about where my next dollar is coming from and where I am going to lay my head down in about two months. But I digress. Now is time for my thankful list:

My boys.
The Hangover (great movie got it on bootleg shhhh!!)
Mac and Cheese (oh hell yeah)
Amazon.com (ordered my youngest b-day gift)
My blogging buddies.
"The Shack" by William P. Young
Diet Dr. Pepper
My good night/good morning, daily affirmation buddy. She's the best!
Cold water from the water cooler.
Human Resources

This is a pretty good picture into my life this week! Hope everyone has a kick ass weekend!!

Separation: Day 114

2009-10-15T03:06:00.000-07:00

I had to work 16 mo-flipping hours yesterday! Well actually in all honesty I didn't have to I just did. I feel bad if I turn down any overtime. Especially lately because of the boys. My wife has curtailed her activities back a lot and eating out since the separation and everytime the boys are with me they want to eat out and get prizes. So anytime there is overtime to be had I say yes sir!!! Yesterday was one hell of a day. I started off the morning by falling in the breakroom, face first no less, and then working 16 hours. Ironically I had to stay for 8 hours of safety training. There is nothing better than having a near miss accident and then going to a meeting where we talk about how to avoid having them. For 8 hours!! But it was OT so I am not going to complain. I got home late in the afternoon and just passed out. When I woke up my leg was stove up like a mother huncher. I didn't even get to talk to my buddy yesterday. She sent me a couple of text and I didn't answer her till late. I try to send her an email everyday with some daily affirmations to help keep her positive. I was talking to her the other night and I was laying on the positivity and in the back of my mind I was like when are going to start believing in what you are preaching? I picked the boys up the other day from after school so they could be fed and ready to go when my wife got home. My oldest had an away football game. I picked them up and took them to the house and fixed fish sticks and "fry-fries" for my youngest and cheese eggs for my oldest. He loves my cheese eggs and he doesn't get when ol' dad isn't around. I thought while I was fixing his eggs I would make my wife a fried egg and cheese sandwich on toast a favorite of hers. So they left me to get ready and I checked to see if my wife eat her sandwich. Any guesses? That would be a negative. Why oh why do I try? This time it didn't bother me. I wanted to be the bigger person and just fix it. If she eat it she eat it, if she didn't she didn't. NO BIGGIE!! My sister went shopping yesterday and when I woke up I had a prize sitting on my night stand. A huge container of Reese's Peanut Butter Whoppers!!!! If you have never had then they are flipping awesome!!!! Ya!!!!!!! Sissy!!!!!!!!! Today is payday! Payday!! Payday!! Woo Hoo!! The one day of the week I look forward to. My boy won his football game 19-0, and my youngest wore the mascot uniform!! They wanted to ride home with their dad after the game so we didn't even make it out of the parking lot and they were saying we're hungry!!! :) Dad to the rescue. Thank GOD for OT!!!

Separation: Day 111

2009-10-11T23:35:00.000-07:00

The weekend went fine. I had my boys all day yesterday. My sister and I took them to see the 3D version of Toy Story 1&2. Talk about some bleacher butt (a la rockstar) after that movie extravaganza!! My youngest loved it and my oldest even laughed out loud in a couple of places. Funny thing was I watched the first few minutes looking at the screen thinking WTH!!! it was real fuzzy. I thought my vision might be going on me and then I remembered that it was 3D and put on the glasses (please insert dumb ass remark here). After the movie I met a friend and his family for supper. His boys love my boys and they always have a good time. I think we are going to have to get out of the eating out stage with them. There is just too much going own and we spend more time talking to the kids than we do to each other. I promised them next time they could come to the land of exile and I would make them homemade soup and cornbread. Then the boys can play outside all they want and pass out from exhaustion. :) After our goodbyes my sister took the boys to get a prize at Wally World and I went to Best Buy to pick out a prize for my other buddy. I had told them I was getting a prize for them earlier in the day and they were excited. My friend made it back from Washington and I went over to his house and heard about his trip. He said that the best part of the trip was Arlington Cemetery and watching the changing of the guards. I would really like to go someday and see all that being as I was a History major in college. My lit'l brother shipped out today and had a brief stop in Ireland (lucky bastard) with a final stop in Kuwait (not so lucky bastard). He will be gone fighting the good fight for a year and left behind his wife and not even two month old son. That has got to suck! I can't imagine not seeing my boys for a year. I don't like to go a day without seeing them, so a year would be like death warmed over. But that is what he signed up to do and he knows that. Just keep him in your prayers that he gets to come home safe!! My weekend ended with a quick nap while my sister watched Drop Dead Diva and Army Wives finales. Another week has begun whether I like it or not!! :)

Separation: Day 108

2009-10-09T00:50:00.000-07:00

I have been helping out a friend now for the past month who has a lot of problems. I thought I had problems and I do but this person is overloaded. It is a comfort to help someone and have them appreciate it. I enjoy talking to this person because for a brief time I get my mind off of my problems and onto to something else. I talked to another long lost friend last night and he told me that he wished that he had been a better friend and had took up the time to call and check on me. He said that he wanted to get to a better place to where he could help. So it dawned on me last night on the way home that people do like me. They care about me and want me around. I get compliments all the time about how good a person I am, how good a father I am, and how good a friend I am. I still have people tell me that I was a good husband. I have always been that person but I just lay dormant for a long time. I was thinking about how my life would be right now if my wife hadn't left me. How things would be different and if I would have ever changed. I probably would have never changed to the degree I am now if my wife wouldn't have left me or made a really good threat to. I told my friend the other night that I just wanted someone to love me. I told her that I loved my wife so much that I couldn't stand the thought of being without her forever. I told her that I loved being around her, talking to her, loving on her, kissing her belly. I loved everything about her and was absolutely in love with her. I wanted her more after 12 years than I did on our wedding night. I loved this woman and would do anything for her. But now when I look into the once warm and inviting beautiful green eyes of my wife I stare into the cold dark abyss. I would give anything for a sign just a glimmer of hope. I would give a limb for her to say hold off on that divorce and let's try one more time.

Ten Things I am thankful for:

1. My boys love their daddy.

2. I still have a job and get a little OT every now and again.

3. I have an awesome friend who calls me every morning and every night to check on me and refuses to let me beat myself up.

4. Jason Aldean's "Grown Woman" and "Do You Wish It Was Me".

5. Very few people at work know about my problem.

6. Those that do say nothing about it.

7. Eating out with friends, missed that and didn't even realize it.

8. Wii Rock band, Rock band Country, and Rock band Beetles.

9. Prozac, and Hydrocodine. :)

10. Bojangles's Pork Chop Biscuit. (with cheese)

Separation: Day 106

2009-10-06T03:52:00.000-07:00

I was doing ok. Really I was. I was going along and singing my happy song and bobbing my head back and forth. I took my oldest out to eat (my youngest went all mommas boy on me) and had a good meal with him. We talked a little about what was going on and how he was doing and about his schooling. Then when I got home to drop him off his mother waved me down and wanted to talk. :( I couldn't help it. She started in on me about why I haven't signed the papers. Always with a calm and cool demeanor completely devoid of any emotion. I told her that I couldn't afford to pay the child support she requested and I was about to lose everything that I had worked for because she wanted something/someone else. She said I didn't come out here to argue with you just wondering what the hold up was. Things digressed from there and I eventually had a bait of it and told her to "get her shit and get the fuck out". She went on to say that as long as her name was on the deed that she could stay in the house. I reminded her that I could move back in anytime I wanted to but I left for the boys. I told her she needed to start looking for a place to live and she said she had been. I told her I knew that there was no shortage of vacancies. It was not good. I ended crying in front of her, lip quivering, big tear drop crying, and I hate myself for it. Again I let her beat me up with I was an awful husband. I sent my friend a text and told her what happened and she told me to STOP!! Not to let her do that. She was real worried and I was just real aloof for a while. Later I sent my wife a text and told her that I didn't want to talk to her anymore and if it couldn't be said in a text then I didn't need to know it. That is hard to say and do but I do so much better without talking to her.

Separation: Day 101

2009-10-02T02:59:00.001-07:00

I hit the big 100 yesterday. One hundred days apart from my wife and family. One hundreds days not sleeping in my bed, eating at my table, and sitting in my "big blue chair". One hundred days without a kiss from my wife, sharing a bed with my wife, or anything with my wife. One hundred days of not being there for my boys when they get home, cooking supper for them, watching their favorite shows with them. For as much as I would like to be all doom and gloom to feed my depression it has not been. It has been 100 days of discovery. One hundred days of reinventing or finding my old self. It has been hard I won't lie, and there is still rough days ahead but there is some good to come out of all this. So in my weekly thankful list I am going to list the top ten things to come out of 100+ days apart:

1. See and do more with my boys.

2. See and do more with my family and friends.

3. More understanding of other peoples problems and my own.

4. Getting therapy to help get over the death of my parents and deal with issues.

5. Starting a blog and being introduced to a cornucopia of BBs.

6. Cleaned my truck out. I didn't know I had floor mats!!!!

7. A renewed friendship from long ago that is doing me a world of good.

8. Taking better care of myself.

9. Looking at my wife through a different light.

10. Finding Big John's Dawg House (awesome food).

So it has not all been for not. I wish that I could have discovered these things without my wife having to leave me but I am glad I have.

Separation: Day 99

2009-09-30T03:36:00.000-07:00

I had a development the other day. I found out that all this time I was right that there was another man. The guys current girlfriend sent me an email of the last letter my wife wrote him confessing her dying love for him and said she would never give up on him. Keep in mind that she has never met him and only talked through Twitter, email, text, and IM. This has been going on since the end of 08. We seperated on 6/23/09. This was my response:

****,

I have read the attached letter over and over. It was two days before I could read it myself. I felt so sick at my stomach and would start to have a panic attack. I finally broke down and read it the other day and cried for so long and so hard that I couldn’t cry anymore. I know you don’t care. I see now that you moved on from me a long time ago. The mourning period for me is long passed (if there ever was one). It is a shame that you gave me up for nothing. The fact that my love meant so little to you that you would give it up for the chance of love real or imagined. I am sure that **** is not as innocent in all this as *** says he is. I am sure that he did lead you on. I am sure there is/was a connection between you two. Not as imagined as *** would like to think. He has played you both. What hurts me the most is that you lied to me from day one. You already loved him on 5/20/09 you loved him on 6/23/09, and you sure as hell loved him on 9/22/09. All of these times I asked you if you loved him and you said no. You lied each and every time. Instead of owning this you turned it around on me. I am sure you didn’t know what to think when you read my blog that said you were having an emotional affair. You couldn’t lie to me ****. For as much as you claim I don’t know you and I never listened to you I was dead on. I knew when **** had cut you off. I could see you were distant, your skin was broke out, and you had two periods real close together. All this from someone who never listened to you, who and abandoned you. Please. You may have shared you heart and soul with **** but I still know you better than anyone. You looked at me **** and lied to my face. Your lips said no but your eyes said yes. "Your green eyes always give you away". I reckon **** wasn’t the only one you communicated with through Flickr and JPG. You knew that blaming me for all this would drive me over the edge. Just like in your case the boys are the only things that kept me here. If not for them I would have left this world a long time ago. You knew that blaming me would kill me and yet you hide behind the truth. If the love was as strong as you said it was then you should have been shouting if from the mountain. I know you are lost right now. I know you don’t know which direction to go. I know the pull of **** is still strong. I know you are willing to wait him and *** out. Maybe he told you he would leave her, I don’t know. What I do know **** is that I love you with all my heart. Even now I ache for you and long for your touch but you have betrayed me and lied to me. I would do anything in the world to help you. To guide you in any direction you want to go in. I know that direction is not towards me. But I do love you ****. You know I do. I don’t have to tell you. As far as a divorce goes I’ll work on it, maybe. Maybe not. I don’t know. There is nothing holding you here. I love and will take care of our boys. Follow your heart and do what makes you happy. You can always see them on the weekends. (That’s nothing less than you done to me, you sacrificed my relationship with my boys for this) I’m sure you and **** can be happy. As for me, I will never be the same without you. There is always a place for you in my heart and my home.

Right now I am lost, and don't where to go. Her pull is undeniable and I still would take her back. Please someone help

Separation: Day 95

2009-09-26T18:14:00.000-07:00

I had a late development in the week and that threw me for a loop. I was too busy figuring that situation out and didn't get to my thankful list.

My youngest won his soccer game. He also scored like 4 goals!!
My youngest told me that papa said he could be the greatest. I said your papa and he said no someone else's!!
All my BBs that check on me and comment and give me encouragement.
I got overtime this week.
A renewed friendship from long ago.
I talked to my father-in-law and he told me to do what I had to do he understood.
A good meal shared with my family.
Texting
Mountain Video
My lit'l sister putting up with her older brother.

I hope everyone is having a good weekend and staying dry.

Separation: Day 92

2009-09-23T03:35:00.000-07:00

I got my divorce papers yesterday. :(

Seems I have a lot to think about and do.

On a happier note: HAPPY BIRTHDAY JULES!!!

Separation: Day 89

2009-09-20T03:48:00.000-07:00

The day started out late. After working my sixteen hour shift I went and picked up my boys from after school. I took them to the local bakery and got them, my wife, and her friend a snack and dropped it off along with my child support for the week. I had to get me in a little rest before taking them out to eat because I was just dead dog tired. We went to eat at Big John's Dawg House (it's coming quite the hangout for me) and had a really good meal. The whole time my youngest was talking to the kid at the next table. He had a robot dinosaur and my boy had a toy policeman. Of course they had to have a shoot out. I took the boys back home and dropped them off because my oldest had to get up early to go to the football game. I passed out on the bed when I got home like someone had drugged me (really two vicodin and a prozac). I was out from 9pm-9am. I was late getting to the house to get a shower so my buddy and I were late leaving. My wife knew a shortcut while my buddy knew the way the buses went (aka not a shortcut). It took us over two hours of curvy, hilly roads to get there. It rained the whole flipping time and my CD player wouldn't play his "road music". But we had some great conversation and done a lot of catching up. We stopped at a Wendy's for a pee break and when I came back out to the truck my buddy said your alarm went off while you were inside. I said funny because I don't have an alarm system. He said the horn was blowing while you were inside. WTF!! I told him no it wasn't and when we started out into the road it blasted like a siren. My buddy said this ride just got a little more interesting. We finally got to the school and I parked just as close as I could and walked out to watch the game. The boys were already into the first quarter and they were losing by a little. My youngest came running and give me a huge hug and my wife looked at me like I thought he wouldn't come. Ha!! Told you damn it I am a changed man. Then it started to sprinkle. No big deal. Then it started to pour. Oh Hell!! Then the bottom fell out. There I was with no umbrella. My youngest came and offered me a towel from his mom and I told him no thank you. Men don't need umbrellas men just stand there and get wet, and wet I got. I was ringing the water from my shirts. Every time I took a step you could hear a definite squish squashy, squish squashy!!! I looked like the redneck from hell who had entered a wet t-shirt contest and lost. I was soaked to the core. I hung around by my wife's truck because I wanted my son to know that I was there and watched the game in the pouring ass rain because that is the kind of dad I am. He lost the game but he played hard and I got out to help him take off his shoulder pads and got soaked again. Small price to pay for my sons love. While all this was going on my friend (so called) had been sitting in the truck because he didn't want to get wet. We have a mutual friend who has been having marital problems for like two years and she wanted to meet up with my buddy. He told her that he had plans but that I was available and that we could meet and talk. He told me that we would probably end up just talking about her problems the whole night and I told him fine I was getting tired talking about mine. I had to rush home and change out of my sponge and meet her at Longhorns. I got to Longhorns and she text and said I'm inside. I went inside and I text her back and said which location are you at this Longhorns or the one further north. She was out front alright. Out front at Outback Steakhouse. No biggie there just up the street from each other so we finally met up and had an awesome meal. We talked non-stop for four hours about each others problems. You could almost reverse the roles of our marriages and they would be carbon copies. Her husband has the same attitude as my wife and my friend and I are hoping against hope they will come back. It felt good to get a fresh perspective and a relief to be listening to someone else's problems for once. It came time to pay and she wouldn't even let me pay. It was kind of awkward and I told her I felt bad and she said you can get it next time. So....I left the tip anyway. If I hadn't had to come to work I believe we could have talked all night. It was good for the soul and I enjoyed it. I was glad my friend had plans.

Separation: Day 87

2009-09-18T01:27:00.000-07:00

My name is Shane. People call me Shane, Shaner, Pendley, Papa, Tiny, and the list goes on. I travel the same stretch of road six or seven days a week. I am easy going and don't require much. For twelve years I was married to the most perfect woman in the world. I loved her with all my heart. We met at the Jasper Family Steakhouse where I was a cook and she was a waitress. We started out slow and soon our love grew to a smoldering heat. We couldn't get enough of each other. Our first kiss was in the dining room late one night while she was cleaning and I was cleaning the kitchen. After getting up the courage to finally kiss her I leaned in and score. It was not a very memorable kiss because although she didn't pull away she kept her mouth and teeth clenched. I walked away from that kiss thinking that I couldn't kiss or inspire her. The next night when I came in she pulled me into the sugar room (no pun intended) and laid a whooping kiss on me I still remember today. She told me I just wanted you to know that was not how I kiss and then laughed her beautiful laugh and ran off. I was just thinking about that tonight. The week has flew by and the weekend is fast upon us. I have to work Saturday so no after party. The good thing is next week will be a good paycheck and I get to see the boys more because my wife has court and I will keep them while she is in court. No therapy this week because of all the double shifts so I am in a funk right now. Not that therapy really helps but I don't talk to very many people about my situation. People at work are slowly hearing about it and I have already been asked about it twice this week. I feel like such a failure every time they bring it up. I always rated my marriage an A++. I didn't know that love had an expiration date. I forgot to check the marriage license to see if there was a "Best If Used By" date on it. I see her out of the corner of my eye and I want to grab her up and give her a "sugar room" kiss and have her swoon and say I have missed you. I want to send her flowers and silly lit'l text messages. I want to bring her breakfast and get that morning kiss. I want to see her fresh out of the bed with her hair all messed up and sleep in her eyes that is when she looked the best to me. On to my weekly thankful list:

1. I have gotten boo coo overtime this week.

2. My boys.

3. My son won his game last week.

4. My company stock is finally going up, and the euro is stronger.

5. Grill cheese sandwiches.

6. My ipod shuffle (even if it is playing "Grown Woman" and I'm crying like a hungry kitten).

7. My friend is going to go with me to the football game.

8. Sweet Pete (she brought me a biscuit yesterday).

9. Diet Mt. Dew in a bottle.

10. Memories of my wife when she was happy. (I was always happy)

Hope everyone has an awesome weekend.

P.S. Top is Ethan my youngest and bottom my oldest Nathaniel.

Separation: Day 85

2009-09-16T00:11:00.000-07:00

Anna at http://littleremindersoflove.blogspot.com/ is having an awesome giveaway for a sweet postcard set called "the little box of i love you". Skip on over and take a gander. Had to work twelve hours today and have to work twelve the rest of the week! Woo Hoo!! The boys are good and my friend called me up tonight and said he was going to go with me to the first away game. That means that I don't have drive two hours by myself and then sit by myself at the football game. He said something about throwing a party afterwards. The afterward I don't know about. It's been a long, long time since I got my drink on. =) Who knows? Might be fun. I seen my wife tonight for about 10 minutes and then cried all the way home. Damn it boy! When does that stop?

Separation: Day 83

2009-09-14T01:20:00.000-07:00

You never know how what you do early in life will come back to haunt you in later years. My mother and father both smoked my entire childhood and only quit when it was obvious that they were having serious problems. Did smoking kill them? Yes. Did they do it to themselves? Yes. Did they mean to? No. They paid the ultimate price. Their children, spouse's (dad died first), mothers, father, and grandchildren paid the price too. Since living at my mom and dads place I remember a lot of things that I thought I had forgotten. I have lived there now for 83 days and I have yet to go beyond one bedroom, living room, kitchen, and the bathroom. I have yet to look into my parents room (the original one) and the bedroom that I shared with my brother. I stay in the same room that my mother passed away in. I am reminded everyday of when she died and what the room looked like and who was there. Now my lit'l brother has problems and they have told him that there is nothing else they can do for him. He too like my parents done things to himself that caused this. He has been in and out of the hospital over the last couple of months and the last time he was there they sent in a grief councilor. WTH!!! But it is like I said he knew that one day this time would come. My brother and I have not been close in years but we have always been able to depend on each other. All either one of us had to do was pick up the phone and the other would do whatever it took to help out. I have not talked to him yet but I plan on going to see him more often and taking my boys because they both like him a lot. My weekend went alright. My oldest won his football game. He played a lot and done real good. I had to sit alone for awhile but my sister finally showed up. It wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be, my youngest and his lit'l buddy came and seen me when he wasn't playing mascot. I ended up having to work all weekend but I really wanted to. It helps to work a lot. I say it helps but most weekends I just end up crying in the truck while going and picking up samples. I have had some lonely times lately. My wife always has the boys and she has her mom, dad, and sister to fall back on and to go and visit. I do enjoy getting out and doing things with my friends though. That helps a lot and they care more for me than I ever imagined. I took my boy to a pic-nic Sunday that was thrown for the football team. I love my boy but damn. The food was good but the entertainment was karaoke. Redneck can't sing for shiznit hell!! Everybody around there felt obligated to take a turn whether they could sing or not, and believe me not was the majority. My boy done an impression of Simon Cowell while one was singing. I thought I was going to have to go under the table. I am just glad that I could take him somewhere to have a good time and to spend time with his friends. He thanked me a million times and told me he loved me about the same. All in all a pretty good weekend. Welp it looks like 12 hours shifts all this week so next week will be Money, Money, Money,Money!!! Money!! Oh, and saying that I already had the house payment was a jinx. My sister billed me for half the utilities!!! Damn it! I knew I shouldn't have said anything. Hope everyone has an awesome Monday!!!!!

Separation: Day 80

2009-09-11T04:06:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was a pretty good day. I had a good therapy session and got to pick up the boys early from after school. I have to work Saturday and after work I have a football game to go to and then a picnic for the football team Sunday. So my weekend is filled up. Might even sneak in a little me time Saturday with a movie or something. Last nights supper with my friend went real well and he even invited his father and step-mother. We had a blast and the kids got along great. As I have been doing in the past couple of weeks I am going to post my Thankful List:

I still have a job.
I have good health.
I have good friends who care for me and check up on me.
All the advice I get from my bloggerfamilia.
My boys throwing up gang signs yesterday in the truck while listening to 95.5 The Beat!
My boys are in good health and good spirits.
I got to spend some time with Grandma P. Monday.
I have next months house payment already. (Please no jinx)
Big John's Dawg House (damn good burger,fries,wings, hell everything)
My wife gave me a half hug.

I hope that everyone has a good weekend and everything goes their way!!! Be safe and be careful!!

Separation: Day 79

2009-09-10T02:24:00.000-07:00

First off I would like to preface this by saying that I have no prejudices. I have always had the motto live and let live, to each it's own so on and so forth. But we have this person that comes into work occasionally and I don't know what this person's gender is. I mean they have breasts and also have a definite 5 o'clock shadow thing going on. So when I talk about this person I refer to he/she as It. Well this morning It comes in and decides it wants to vent. It starts talking to me about the economy, health care, workers rights, moral fiber, and his dads lack of it. Somewhere in the conversation It says that its dad in order to sale a car one time packed the rear end of the car with saw dust (apparently this helps the rear end temporarily). But the only part of the conversation that my buddy got was the part about the rear end and I never heard the end of it the rest of the night. They even went out and told another driver the story and he came in and told me that It radioed him and told him how good a person I was and that I was a good listener. I was like WTH!!!!!!!!!!!!! But then he mentioned the saw dust and I said ok you went too far you had me till you said saw dust. I have always been careful of using any gender specific salutations so....But It told me it had a girlfriend. But that doesn't mean anything. So I guess live and let live. So tonight me and the boys are going to meet my buddy with his family at this new "dive" and eat and fellowship for a while. I have grown quite fond of his kids and him and his wife text me all the time making sure I am ok. I'm glad to have reacquainted myself with an old friend.

Separation: Day 77

2009-09-08T01:21:00.000-07:00

I am not one to follow trends. I have left my hair short instead of letting it grow out long and hang in my face. I have no tattoos, no piercing, I don't smoke, chew, dip or do any recreational drugs. But for a while now I have been looking at these people who shave off their mustaches and leave just their beard or chin whiskers. So the other day while looking in the mirror I done something I have not done in almost ten years. I shaved my mustache off and left just my chin whiskers. I had to do it to see if I still had an upper lip. I was shocked at the difference it made. You could actually see me smile. Not that I had anything to smile about but if ever there arose an occasion you could see it plain as day. I have been told that I had a "cute turned up lip" and although I don't see cute it is turned up slightly. I know your thinking by now that the 77th day must be rough as hell and I am reaching for something to write about. That is not the case at all. I just wanted to try something different and for once I did. My oldest didn't saying anything about the missing mustache but he did say that my face looked a lot slimmer. The boys at work are calling me Ishmael, and my little big friend said it suited me and he was thinking about doing it. My oldest lost his football game over the weekend but he put in a valiant effort. I had lots of family come out and sit with me. I am always afraid that I will have to sit by myself which will be the case on away games but I will manage. I kept both the boys Friday night and then took them out to eat and get movies after the game. I took them back home and kept them until my wife got back from seeing the new nephew and getting groceries. The boys and I always have a good time and I look forward to every minute I get to spend with them.

Separation: Day 73

2009-09-03T23:24:00.000-07:00

Today was therapy day. I always stop and pick up my sister a Chik-Filet chicken biscuit. When you live with someone rent free you kinda do them any favor they want. So that is my routine every Thursday, therapy then Chik-Filet. I would be going broke if I was still at home because I know that I would buy my wife lunch every Thursday. But....Anyway therapy went good and we touched on somethings other than the marriage. He always wants to know how I am doing and how the boys are doing. He told me today that I should realize now that there is no way to save my marriage. I don't believe that, I didn't feel like arguing but I don't believe that. In some sick way I still hold out hope. I still expect to see her come through the door at my sisters place and tell me to come home. I know I must be high on pain killers and Prozac but hey its my dream. I didn't get much sleep today because my brother and his father-in-law came and cut the grass about 1pm after I got in bed about 11am. WTH!!!!! But the yard looked real good and there is nothing better than the smell of fresh cut grass. I am going to go watch "Gamer" tomorrow night with my brother and my oldest boy. I think he will probably spend the night with me and then I'll take him to the football game Saturday. I am going to post some pictures of the boys later so people can put faces with oldest and youngest boys. I get to work twelve hours Sunday so I will get a pretty decent check next week too. I need it, the house payment comes every month!! So now it is time to list everything that I am thankful for, so.......

I have a job.
My boy won his football game last week.
I got to spend sometime with my boys this week.
I have been doing better getting out and walking more.
I actually went shopping for a birthday present (my wife wrapped it).
I hear from friends and family every week to hang in there.
I was able to help a friend in need.
I think I sold my old truck.
All my friends (bloggers included) and family for helping me out.
No one at work knows that I am having marital problems.
A hug I got last night.
I got a jar of home canned jalapenos. (AKA around here as Jay lap a knows) ;)

Hope everyone has a kick ass weekend!!

Separation: Day 72

2009-09-03T03:39:00.000-07:00

People say she's only in my head

It's gonna take time but I'll forget

Say I need to get on with my life

But what they don't realize

Is when you're dialing six numbers just to hang up the phone

Driving cross town just to see if she's home

Waking up a friend in the dead of night

Just to hear him say it'll be alright

When you're finding things to do at night, not to fall asleep

Because you know she'll be there in your dreams

That's when she's

More than a memory.

Garth Brooks

I got my lit'l brother to fill up my ipod schuffle with music to help me walking. The other night when I was listening I heard this song. Of course tears started welling up in my eyes and I had to listen to it over and over. Damn it. He knew what he was doing when he put that on there. My brother has been up this week so he could show off the new nephew. My sister is a little upset because she hasn't got to see him or the baby yet. I told her last night that new mothers were very particular and didn't like to drag newborns out much. She said she understood but she don't. I seen the baby the other day he is real cute and has a head full of hair. The baby looks like my brother, me and my sister. We all have black hair, and dark eyes. I always wanted to have a dark haired baby but both my boys have blond hair and green eyes like their mother. I wouldn't have them any other way though. I have to get my mise en place (my space) cleaned at her house because they all are coming over Friday for dinner. I told her that I would cook the pork roast we have and bbq it. We will have that with slaw, chips, and corn on the cob. That should be plenty and everyone likes bbq. I don't really have any plans this weekend other than my oldest's football game Saturday. It won't take me long to clean my space since in consists of a bed and nightstand. Seriously that is all I have. My clothes hang in the hall way and I usually pull clean clothes from out of the dryer or from the top of it. Ahh the life of a man in exile. I had to work late yesterday and just got to the ball field in time to take my boys back home. My youngest climbed in the truck and said that he wanted to go get movies. :/ I told him he would have to wait for the weekend for that. It was good to see them if only for a few minutes. My wife brought me out some pictures of the football team and they were real good. My boys are growing up fast. Well....today is therapy day so maybe I can shake some of the blahs I have been dealing with lately. I have been crying daily, and seeing my wife everyday doesn't help. I miss her so much.....but you know that by now.

Separation: Day 70

2009-09-01T01:15:00.000-07:00

"And you, my father, there on the sad height,Curse, bless, me now with your
fierce tears, I pray. Do not go gentle into that good night. Rage, rage against
the dying of the light. " Dylan Thomas

This came to me tonight as I was sitting here wallowing in self-pity. I had something strange happen tonight when I got to work. I had had a bad day and my wife talked to me about the divorce tonight and I was feeling real down and beat up. Then the phone rang at work and it was an old driver that used to come in everyday. He and I would talk about what we were reading and if we had heard of anything good to read. He was a preacher and was taking classes to become a pastor. He called out of the blue (and late to boot since I work third shift) and told me he had been thinking about me and wanted to know how I was and how everything was going at work. He had a stroke recently and had started on disability. He said he was fine and that he was getting to read a lot. Then he told me that he loved me and that he would come up here and see all of us some time. The fact that an old friend had called me up and told me that they were thinking of me and that they loved me took me back some. The other day at the party all the parents came and gave me a hug and told me that they were glad to see me and that I had well behaved and good looking boys. My grandmother always told me that I had an old soul. She said I felt more deeply than anyone she knew. My oldest is the same way. What I don't understand is I am trying so hard to be a better man but I have this huge black hole sucking the life from me. I love my wife with all my heart and why she is hell bent on shredding my soul I have no clue. I don't know how someone could share their life with another person and then just walk away like nothing ever happened. I am a good man I know this. I try hard to help people and be good to other people, always have. I don't understand why I have to go through this. All I want to do is hold my wife again. Hold her in my arms and never let her go. I want to whisper in her ear that I love her as long as I have life. The pain of the emptiness is unrelenting and it echos through the chambers of my heart.

Separation: Day 69

2009-08-31T01:10:00.000-07:00

I have started this blog three times and went back and erased it. I went to a birthday party this weekend at my friends house with the two boys. I have really reconnected with him over the past couple of months. We have a long past and it's not always been good and of course with any friend there was a girl involved. But that is all in the past and he is a pretty good friend. The party was loud, loud, and louder. There were about 10 kids there so actually the noise level was pretty tame at times. My boys behaved real good and I actually got some compliments about how well behaved they were and how much they loved on their dad. They are some good boys and they do tell me they love me all the time. One of my friends boys was playing with two Star Wars figures and I told him to give me one and I held my hand out and he ran and jumped in my arms and gave me the biggest neck hug. I thought damn it boy I was going to play action figures with you and now you done got me choked up. It was fun being around a crowd for once. I never liked going out before and being around people but now I kind of enjoy it. One woman came up and told me she had heard A LOT of stories about me. A long time ago there was this other Shane and he lived life to the fullest. There are stories I could tell but that would be another blog for another day. While at the party they introduced me to a woman who was separated from her husband and has two boys like me. They were all at the party and they were real cordial to each other. But she and I have another thing in common it seems that sometimes our brain/mouth filter gets clogged up. ;) Her's is a little more extreme than mine in that she sometimes has no filter and just says what comes to mind. We all had a good time and the boys I know were worn out when we left. I'm sure my wife enjoyed her time by herself. The boys really are a trip and they do some of the funniest things and I am glad that I am around to watch them grow into the men they will one day be.

Separation: Day 66

2009-08-28T03:33:00.000-07:00

I went to the bathroom tonight and had myself a good cry. I know that a man probably shouldn't admit to that but it's out there now. I didn't have therapy today so I missed my weekly soul cleansing. Yesterday I went and picked up my boys from school and took them to my wife's house while I took a shower. My oldest done his homework so he wouldn't have to rush back and do it and my youngest ate Cheeze Its (that's the way they spell it) and watched cartoons until I got ready to go. When I started out the door my wife showed up and my youngest decided that if I wasn't going to Taco Bell he wasn't going. Well....he had to stay with his mom. My oldest and I went and had hot wings and chili cheese fries. Oh yeah, it was as good as it sounds. When I walked in the lady said it's good to see you back is your wife not with you. For a minute I thought (wtf!) then I remembered that my sister was with me the last time. I gently corrected her as my son looked like I should be telling him something. When I got out to the truck I had discovered that I had gotten a bargain. I got the whole meal for around ten bucks. I went back in and told the girl that I owed her some more money and she looked at me like you have got to be kidding. Ended up I owed another seventeen to go with the ten. She said thanks you saved me from getting into big trouble. So my conscious cost me seventeen bucks!! I knew better than to tempt fate, if I had walked out and left it like that I would have lost that money somewhere along the way. Happens every time. What comes around goes around. I am a big believer in that. Anyway, I took my boy back home and dropped him off and took a nap before going into work. What was the reason for the crying spell? It just came over me in the bathroom. Just a wave of emotion. Dread, pain, loneliness, scorn, all the usual suspects. But amazingly I felt a little better when I got done. So now as I promised I would I am going to write my thankful list:

Micah was born on 8/27/09, he weighed 6lbs and was 21 inches long. I am his Uncle.
I get to work this weekend.
I made it through the first cut of layoffs at work this week.
My wife made it to and from NY safely.
Both my boys are doing good in school and are healthy.
I have enough money in the bank to make my house payment.
I have two boys that love me even if I'm not going to Taco Bell. :)
I am alive and well.
I have good blogger friends who inspire me and check up on me daily.

That would be about it. I hope everyone has a good weekend!!!!!

Separation: Day 63

2009-08-25T02:31:00.000-07:00

Yesterday as I entered the house I remembered how sometimes I would stand behind the door and surprise my wife when she would come home on break. I would grab her when she came in and give her a big hug and kiss. As I made my way to the kitchen I remembered all the meals and get togethers we hosted and how happy we were working in the kitchen. I also thought back to how excited I would get when I got up early and had supper or her lunch fixed so I could spend just a little bit more time with her. All the cheese eggs that I had fixed for my oldest who loved and looked forward to them anytime he stayed with me. As I sit in the "big blue chair" I thought back to the nights that I would sit with her helping her name her pictures on Flickr before going into work. Also I chuckled at the many times that I called her Flickr Queen. As I made my way down the hall I remembered seeing her in her white cotton gown throwing clothes into the dryer to "iron" themselves. I remembered back to the times she helped the boys clean their rooms or they watched her clean. After getting a shower I sit at the foot of the bed on the bench she had bought me for my birthday and remembered all the hugs and kisses I had gotten before she went to bed. All the many times I had watched her fix her hair in the bathroom mirror and the disgusted looks she would make because it wouldn't curl the right way or that it curled period. But I also remembered the night she said she thought she was done. She said a lot of things that night that hurt me deeply. Things she had been wanting to say but wouldn't. I remembered she followed me down the hall and out on the front porch telling me that she was sure that she was done and told me to be careful going to work because I was so torn up. I remember how I thought it would last forever. A friend and fellow blogger sent me a quote that she thought was appropriate:

"I would like to beg you, as well as I can, to have patience with
everything unresolved in your heart and to try to love the questions themselves
as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. Don't
search for the answers, which could not be given to you now because you would
not be able to live them. And the point is to live everything. Live the
questions now. Perhaps,someday far in the future, you will gradually, without
even noticing it, live your way into the answer." ~Rainer Maria Rilke

It is true that there is much unresolved in my heart and up until now I haven't been very patient. It is true that I have been searching for the answers and not living the questions. I also hope that one day in the future I will live the answers. I do know that resolution is out there but for now the emotion of the pursuit of happiness seems unending and unreachable. But I do know that through patience I will be able to unlock the misery and translate the pain into happiness. Thanks for the quote it means so much.

Separation: Day 62

2009-08-23T21:20:00.000-07:00

I had an awesome weekend with the boys! Our first night I made boneless fried chicken with mashed potatoes, homemade gravy, homemade mac and cheese, and hot dog bun toast (hated to throw them out). We watched some TV and went to bed late so they would sleep later. :) I got up early Saturday morning and got them a biscuit and came back home to get ready for my oldest boys football game. His team lost the game but my boy done real good and the announcer called him out special when he made a tackle. My friend came up with his family and watched the game and that made my youngest boys day. The cheerleader coach brought a mascot uniform for my youngest to wear. My boy can be a ham when he wants to be but he has to warm up to the idea around strangers. The little boy they got to wear it done an incredible job and was so cute and funny. That night after the game I took them to get some movies and I picked up pizzas and we went back to my wife's house to watch the movies and eat. We watched 17 Again and then me and my youngest watched two episodes of Scooby Doo!!! We gathered up our junk and went back to the land of exile and slept. Sunday morning I got up early because my friend text me at 7:30 am (WTF!!!) and wanted to know about watching Inglorious Bastards we made plans to watch that while my sister took my boys shopping with her to find a dress for an up coming wedding. Also it was my wife's birthday and the boys needed to get her something. The movie was gory, and funny as hell. Brad Pitt made the movie. He has a killer southern accent and everyone else was great too. After the movie I went to Olive Garden and bought my wife a piece of tiramisu (her favorite cake) for her birthday and stopped by and got her a card. Then back to the house to clean it up so she wouldn't walk into a mess, wash my boys uniform and hang it to air dry and put in another load of clothes. Washed a few dishes and took out the trash and folded a load of clothes she had on her bed. Also raised the window and turned on the ceiling fans so the house would be nice and aired out. Thus ended my weekend with the boys, somehow when they go shopping for someone else they end with something for their trouble?? That's my boys though. I was tagged by Jules to do this so here goes:

1. Favorite Summer Movie - Inglorious Bastards was real good. Transformers was good, along with Harry Potter.

2. Favorite Summer Cocktail - I don't drink that much so I would have to say Mike's Hard Lemons and Miller Lite. Did drink some Blue Sky's my wife mixed up they were good.

3. Favorite Summer Song - Since everything reminds me of my wife kicking me out like piled up trash...Daughtry-No Surprise, The Fray-Don't Let Me Go, Jason Aldean-Grown Woman, and Kelly Clarkson-Already Gone.

4. Favorite Summer Meal - Hot Wings!!!

5. Favorite Summer Outfit - T-shirt and joggers.

6. Favorite Summer Read - Odd Hours-Dean Koontz, Bleachers-John Grisham, The Associate-John Grisham.

7. Favorite Summer Moment - This past weekend with my kids! We had an awesome time. Also 5/25/09. Just for personal reasons.

Since I am new to this I won't tag any one. But if you feel compelled I would enjoy reading it!! Just let me know. ;)

Separation: Day 59

2009-08-21T03:17:00.000-07:00

My wife left today to go to NY for the weekend and I have the boys. They got to the house late because my oldest didn't get done with his homework and my sister had to give my youngest a bath. The boys were tired and I turned the TV off at about 10pm and we went to sleep. Or they went to sleep and I took a nap before going into work. When I got up to leave they both were sound a sleep and snoring. Therapy went pretty good today. We talked somethings out and maybe made some progress on some blahs I had. I was nervous seeing my wife tonight because I am worried about her flying and being up in NY. She give me a hug and agreed to call me when she got there. So that made me feel better. I love her so very much and miss her something awful. My boy has a ballgame this weekend and I am going to have some friends over so my boys can play with their boys. They had a real good time last time and I think they need a break from all that is going on. I hope my boy does good and they win their game because they have practiced hard and he has made a lot of progress. I called my buddy yesterday to see if they still planned on coming and what they wanted me to cook. I was prepared to make BBQ pork, homemade chili, homemade pizza, or whatever they wanted. He just said don't go to any trouble we will just order some pizzas. So now that I won't be cooking Saturday I am going to cook boneless chicken, homemade mac and cheese, whole potatoes, and my biscuit bread tonight. That will be the first meal I have cooked since living with my sister. I made some homemade gravy the other night and it was real good. The last time I cooked at my house I made pork chops, mac and cheese, black eyed peas and corn bread (sugary kind like my wife likes). When I asked my boy the next day if they enjoyed the meal he said his mom had ate left over chili and threw what I made away. She did crumble some of the cornbread up in her chili so it wasn't a total waste. I love to cook and don't mind washing dishes. It kills me that I can't cook supper for them more often. I am going to make up for it this weekend. It just so happens that I got the weekend off too. Can't really afford it but they only need one man this weekend and I am the low man on the totem pole. I promised to make a list of things I was thankful for instead of always dwelling on the negative. So here goes:

My two boys love their dad.
I have not been sick in a while.
I have a job.
I have many friends who care for me.
I am surrounded by family who love me.
I have a place to live.
The sunrise outside the office door every morning.
My wife no matter what.
My blogger friends who encourage me.
I have the weekend off to spend with my boys!!

I am thankful for all that and more but that will do for this week. Next week I will try to do the same thing.

Separation: Day 57

2009-08-18T23:32:00.000-07:00

Today was a hard day. I slept pretty good (thanks Prozac) but didn't feel refreshed when I woke up. I waited to the last minute to go take a shower and decided I wasn't going to leave this time. I just set in the "big blue chair" and waited on my boy to get done eating so I could take him to practice. My wife and I talked back and forth some. Just idle chit chat nothing imperative. I love talking to her, we used to talk for hours on end and never run out of things to say. That is why now the silence is so painful. I just keep thinking to myself it was just a mere 68 days ago (there was a time when she could stand me in the same house) that my wife loved me and wanted to spend the rest of her life with me. We always signed each others cards with:

Love you forever + a day, + infinity + a day, + eternity + a day, + a
day.

It was just May 19th, and my world was as I would have it be. My wife loved me, my boys loved me, and I was happy. Sure there were things that needed improving and things that I should have been working on but nothing that threw up flares. Nothing that said if you don't change your ways your headed for divorce. But apparently it was just lying under the surface. If I had only knew then what I know now. Today was a double edged sword. I miss her so much that I am willing to sit there knowing it is going to tare me up something awful. I was crying when she pulled up in the parking lot at practice. The thought of being without her the rest of my life still takes my breathe. It just kills me to think that I will never be able to hold her again. She leaves Friday for NY. I had already bought her ticket back in February. She is so excited about going and I am excited for her. She has never been and I really am happy she is getting the opportunity. But I am worried about her. I hate to think of her up there and something happening to her. That is a long ways to be from home to have something happen. I am going to miss her coming home to me and sharing her adventure and showing me all the pictures she took. My wife is an awesome photographer with a keen eye. She takes amazing photos and I am man enough to admit that sometimes I was jealous at how talented she really is. But I guess I won't get to see any of them or hear any of the details. I really do miss my wife. I miss looking into her beautiful green eyes. I love green eyes and she has them is spades. They are electric and piercing at the same time. They are loving and condemning at the same time. And when she is mad they flash with furious anger. It just................you know. I thought I would share something that I wrote a while back about having to live in my parents place again:

The walls they remember me.
They close in around me....smothering me.
I gasp for fresh air but I'm met with stale lucidity.
Pictures of mom and dad adorn the walls.
Warning: Reflections in the pictures may hurt more than they appear.
A red dot states that you are here.
Followed by a hecklers cackle devoid of cheer.

Well that should be enough for another cry on your shoulder session. I just wish she would come see me before she leaves.

Separation: Day 55

2009-08-16T23:41:00.000-07:00

It was a pretty good weekend because I had to work all weekend and that helps keep me sane. The work keeps me busy so I don't think about my situation as much. NOT!! There is nothing that takes my mind off of this but working does help. I have always drowned my sorrows in work. Some people drink, some people eat, some people smoke, I work. I work a lot. After dad died I worked a lot of 100+ hour weeks. At the time I didn't know that was why I was doing it but I was. I wasn't trying to avoid or abandon my wife and kids I was dealing with my dads death the only way I knew how. That has been my life story. I got a job to get out of the house. I had rather work than to stay at home(mom and dads). I loved school for that reason. Mom and Dad weren't very involved parents. Sure they cared for me and provided for me but anything beyond that it was up to me to find. I think that is why I loved my grandmother so much. She loved me no matter what I did and who I became. My parents loved me they just weren't that supportive. I am not trying to get sympathy here just stating a fact. That was a hard revolution to say out loud. If anything good has come out of this it is I know that work is not a way to deal with things and I need to enjoy life more. Be more involved in the lives of others. I had started doing that before with my wife's grandparents. I really loved them both and made an extra effort to see them before they went back home. They really accepted and loved me despite my faults and shortcomings. I guess that part of my life is over now also. I came upon something someone else had wrote about the passing of their dad and it really struck a cord with me:

"You're not getting through your grief when the memory of your loved one STOPS
making you cry. You're getting through your grief when the memory of your loved
one STARTS making you smile again" :-)

That is very relevant in the death of my parents and my current situation. I can't smile yet. I don't see how I could ever smile about losing my wife. About having my wife just walk away while there was still so much to say. (Thanks Rascal Flats) I still love my wife very much and miss her more and more everyday. I have smiled a few times thinking about mom and dad. I used to walk around the house and cry looking at their pictures (it's been a while since I did that) and I have even called out for mom a couple of times. But I always done it while I was alone. Didn't want anyone to think I was going crazy. When you lose your parents you have lost your center, your bearings, your foundation. What makes this so hard with my wife is that it is she is like a ghost. I can see her and hear her but I can't touch her. She is like a specter. I can look into her eyes but I can not engage her. The other day while at football practice one of the mothers came up and spoke with me about family. When she was leaving she padded me on the shoulder and back. I had chills run through me. I had forgotten what it felt like to be touched by someone who cared. I almost lost it right there. The last time I felt that was on the fourth of July when my wife briefly rubbed my shoulder coming around me. Even then I could feel her love. I felt it in her touch. I'm sure she doesn't remember it but I do. I would give anything in this world that was my power to give to make things better with my wife. I have done everything she asked me to. I don't think it is too much to ask her to do the same. To look into her heart of hearts and reach down deep to find the courage and will to love me again. I have a dream one day that I will wake up and she will be sitting next to my bed holding my hand with tears in her eyes telling me to come home Shane I miss you. I have a hope that one day I will roll over to the cold side of the bed and feel her warmth once more. I have aspirations that one day I will be in the family photos again and not just in the background. I pray that my prayers will rise above the ceiling and not fall to the floor. Most of all I just hope against hope that my wife will come back.

Separation: Day 51

2009-08-13T03:42:00.000-07:00

Today is therapy day. I have to go and talk about the problems I am having and how they are effecting my everyday life and how I am coping. Well to be honest if I were an airplane I would be in a dead stall right now. I don't know what to do. Everything I do seems like it is wrong. If I do something right I think it is wrong, and if I do something that is wrong I think I have really messed up. You have seen the movies where the pilot is barreling towards the earth and they are screaming pull up, pull up!!! Well that is me right now, except I can not hear the warnings, all I see is the earth barreling towards me at warp speed and I am in a daze. I think the biggest thing is that the shock has worn off and I am able to see daylight in this separation. I have come to realize some very important things.

My wife had/is having an emotional affair with another man.
After all is said and done I would still take her back.

It just hit me the other day that she has never given me a straight answer on whether she loves him or not. Every time I asked her if she has told him that she loves him she keeps telling me that he has a girlfriend.Well, so flippin what, she has a husband and I didn't stop up any holes. What if he didn't have a girlfriend would she have told him by now. She doesn't have to tell him to have those feelings. She has them I can tell. She always said she could tell if I am lying and she could but I can tell she is not telling me the whole truth. If there was nothing to hide why erase all the text messages? Why? If I had seen them and they would have been idle chit chat I would have blew it off. I wouldn't have liked it but I would have blown it off. But when you know they are talking all hours of the night and then you check and the evidence has been erased then you naturally assume that it was something that wasn't good. So for the time being I can not even look her in the eye. I really don't want to be around her but I have to be because of the boys. She knows that she has wronged me but it has not affected her in the least. She is still talking to him everyday and probably hoping that he will leave his girl for her. Who knows? I just know that I have looked into her eyes and know there is more than she is telling me.

Separation: Day 48

2009-08-09T23:30:00.000-07:00

I am still going to do the sub-title as separation until the divorce is final. Just one last slither of hope that she will change her mind and tell me to come home. I know you want to know at this point what I am smoking but it is too hard to let go. I had the boys almost all weekend and we had a good time. I cooked hamburgers on the grill Saturday and my lit'l brother came over. He was up for the weekend from Ft. Benning. He is going to be deployed in October to Iraq. Sucks, big time, but it is what he signed up to do. The boys played action figures and their video games up until bed time and then we all went to bed. We got up early Sunday and met a buddy of mine for breakfast. The buffet was huge and my youngest eat like he was starved. Then we went to my buddies house and let our kids play together. They got a long like they had knew each other for years. In just a few minutes they were running around the house screaming and yelling. They played real good together and after lunch his wife took them to the water park. My youngest kept going under and telling his wife how good a time he was having and how much he loved it. It made me feel good that I could take the boys somewhere and they were able to get their mind off of things and have a good day. Me on the other hand woke up crying this morning and I quickly dried it up when my oldest asked what was wrong. It's hard to deal with this. I asked her the other day if she felt like she had wasted her life up until now. There was a long pause and she said she had not regrets but that was just for my benefit. I don't know what to believe. I just know that I don't ever want her to feel the pain that I have felt, I don't ever want her to be done the way she is doing me now. I have had one bad breakup in my life and I am trying to steer clear of all that and it is hard to do. I still love her so much that it literally takes my breath away to think it is over for good. It is like someone has knocked the air out of me and I am gasping for breath. My heart sinks into my stomach just thinking of her kissing another person. All I know is my boys is all I got now, and they are enough. I love them and miss them and wish their mom the best that life has to offer. I just hope whatever caused her to throw me away is worth it.

Separation: Day 45

2009-08-07T03:30:00.000-07:00

Well I will have to soon change the subtitle to divorce. :( The title will remain the same but it will be forever A Life Apart. Yesterday we met at a mexican restaraunt, the first place we went as a family to eat after we started having problems ironically is the last place that we ate as husband and wife. I can only write this now while sucking back tears. The first half of the dinner was good we talked and talked but there was an obvious cloud over the conversation. She already knew what she was there to do but I ever the optimist hoped that I could snatch victory out of the jaws of defeat. I started out by telling her that I felt that there were three options:

I could move back home while she was gone to NY and when she came back we could make an honest effort to try and stay together. I promised that I had changed enough that I wouldn't smother her and we could work on our marriage together. AKA My option.
Things remain the same except that I would only pay the house payment and give her money for the boys. Still would continue working on the marriage. AKA Not my favorite but better than three.
She would have to do what her intentions where from day one. AKA Nuclear Option.

She picked......THREE! She started out by asking if I was happy when we were together those last few days and I told her I was happier then than I was now. At least then I was able to see her and the boys, not just part time. She said no, I can't, I don't want to live with you. She said that I had to see that she was doing better and that she wasn't sick all the time. She also asked if I thought that it was going to go any different than the way it was going now. Honestly and truly I knew she was going to ask me for a divorce I just prayed to GOD that it wouldn't happen. I looked at mom and dad's picture before I left and asked them that if they had any pull up in Heaven to put in a good word for me. Nothing worked. She had given me a heart key chain with her name engraved on it a long time ago after I had given her a wooden heart I had found. I told her that she would always have my heart. And she will. But while we were talking I slipped the heart off of my key chain and handed it back to her and told her that I no longer had her heart so it wasn't mine to keep. Honestly the pain hasn't gotten any worse. Right now I am still numb. Soon it will hit me a tidal wave of fear, regret, remorse, denial, and longing for her love. I have to remain strong for my boys but....I have to mourn the loss this time or it will consume me. The sunrise that I look forward to every morning outside my office window was is black and white this morning devoid of color. The dawning of a new day was special before now it just signifies another day in A Life Apart.

Separation: Day 41

2009-08-02T23:16:00.000-07:00

It has been forty-one days since I have been exiled from my house. What started out as an inquiry into my wife's e-mail to another man telling him how much he meant to her quickly evolved into a marriage that was filled with disappointments and emotional abandonment. I still haven't figured out how that happened. I came upon these e-mails and asked my wife about them and she came back with, "we are having problems, you are having problems" and we need to get help and you need to get some extra help. I am still reeling on that one. How is it that I find this and all of a sudden I am the one that needs help. How is it that after forty-one days I still have not got an explanation to why she erased every text message she sent him and every text message he sent her. I believe that I am entitled to an explanation. Not just a quick pro quo but a long discussion about what took that many texts to talk about, and why was I as her husband not even aware this guy existed. I have suffered along now for forty-one days thinking it was all my fault that me working all the time and losing both my parents left me emotionally unavailable to her. But my phone never rang, she never woke me up in the middle of the night and said I need to talk. I was there and more than willing to talk to her. How is it that I "the great provider" ends up with egg on my face? How is it that I who has given up everything but work to make sure that my family has everything that I didn't ends up with nothing?

Separation: Day 37

2009-07-30T02:36:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I went to therapy and went out to eat with one of my friends. We went to Wild Wings Cafe in Marietta and they had some awesome wings. Plus it was all you can eat so you can't go wrong there. We talked about my situation and about how I should be handling different things. When I fixed my plate of wings and tater tots I snapped a picture and sent it to my sister-in-law and told her to show it to my oldest boy. I knew that it would make his mouth water because he loves wings as much as his dad. She sent me back a message and said that he wanted to know where his wings were and I told him that I would save him some. NOT!! I didn't talk to my wife today or text her because I am trying to give her all the space I can. I talked to her Monday because I had to pick up my oldest for football practice. He was a little slow about getting ready and I asked her if she wanted me to go and she said that was up to me. Which is better than her telling me to go. Football practice went pretty good but my boy didn't have any of his things together and it we were late getting there and they had moved the practice to another field and my son forgot to tell me and we had to book it to get to the other field. The other field is right next to my house so he could just about walk to practice from now on if he wasn't so young. The only bad thing about staying up all day was that I slept real late when I got home. Since my sister has her bed in the living room she can't watch TV or anything when I sleep late. I hate to put her out like that so I told her I wouldn't sleep late like that again. I held it together real good today except till the end right before I got up. I remembered one time before my wife and I got married how she ran and hugged me when she got back. I thought to myself I would probably never see that again. That made me so sad I cried for about twenty minutes. I still really miss her and wish I was back home.

Separation: Day 30

2009-07-24T02:36:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was thirty days since my wife told me to leave. In those thirty days I have learned a few things about myself:

I still can't put my own socks on
I miss my wife very much and love her even more
I didn't know that my boys loved me as much as they do and miss me
My sister is a lot like my mom
I can get around better than I thought I could
Doing your own laundry sux
My wife done a lot of little things for that I took for granite
My wife done a lot that was under appreciated
Trying to lose weight is a minute by minute struggle
Therapy can be addictive

My oldest boy asked me the other day if I went to therapy and "poured out " my feelings and I said yes because that is what your mom asked me to do and I wanted to do it. He then turned around and asked me if I was a man. The therapist felt alarmed by this today and told me that I needed to tell my oldest that it was alright to express feelings and to vent. My oldest as of late has took every opportunity he can to give me hell about this situation. I know he loves me and worries about me but I worry about how this is effecting him. It was another therapy day and we talked the whole time about my problems now. My wife originally wanted me to get help about grieving for my parents death and weight issues with a side of depression. But since all this has went on the marriage problems have taken up the bulk of the conversation. We have talked about getting my weight issues under control and making sure that I stay healthy mentally and physically for my boys and my wife if she takes me back. It all has to boil down to me taking charge of my life and doing better for myself so I can have a better quality of life and hopefully maybe everything else will fall in place. Let's hope in the next thirty days I am back at home making an honest effort with my wife to reclaim our marriage and make it stronger than ever. I don't know what the future holds, but a feller can hope.

Separation: Day 27

2009-07-20T02:14:00.000-07:00

The weekend came and went. I got to see my boys for a big part of the day Saturday and was hoping to get to see them Sunday. But my oldest boy's messy room beat me out of that. My wife and him spent the bigger part of the day cleaning his room getting it ready for company on his birthday. So I spent a portion of the day at an old friends house shooting the breeze and watching TV. I could have closed my eyes and sworn I was home with the way his boys fight and argue just like my boys. ;) My sister went to dinner after church and brought me home a plate but I wasn't able to eat anything because I had ate so much breakfast. Man but that breakfast I ate was good. I missed my boys today and my oldest is going to spend the night with me tomorrow so we'll get to spend some good quality time together. We threw the football around Saturday while my youngest run around and played action figures in the back of my truck. I don't know how things are going with my wife. Every time I send her a text about coming over and wanting to see her she says: "No Thanks". A very polite brush off I reckon. Soon it will be a month since she told me to leave and she is no where near ready letting me come back. :( I miss her so much. I just about cry every time I go to the bathroom there because I can smell her perfume. I loved the way she smelled. I miss looking into her eyes and I miss kissing her nose. Hell I miss everything.

Separation: Day 23

2009-07-16T02:56:00.000-07:00

There comes a point to where you have to ask yourself if you are just making an ass of yourself for staying and trying. Last night I got caught at the house when I meant to be gone when my wife got home. Those damn video games distracted me and my wife showed up before I got gone. She was visibly upset and when we were alone you could tell she was horrified that I was there for the third day in a row. So as I was walking out to the truck after getting a half-hug half shove I was wondering when do I turn from trying husband to a chump? I mean it was just a few days ago that she told me that nothing had changed and I knew that I would let a little witty banter between us go to my heart/head. There is a lot that is not being said by her and I can tell she is just busting at the seems to say something but she won't and I can't force her. As I was on my way to return some videos I was thinking that I had turned into the ass who could not take a hint. We have another therapy session Friday and I am pretty sure I am going to cancel it because there is no use letting that one session ruin my weekend. It will give her an hour to beat me up emotionally and I will feel drained from there on out. She on the other hand probably has some great plans and the results of Fridays bashing will not put a damper on her weekend. I still feel like I am in an episode of the Twilight Zone. All this came out of no where for me and I am having to play catch up. I always thought that if something happened in my marriage that I would see it from a mile away. This has snuck up from behind me and bit me on the arse. All I know is that I am at a loss of what to do next. I don't want the "D" word but I am pretty sure she is ready for it. Makes me wonder how much I did miss when I wasn't looking. I put a quote on quote daddy today that said, "The greatest pain is the pain you didn't know you had". All this time I had this pain coming and I didn't know it. I wish I had left that Pandora's box closed.

Separaion: Day 21

2009-07-14T01:02:00.000-07:00

Today was a pretty good day. It was the first day of football camp for my oldest and I took him early while my wife and youngest ate supper. He had a pretty good practise. He ran hard, played hard, and threw the ball real good. My youngest ran out on the field to give him his camp t-shirt and got walloped on the head by a ball! He cried and only the soothing sight of "Brookie Cookie" could make him feel better. My youngest has a girlfriend for every sport. He didn't get that after his dad. I went to the house late to take a shower and my sister-in-law wanted to leave since I was there so I told her she could go and I'd watch the boys until my wife got home. When she got home we actually talked like a married couple. We didn't sling any mud (not that we ever did). I guess what I am saying is that I was able to keep my emotions in check and not go all cry baby on her. She looked real good today too. She has been in the sun a lot and the sun does her good. Anyway all went well tonight. I know better than to get my hopes up but it went well. My oldest is a lot more frank with me than he is with his mother. I don't think he talks about our situation with her but he does with me. He doesn't like it and it makes him sad. He asks me how come I just don't stay anyway against my wife's wishes. I told him that I am doing whats best for all of them. I also make sure to tell him that I love him and I can't return home until his mom says I can, and I make sure to tell him that might not happen. Even though at this point I can't believe I'm even thinking that. But I have to prepare myself for the worse case scenario. I believe my biggest problem is that I am still in shock. I didn't see this coming. I really and truly never seen it coming. I would have never thought that my wife would tell me that she didn't care about me anymore. I didn't think she would ever say those words about me. It makes me sad to think that she feels that way now. I could never not care about her. I have been able to cut some people off but never has it crossed my mind to feel that way about my wife. On the plus sided my sister has told me that several of my friends have told her to tell me that they love me and that it will "get easier", and to "hang in there". So that warms my heart some. All I know is pray that once again my wife will care for me.

Seraration: Day 20

2009-07-13T00:41:00.000-07:00

The weekend sucked. I had to work 12 hour shifts all weekend so the only good thing about that is there will be a good paycheck come Thursday. Don't get me wrong I needed the time and the money but that took my time away from the boys. My oldest along with my sister went to see my brother. They are afraid that he will be deployed again soon and they want to see him all they can. I didn't get to see my oldest but about 30 minutes all weekend, and I got to see my other boy for a little bit today when I went to the house to take a shower. I watched him while my wife took a nap after a long day of swimming. I folded what must have been two loads of clothes and took a seat in the big blue chair and watched cartoons with my youngest while she slept. She hollered and told me to wake her before I left but she ended up getting up before I was ready to leave. I tried to confront her about our situation and she said she didn't want to talk about it. She also said she still didn't care and that she would tell the therapist the same thing that she has been telling her since week one. Which is basically that she thinks she is done and that there is no point in talking because she thinks she is done. So needless to say I ended up crying like a little girl and she looked at me like I was stupid. I started rattling off about cards she had given me that said she loved me and cared for me and told me how much I listened and made her laugh. She interrupted me and said that was before I didn't care. All I know is she must have stopped caring over night. She has said that is was like someone flipped a switch. All I know is I have been walking around in the dark looking for that same switch slapping at everything hoping to find it and haven't found it yet. I hope I find it soon.

Separation: Day 18

2009-07-11T02:12:00.000-07:00

Still not home. Not yet. I keep trying to think positive and not say I will never be home again. Not the way I was. But I won't let myself do it. I want to think that I will be home again. Look into my wife's beautiful green eyes and see the love in them again. I hope that happens. The days are getting longer. I go home get up around 3 and go to the house and take a shower and leave just before she gets there so she won't have to see me at all. Now she is not talking to me at all. She has just decided that we are not going to talk. If we text it has to be about the boys anything outside of the boys and she won't answer. I don't understand because she is the one that said that she didn't want me to flick a switch and just quit her. She kept telling me she didn't want it to be an all or nothing situation but she has turned it into one. It is an all nothing situation with her. I have branched out and started talking to other people who have had similar experience with their marriages and it has helped some. There is no one size fits all formula here. This is a feel as you go kinda of thing. I was looking today and found where TLC is going to be showing this show called "The 650-lb Virgin" and it looked a lot like my story minus the virgin part. I have been a recluse for a long time and my wife and boys lost time with me. I can't say suffered because of me because they still went and did things just without me. I am sure there was some resentment there but nothing really that was vocalized very loudly. I always proclaimed that I would get better and that the situation was temporary. But sometimes when I felt the world closing in on me I would see no hope and see my future as bleak. I am going to try and get my wife to record it for me so I can watch it when I am over there one day. Well day 18 is no better than day one. But life must go on. What there is of life without your kids and wife. I still love my wife and think of her every waking hour. I hope things work out.

Separation: Day 15

2009-07-06T22:21:00.000-07:00

If you would have told me six months ago that I would be writing a blog about my marriage being in trouble I would have horse laughed you out the door. Well to my surprise you would have been right on the money. Everyday is an adventure. Everyday is pure hell and agony. I can't think about the future. I don't want to think about a future without my wife in it. I love my wife so much and how and why she would hurt me this much I'll never know. I have never felt hurt and emptiness like this before. Not to this degree. In just two months twelve years have come unraveled. How? We never argued, we never hurt each other physically. But some how something went wrong. I know for years I worked a lot of hours to provide for my family and I wasn't there but she always gave me cards thanking me for working so hard and being a good provider. She said that I wasn't always there for her emotionally but she gave me cards thanking me for always being there for her, listening to her, making her laugh. But now she says that she couldn't tell me the truth that she felt abandoned. If she felt abandoned then she should have told me and I would have worked on that. Priority one!! My weight was another issue. I am a big man and have been all my life. I am finally working on that and plan on losing the weight I need to have a life again. All this time I could not find the motivation to lose weight and now I have the motivation and she is leaving. Everyone keeps telling me I have to do it for myself. But if I do it to keep her am I not doing it for myself. Since she is my world. Besides I would be doing it for us, and by us I mean her and the boys. The boys would have a dad they have never seen before. It is like I said everyday is a journey and a new day. I just hope that I journey into familiar territory with my wife so I can feel her love once again.

Separation: Day 13

2009-07-05T22:04:00.000-07:00

I usually don't acknowledge the number 13 (long story) but today is day 13 of the separation. The holiday weekend actually went pretty good. When I got off Friday I went straight to our house and waited on them to get up so I could take a shower. Once I got out of the shower I talked to my wife and asked her if she would go to the movies with us. She said.....wait....wait.... YES!!!!! Surprised me to. But later she totally deflated the surprise by saying that she felt she must go because I could not care for the youngest by myself. We went to the movies and watched Transformers. If you like loud non-stop action movies then you can't beat Transformers. We all had a good time and afterwards we went to Game Stop and bought my Lil brother his birthday present. He is a Fourth of July baby. Later I watched the boys when we got back while she went to buy groceries. When she got back I could tell my time was up because she was super short and just anxious for me to go. She did give me a hug and mumbled she loved me. I will take anything right now as a sign of hope, however faint. Saturday my sister and I didn't have anything planned so I schlepped around the house and waited on time to meet my wife and the boys to watch fireworks. I know you are thinking that this is a lot of time to be spending with your wife if you are separated. Well we are not talking about quality time. I am sure she would tell you it was tolerate time. She could tolerate me for "x" amount of time. Sunday was a different story. She had the boys all day Friday and Saturday and I was hoping to get them all day Sunday. Well she had already made plans to go to her friends house and take the boys a long. The boys started out saying that they wanted to stay with me but I think when my wife went silent the boys took it they had hurt her feelings and they relented their position and ol' dad lost out. So Sunday instead of a fun filled day with the boys I got two hours before bed time. Thanks. Something on the plus side she did tell my oldest that things were getting better. I did ask him if she had metioned the "D" word and he said no. So again a small flicker of hope. He did ask how come he couldn't live with me and if there was some kind of law that said he had to live with his mom. I said no but it was best for him and he said he loved me and wanted to stay with me and so did my youngest. I told him I was still holding out for the best between his mom and I and that maybe one day I would be home. Then we would all be a family again.

Separation Day: Seven

2009-06-29T22:21:00.000-07:00

Today is one week since I was told to move out so we could work on our marriage apart. How have thing gone? Well I hate it, I really hate it. I miss my wife and my boys. I miss cooking supper for them and just being there for them. We have a therapy session today. Don't really know how that is going to go. I hope it goes well but I don't know. I can't say that I expect it to because none of them so far have gone too well. My wife seems to be doing better. She is eating and not staying sick at her stomach and the fever blisters are gone so she is doing better. I on the other hand am a hot mess. I can't eat, sleep, or think straight. All my time is consumed hoping that my wife will let me come back. But I have decided that she is going to do what she is going to do. The decision is hers to make. I am willing to try, but she has to be willing too. I hope for the best. I don't like the way things are now but if she is happy now who am I to argue. Maybe given enough time she will see that I am genuine in my pursuit of change and that will change her mind. I realize the error of my ways, and I am working hard to integrate those change into my life. I am getting to see the boys all I want though. I kept them all day Saturday and my sister took them back late in the evening. I know my wife enjoys this time because she got so very little of it in the past. Maybe tomorrow will go good. I hope.

Separation: Day 5

2009-06-29T01:12:00.000-07:00

Today was one of the hardest days. Today we had a welcome home/bridal /new home shower. My wife always done these events up big. She would have been right in the middle of everything and would have been up late last night getting everything ready. She thinks of my brother as one of her own. My dad died when he was nine and he liked to come and stay at the house a lot until he got up into high school. Anyway she didn't come to this and so I got to see first hand how it felt not to have your partner there. It sucked. It sucked big time. I never knew how it felt. Now I do. I couldn't be happy for my brother, I could only have my own little pity party. The boys got to come and they had a good time. My oldest cruised the room like an old man stopping and talking to every group like he had known them for years. This boys truly never meets a stranger. My youngest found the stage and strayed few time from running back and forth wide open. But all the while I am sitting there wallering in my own self loathing and can't get motivated to do anything. I helped cook and once that was done I was done. I only talked to those who talked to me. I couldn't get my mind off of how it would have been different if my wife would have been there. If she would have been there I would have gotten constant hugs and kisses and she would have checked up on me to make sure I was ok. But she was with her mom. That is what I told everyone because I couldn't bare to tell them the truth. The truth being that my marriage is in trouble and everything I do seems to be the wrong thing. I could have had constant love and attention today but instead I got stale, sanitized texts with little or no feeling. I sent her a text earlier and said that I remembered the last time we had been there was at her company Christmas party about 10 or 11 years ago, and that I now knew how she felt going places without me, and that I was sorry. She sent me back a text saying Thank you. We have a therapy session scheduled for Tuesday and I just know in my bones it's not going to go good. We have only been a part for five days but it seems like weeks to me. I miss her so much. I miss her smile, her laugh, the twinkle in her eyes when she does something mischievous, her warm embrace, and her kisses most of all. Now she won't let me kiss her at all. She will turn her head and I am left with a cheek. A cold (kiss this if you must give me a kiss) cheek. I can not for the life of me remember treating her anyway to deserve this. But here I am and I hope it gets better because I am due for something good to happen. Something, just anything.

Separation: Day One

2009-06-25T01:51:00.000-07:00

I could not be a person that travels all the time. I hate being away from home. You take so many things for granite. My bed is too small and I sink in the middle. My bed at home is firm and has plenty of room for my large frame. The shower is way too small and I have already had to call and get permission to come over and take showers until I can fix the problem. So this was my first day without my wife and kids and life sucks!! I broke down today when I called my boys and told them good night. My oldest is going with my brother to his new house and I won't get to see him till the weekend. I won't even get to see him before he leaves because I have to go to the doctor. My youngest didn't even want to talk to me when I called tonight, I thought I was going to have to go without talking to him. He ended up talking to me and telling me I was #1 and that he loved me all the way to heaven. I remember the first time my wife and I were separated (we were just dating) she went on a long trip and I was miserable. I was working at a steakhouse and every night before I left I would sit down and write her these long letters on place mats. I had a routine...I had to sit at the same table, same chair, and use the same pin. I didn't want anything to jinx me. I would write and tell her how my day went, how work went and how school was going. I had a lot going on back then, really I have always had a lot going on. But then I would go into how much I missed her and how I was suffering from a disease called Jillitis. I would then go into details about how the disease was progressing and what my symptoms was. I did this for like seven days and when she came home she had these long letters. I remember later she told me she didn't know what to think about all the letters when she came back because my love was just so intense and she hadn't quit got there yet. For her while she was on the plane I wrote a long letter and made her a mixed tape (before CD burners) that coincided with the letter. My love for her has not changed since that day. If not it is only more. I think I forgot how to put that love into words over time. I always tell her I love her, and I make sure that she doesn't want for anything it's just I wasn't always there for her emotionally. I think over time I just took it for granite that she knew she could come and talk to me anytime about anything including if it was about me. Which she did talk to me about problems that I had but somehow it just never sunk in. I think I was open to any conversation as long as it wasn't about me. I just know that day one sucked and day two doesn't look any better. Maybe something will give.

Separation: The Final Frontier

2009-06-23T23:03:00.000-07:00

Well it doesn't seem that my warp speed change seemed to help anything. I think the speed at which I changed only brought about suspicions that I could have been doing better all along. Every time I would point to the things that I was changing she would counter with, "you could have been doing that all along." So now I have been ousted, not my idea, and told that we could work on our marriage from afar. I don't really know how that works. She doesn't either but it sounds good to her that I won't be around to "push" her. So now I am to concentrate on me. Learn how to live like there is no tomorrow, carpe diem, grab the bull by the horns, all this without my wife and kids. My own little cheering section has gone silent. The boys took the news of the separation real hard. Ethan (my five year old) started to choke and went outside and threw up all of his supper. Nathaniel (my nine year old) just got up and walked out. They both came back in and gave me hugs and told me they loved me. If ever there was motivation to change that would be it.

A Time To Change

2009-06-17T02:05:00.000-07:00

I have been given a challenge. Change or life as you know it will change for you. The change I have been told is for me and me only and maybe once the change is complete then life can resume... maybe. I used to be the guy on the phone late at night with a girl spilling the beans on life and how I thought they could fix their problems. I was the guy that was always the "brother" or "teddy bear". But somehow and some way I got away from that. I don't remember when exactly and I don't remember why I just know for some reason that side of me closed up shop. I just know that I didn't know that side of me had closed down. I don't remember a going out of business sale. I never meant to swap sides. I never meant to be the guy they griped about instead of the the guy they came to. I no doubt still have those qualities within me, they just have to have the dust knocked off of them. I have to listen instead of comment. I have to understand how the other person is feeling and why they are feeling that way. That used to be second nature to me. I could just tell by the look in a person's eyes how they felt and what they needed to hear. Can this be remedied? Of course it can but it is going to take some soul searching and backtracking. So like Superman I must go into the phonebooth one man and emerge another. The new man will be the "old" new me...the me I know I once was and still can be.

Help

2009-06-01T22:59:00.001-07:00

A man is not supposed to ask for help. He is not supposed to need help or display any sign of weakness. I am here to say that in somethings in life I am helpless. There are times in my life that I need the help of others and it does me good to admit that. Today I talked to a sweet woman who soothed my aching heart for just a little bit. You know how when you "boil" something out with peroxide that the soreness goes away. Well today my heart had a little peroxide poured on it. The soreness will eventually come back but for a fleeting moment I felt good. For the first time in a while I spoke with someone who didn't stare at me with contempt, who didn't roll their eyes, who didn't grit their teeth while their face is contorted in anger. This was just the beginging of the helping cycle, the bottom rung. First I admitted I have a problem and then this problem can be solved.

Listen

2009-05-27T21:02:00.000-07:00

The best advice I can give to anyone who is married or has someone they love in life is...listen. I have learned my lesson on listen. Some people will jump up and down, holler, send you smoke signals, take you to the waters edge and beg you to drink, but you still don't listen. All I have to say is LISTEN! If you have someone in your life that has taken that much time and effort to help you then the least you could do is listen. It has recently been pointed out to me that I was this such person. Many times I have been lead to the waters edge only to deny myself a fulfilling drink of understanding and humility from the fountain of life. My loved ones staged an intervention, broke down in tears, and pleaded with me to change my ways and have a better outlook on life. Again my teflon coating would not let anything stick. Up until the other day I really had no clue to the extent of damage that I had thrust upon my loved ones. Seeing tears stream down my wife's face made me feel ashamed, inadequate, undeserving and humbled to no end. I have shed more tears in the last few days than I have in the 12 years we have been married. Just one time if I would have listened then I would not be writing this post. There is only so many times that a person will fool with you. Eventually they will wash their hands of you, no matter how much they love you. The process to reconciliation will be long and hard. The effort in my case is well worth it. But you have to make the case to your loved ones that you are worth the effort. That they are not setting themselves up to be hurt or betrayed again. You have to awake like Scrooge on Christmas morning with a new lease on life ready to take on the world and beaming with excitement for a new beginning. Then and only then will things start to change. In the end it is better to LISTEN!!